Hi. You've forgotten me. I know it. And you know it too. I want to say that's fair. But the truth is. I haven't told you how I feel. So I will now. And you'll never get this message. But it will still give me something. Something to work with.
It's not fair. What you're doing. Sucks. I hate you for it. And I know I can't hate you for it. Which makes me hate you more. Because I never told you how I felt. So what were you supposed to do? Read my mind? Hah. I used to think you could. Like you saw through me when no one else did. That you were there for me when no one was. And even now. As I'm writing this I'm trying to deflect. In my head.
My mistake? I idolised you. I put you on a pedestal and worshipped the ground you walked on. And you never did this same. Which is why this hurts me so much more that you. You who never gave a thought. You who does t even spare a moment for me. You who has forgotten I exist. You who'd probably read this message and laugh. Maybe share it amongst your friends. Who knows.
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. And I hate that no matter how many times I say it, love still runs through me. There. I've admitted it plainly. I love you. More than I should. And it's not that dumb kids love. Trust me. I wish it was. It's that soul cursing. Heart pounding. On my mind constantly. Love. Sleepless love. Depressing love. Aching love. Yearning love. A deep. Deep love that I have tried to rid myself of.
But I know. Even after I finish typing this message that will never find you. It won't make a difference. I'll still be that 8-year-old girl who fell for you so long ago. Only now. I'm older and more mature. And I know that this isn't something that'll simply go away.
I hate you.
But I don't.
And I hate that I can't hate you. I hate that I keep repeating myself. But I hate. That I can't hate you.
You. You and that face. Those eyes. Damn your eyes. And your smile. And your smarts. And your effortless athletic ability. And your persistence. And your jokes. Awful. But funny. At least thats how they used to be.
You know what's sad. One of my biggest regrets in life. In my whole life. Was not being able to meet up with you that time you asked. Not saying yes. Not like I could. I was away with family. But you know it's bad when I'd ditch a holiday just to be with you for a couple of hours.
But I often wonder. Would that have changed anything? Would that have changed how we were? How we could've been.
Maybe this is premature. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing. But deep down. I know you've drifted away. And I can't bring you back to my shore.
And that pains me.
No. It's more than that. And I'm done sugar-coating it for you.
It's not painful. It's agonising. It's gut-wrenching. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest and crushed in front of me. Over and over and over and over. A never ending cycle of pain and tears.
And the bad thing. You'll never know. You'll never know how many tears I cried for you. How many sounds of utter despair left my lips. How many times I clutched at my throat, in a desperate attempt to breath as I mourned this.
It sounds dramatic. But it's the truth.
And I'd do it all again. I'm not going to say the cries were wasted. The wishes I made for you to love me back were stupid. Because it wasn't. And I'll never say it was.
Because. Despite the pain. Despite the sleepless nights. And the bargaining with God. And the pleads that escaped me at 2 in the morning. Id do it all again. Even if I knew the outcome was this.
