I Don't Know What I'm Doing

Chapter 2 ~ Down the Rabbit Hole

Uvyn - The Nothing Dimension
The Bottom of a Void
November 14, Year 2045

One of life's greatest mysteries: how I ever managed to survive this long. This new dimension has many dangers. I had been warned about them beforehand. I just, y'know, didn't think they were that important, or something I would have to be aware of.. but I was wrong!!

One of those dangers I was warned about where the voids - large pits of emptiness found all over this dimension. No one knows what causes them, but it's said that a strong enough wave of negative emotions can draw them towards you.

Who knew that officially giving up a shiny interdimensional porn career due to the fact that I can't look in a mirror for more than 10 seconds would be enough to do it. Yeah I really liked the work, but seeing all those other gorgeous, talented models - including the one I got to work with - I just didn't feel good enough; pretty enough; or at least confident enough. And my teleporter/car is still broken..

So I threw in the towel, at least temporarily. Jjasper understood, and let me know I could always come back. But damn.. that hurt. I really wanted it. And I usually love taking pictures.. I just couldn't love the person looking back at me. And worse, it was my only way to make money, so back to square one in that area too.

But it began to pile up more. I learned something bad about Ryla. Something neither Z nor I knew before. And it really changed my opinion of her. Which really sucked because we were just starting to become decent friends despite all our differences.
And my still temporarily estranged sister message me to let me know another one of my childhood dogs had died, just to seemingly add more salt to the wound.
My keyboard, my best coping mechanism, had broken a while ago during a music competition I attended. My dad tried everything to help me fix it, but finally let me know he'd get me another one for Christmas. I almost told him not to waste his money... that if I got another one, it probably would just break again. Besides, any music career was never in the cards for me. My stage fright is terrible and my "talent", subpar. I just liked writing songs. And just writing in general.

I felt a shift one day, sitting at home, caught up in my worries, and suddenly I was in darkness, just drifting, thinking, and occasionally seeing flashes of something.. resembling living, but jumbled and confusing.

First, I found myself talking with an old childhood friend - an intelligent and occasionally audacious demon called X - I usually confided in him for advice before we went our separate ways a few years back.
Among many topics in our long conversation, I remember him clearly reiterating we were not the friends we once were. It bothered me as much as the first time he said it, even though I don't know why. I agree with him. And even though I wouldn't say I'm happy about it, I don't think I would want to be his friend that way now.

We changed as we grew up, but when we were kids, I always felt in his shadow. That never changed. I was the chaos to his order, and for a while, it worked. I never minded him being the superior creature he was. I knew he came down to my level... something in me always suspected it was almost like an obligation.. he knew I was in pain - that I needed someone. Maybe that's what changed. It's not wrong to drift out of someone's orbit. The endless was always my destination, while the infinite was his. We've followed the same path for a while and sometimes it still crosses.

It just hurts I guess to be reminded of the memories.. I had a brother there for a while.

Next, I tried to strengthen my mind. Sometimes darkness is the best place to see. And I did see many things: a combat boot on glass; a winding, futuristic, neon green skyscraper; a butterfly, a phoenix, and a crow; and a lot of flowers and patterns and assorted things that just didn't make sense.

After that didn't lead to much, I tried an even less fruitful endeavor: finding an old friend I knew for a week. I don't know why I convinced myself I could find them. From a random void. In the middle of a dimension, they aren't even from. I don't know.

Then I tried painting with monochrome vision, and then saturating it. The void is a surprisingly vibrant sub dimension if you know how to properly sync your wavelengths to empty listless darkness. I managed to create two beautiful canvases: a sea of neon waves with three emotional eyes (pain, sadness, and determination), and a dazzling night sky.

I found myself in the coal mine after that for some reason, fighting harpies and gathering an outrageous amount of coal to power a machine that didn't end up working... I don't know. That part is really foggy.. but the hidden haunted speakeasy was fun for a smoke and a dance at the end of a hard days work. But it didn't last. Back to the weird darkness.

I saw my phone drifting alongside me.. it must have fallen into the void when I did. Still had some charge. I had a few messages. I clicked on one. It was from my dad. He wanted to see me. And would be making dinner tomorrow. Fried venison and mashed potatoes by the campfire was a good enough bribe for me. I guess I'll have to start climbing my way out of this void.

There were more notifications to scroll through: A lot of calls from Z (I sent her all the reassurances); assorted scammers(disregarded and ignored); someone trying vehemently to get on the phone with an "Elizabeth"(not an Elizabeth, but good luck to them); from Jjasper asking about a really decent, paid job he'd be doing with me (what a considerate guy! Sent my two thumbs up, could really use the money right now) And my sister again (for the thousandth time I really should just block her) and- wait... wait wait wait runthatbackagainreallyquicknow WHAT?! He actually wants to work with me again!? And after that paragraph I sent him on how I'm quitting because I give myself the ick as well!?.. That is.. improbable... but not impossible I guess!

I have no idea what that job's gonna entail either. It could be anything from a few clothed pictures to whole explicit scenes! I'm nervous, but also excited. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss it even before I quit. This might be a best case scenario. It was a lot easier working with someone else, being able to focus on someone besides myself and all my chaos-ness.

At the same time I'm worried I'm just gonna make a fool out of myself again.... But money?. I don't want to go back to dead end retail. This is my chance to break out of it and make money doing something fun that I actually enjoy - finally drink my shitless milkshake. It has to be possible. I just know it.

I'm sick of this void. Time to get out of it.

New icy flavors I'm sipping on!! Blue apple cobbler, and dragon breath! I like them both, but they are both really intense flavors.. so I also have another chill banana one as well.

Can't wait to see my dad. And that fried deer meat! But mostly my dad.

Yeah.