The Girl Who Saw Through Jem

Jem: I Realised I'm An Asshole (edited)

"What do you think?" Heath's snark flourished, the undertone of his words joking, probing Caleb to join in even though he knew Caleb never would. Caleb refused to laugh, not even crack a smile. "Teaching this faggot a lesson."

Caleb bristled at the word. Clearly, this remark hit a sore spot- but I didn't see it at the time. Tiny details, like this- like Caleb's comfort with us pranking and torturing people who were gay- tended to slip. I just thought Caleb didn't want to get in trouble, that Caleb was a do-gooder. Not because he was one.

"Let him go."

I started, rising and whining, "Why do you have to be such a goddamn downer, Caleb? And you wondered why you didn't win class clown last year."

Caleb's resolution didn't budge. Instead, anger was thinning his words. "Let him go."

Heath and I exchanged sullen looks and backed away, retreating but we both shared the same thought: later. Just the idea of Dylan, a lame nerd, a weed in the thorns, being unscathed taunted me, making a mockery out my kingdom. The very idea of Dylan thinking he was safe, his existence throbbing relentlessly happy crawled under my skin. Later in Gym, I communicated with Heath through our non-verbal thoughts and spared Dylan a conspiratorial grin.Dylan shot Caleb a thankful look and scampered off. Maybe Dylan's fate would be safe now but until later...

-

Now. 2015.

"I refuse to believe that ridiculous tale of the two of you going to China, yet not at all hooking up."

"We didn't!" I defended hastily because I couldn't think of Ellis like one of the girls I didn't care about- because I did. Beneath everything, I felt the impending danger of our connection. Unlike the quick fucks with my throwaways, the relentless sticking to my motto of hump and dump, Ellis's touch branded me, her kiss seared on mine and left me trembling like a user for more. I was hooked, never to be truly fulfilled or satisfied.

"Not even once?"

I hesitated, unable to bring myself to disclose information about the kiss. That never happened before. Well, not yet. I've always told Heath everything; every hookup, every girl, how it felt, how was she, how was I, what we did. But with Ellis...it was personal, tainted with the feelings of a secret. Had you ever had the feeling when something you share with somebody else was so sacred and precious, it bathed you in an evangelical zeal and resolutely, it'd be an ultimate betrayal to tell somebody else?

"God, no."

"Most ladies say 'God, yes.'"

In response, I swatted him, a smile playing on my lips because, despite all things, Heath was irrevocably Heath. Some things never changed and Heath was a constant in the sea of unreliability, tying me to this world of routines and cycles.

"Have you manage to get a hold of Caleb all summer?"

"I don't know, man," replied Heath in a sigh, smoke coiling from his lips into a pillar of fumes. We were outside Seven-Eleven, snacking on the cheap pick-me-ups from the counter. "I've been trying to invite him along to those parties all summer. He's been ignoring me." He sounded hurt. 

"Seriously?" I scrunched up my eyebrows together. Now that I thought about it, there was some weight of truth to his words. Caleb had avoided our calls all summer, not just this week. "You think he's okay?"

"Physically? Yeah, I'm sure he's fine but he's been so withdrawn this whole year, you realise?"

I attempted to think back through these past six months, wondering about Caleb, studying his mannerisms through my memories. "Kind of."