The Binding Vow of Lazarus

Chapter 100

"How so?" Satoru asked, resting his elbows on his knees. "I felt something change, but I want to know what you saw before I tell you my side."

"You were a very attentive partner when we were together," Suguru said, "and that was suddenly fading. You didn't cling to me as much and you didn't want my attention nearly as often. Everything that was happening with her and Haibara was agitating you suddenly in a way it hadn't before."

Satoru nodded along, his brows furrowed. His eyes sat on the fire. "So I just... I'm not sure what to think about all of this," he sighed, "What does any of this mean? And does it have to mean anything? It doesn't have to mean anything at all, I could just not think about it!"

Suguru nodded sagely. "I wish I would not think about this stuff too, sometimes."

"I know," Satoru groaned, scrubbing his hand through his hair. "Why do things have to be so complicated? Can't it just be easy?"

"It'll only be as complicated as you make it," Suguru said with a smirk, then sighed himself and added, "But who can really do that? I can't imagine going through life without wondering."

"When it broke, it felt like a pit had opened up inside me," Satoru explained, "I remember it hit me, and less than a second later I heard her call my name. I broke through the barrier to get to her and I lost my damn mind at Shoko and Yaga, like they did anything wrong. And then after that she was trying to get away from me and I couldn't let that happen."

"Haibara has yet to recover," Suguru added, getting a sharp glare from Satoru.

"So what do you make of all this then?" Satoru asked with a huff, "What if this was you and Boe?"

"Well, that's different because we're—"

"Yeah, no it's not," Satoru deadpanned.

Suguru inhaled slowly, then said, "I understand what you're concerned about, but I ask you this: Your feelings were strong enough for her that they spanned a life of solitude and then lead you to her again in this one. It broke, but you're still with her, so that must count for something. You still love her, don't you?"

"I do," Satoru answered honestly, "I know I'm questioning things, but I do love her. And I know that even without her I'm apparently willing to promise my life to her."

"So, then, let me ask you this," Suguru said, raising a finger, "Does thinking about this make you love her less? Does the idea of being "promised" to her make your feelings any less intense or less pleasurable?"

Satoru considered this. "I guess not, but it feels like it should?"

Suguru smiled, watching the fire. "I've thought a lot about the nature of cursed energy and its connections to negative human emotions," he said quietly, "but the way it affects love has always scared me the most. Because, to me, love is ultimately selfish. You form a partnership where you take what you want and, ideally, they like what they take from you."

"I knew you thought that way too," Satoru said.

Suguru nodded. "You're worried it's like the biggest rebound in history, right?" He asked.

"Sort of, yeah," Satoru sighed, "when you put it that way. But the problem is it's a rebound from a different version of the girl a different version of me loved?" He groaned, "See what I'm saying? I want to say that it's not me so it's shouldn't be my problem what that me wanted isn't going to happen, but what I want is the same as him so isn't it stupid to want to be upset about it?"

"Love is stupid," Suguru shrugged. "It makes us stupid in the worst ways and humanity is built on top of that stupidity."

Satoru sighed, his head tipped back. "Y'know what this feels like? One of those big cosmic jokes. The universe doesn't give a damn what we do." He added a sarcastic little wave to the sky, as if to shoo it all out of there and away from him.