Torn between shadow || Dark BL Romance

Chapter 1 - Silence

Ethan pov :

The alarm went off at 6:30 a.m., piercing the quiet of my room. I lay there a moment longer, staring at the ceiling, counting cracks, tracing shadows. I didn't want to move. I didn't want to leave the cocoon of my room where no one asked questions, where no one cared if I existed.

Downstairs, the usual morning noise drifted up: the clink of cereal bowls, the shuffle of shoes on tiles, my parents' quiet chatter. My father spoke first.

"Ethan, did you finish your homework? You know how important it is to keep your grades up."

"Remember to be a good person," my mother added. "You have to live by the Bible, son. That means kindness, honesty, obedience."

I nodded. I mumbled a quiet, "Yes." That was all they got from me. My father glanced at me with that faint approving nod that always felt hollow. He worked at Xander's father's office, but it didn't matter to me. He didn't need to scold me to make me feel small. He didn't need to notice me at all. That was fine. I liked it that way. No one talking to me unnecessarily, no one watching me too closely. Perfect.

Breakfast was routine. I ate my cereal quietly, listening to my parents ask the same questions every morning:

"Will you go to church with us this Sunday?"
"Have you talked to your teachers about the extra assignment?"
"Try to be kind to your classmates today."

I answered minimally. One-word replies, the barest nods. That was enough.

---

School was the same as always. Nobody came to me except for notes, homework, or class questions. Nobody asked how I was. Nobody wanted to know. I liked it. That quiet made life bearable. That isolation was safe.

I slid into my usual corner seat, opened my notebook, and let the familiar scratch of pen on paper fill the empty spaces in my head. And then I saw him.

Xander. Blonde hair catching the morning light, eyes the same pale green as a fresh spring leaf. Perfect posture. Perfect smile. Perfect everything. He moved through the classroom like he owned it, and for some reason, my chest tightened and my stomach roiled. I hated him instantly. Hated the way he could sit there, smile, laugh, and not have to care about anything, while I felt like I had to survive every glance and every word around me.

I didn't know his friends. I barely cared. But I noticed the girl who followed him everywhere. Always laughing at his jokes, always leaning toward him, eyes glued to him. Ugh. He probably enjoyed it.

And he noticed me.

"Hey," he said, casually, like we werefriends. "Did you finish the homework?"

"...Yes," I said, keeping my gaze on my notebook.

"Cool," he said, tilting his head. "I had trouble with question three. Did you get it?"

"...Yes."

He smiled faintly, still pretending to be friendly, still hiding whatever it was he was feeling. I hated it. I hated how easy it was for him to exist, to occupy space, while I had to shrink myself. And yet... I couldn't look away. I hated that I noticed the curve of his lips when he smiled, the way his hair caught the sunlight, the faint confidence in his stance.

Inside, I wanted to see him mess up. Wanted to see him beneath me, flustered, exposed. Wanted him to feel something he didn't expect. I hated him for existing and yet... the part of me that wanted to see him fail, to see him shaken, couldn't stop watching.

Throughout the day, he kept finding ways to glance my way, ask little questions I didn't want to answer. I gave him one-word replies. "...Yes." "...Fine." "...I don't know." I could feel him observing me, storing my reactions like a predator, and it made my skin crawl.

By the time the bell rang, I was exhausted. Not because of the work, but because of him. That smile. That gaze. The fact that he existed and could move through life so effortlessly while I had to keep myself small, hidden, silent.

I walked home slowly, my backpack heavy with books and thoughts. My cats greeted me at the door, soft purrs vibrating against my hands. The world felt lighter with them, as if they were the only beings that wouldn't betray me, the only ones who didn't care about Xander or school or perfection.

Tomorrow, he would be back. Smiling. Watching. Pretending. And I would be forced to look, to notice, to hate. But maybe-just maybe-part of me would also want to see him falter. See him beneath me.

God, I hated him. And I couldn't stop looking.

Creator Note

✨ "Hi guys, thank you for reading the first chapter of Torn Between Shadows! Ethan's world is just opening up, and trust me-it only gets darker from here. 👀 Drop a comment and let me know what you think about him so far. 💭 Don't forget to vote if you're hooked already!"