The Silence in My Song

A Child, I Am Not (But I Feel Like One Anyway)

Before Atif could tell Omer to not, or Omer could say another word in that damned tone; a third voice joins them-

"I knew you ladies would be arguing,".

The tone is all wrong. A poor attempt at a joke, because the voice is all gravelly and roughened like two stones scraping uncomfortably against each other.

Sheraz Bhai. Atif takes in his youngest elder brother's sight, hoping to see any hint that this was some horrible joke. He would take it. He doesn't know why his mind had spiraled from KNOWING his Abu was gone to praying that there was some slim chance this was all a misunderstanding. He had not picked anyone's calls fearing- fearing hearing the same thing again. 

He hears the same thing again

Sheraz Bhai doesn't need to say it out loud. It is clear in the red eyes, slightly puffing in a way he had never seen on his brother. The way he looked so much older and weary. The way his eyes seemed to be glistening, not with mischief as they usually did; but with pain that did not suit his jovial brother's face.

Whatever was remaining of Atif's heart; falls.

Abu was gone.

No. No he couldn't be.

Air escapes his mouth as if his lungs no longer had strength to hold it in, a weak wheeze. His knees are threatening to buckle again, the little lump in his throat turns into a pincushion full of needles.

For a second he thinks this is it. He was going to collapse here and start crying like a little child. But his stubborn, stubborn mind doesn't want to believe. Everything is right there infront of his eyes but his mind doesn't want to believe. Doesn't. Sheraz could be lying. He always was the prankster, he had always liked annoying Atif.

Abu couldn't be gone.

Sheraz steps forward, his eyes so teary, expression so tender that it makes Atif want to throw up. Sheraz isn't supposed to look like that. He side steps his brother quickly before he can say anything- do anything.

There is no fluttering heart beating in his chest anymore. Just a stone cold silence. He wants to go home. This-this was just some far fetched joke.

"Which car?" he turns just slightly to get the answer. Sheraz and Omer are exchanging glances. he hates when they do that. Sheraz then sighs and starts walking.

Its the most non descript car they have. Atif shoves his bag in the back and gets in. Omer has already snatched the keys out of Sheraz's hands. Atif had left the passenger seat empty for a reason. He doesn't want-he doesn't want anything but silence until he is home and can see Abu- and Abu will Insha Allah be completely fine- this would all just be a bad dream.

Sheraz instead gets in beside him.

"Aadee-".

Atif tunes him out turning away.

The car is starting. Their parents' home was only thirty minutes away from the airport. Twenty if no traffic. There wouldn't be any. He will be home soon. He has to see it for himself. Abu couldn't be gone.

The drive is both longer and shorter in inexplicable way. The nearer they came, the heavier the dread got. The weight on him kept increasing, his breath slowing. It is startlingly quick, Atif can see the familiar parts of his childhood streets come closer; he wishes it was longer, he wasn't ready, they were getting close far too quick. Yet he could still feel every second. Each second stretched long, keeping him in a stasis as he watches the routes close in- they were nearly there. He barely notices Sheraz Bhai stroke his hair softly. They weren't the most affectionate of people, him and his brothers with each other. It should startle him. But all he can watch is the house begin to appear.