Before He Cheats (Work In Progress)

Chapter 23

I understand that it is my choices that have led me here to this point in my life. And I regret my mistakes. I'm beating myself up about them; I don't need more people doing it for me.

I was so happy about my hybrid schedule because it allowed me more time to figure out how to get Vanessa back. So far, things have been falling into place, and the months of careful planning have paid off. Right now, I’m holding out on calling my mom so I don’t have to face her wrath.

She was upset at me for a number of things, especially for how I treated Vanessa and a lot of other people, too. My mom was always telling me to leave Vanessa alone, and the recent restraining order has given her more ammunition to remind me as often as she could. My dad encouraged me to keep trying as much as the restraining order allowed me to. She was still upset at my father as well. I knew my dad was fighting like hell to get her back to him, just like I was doing with Vanessa. I won’t give up on her, just like they won't give up on each other. I wish that we didn't hurt the ones we loved to the extent that we have.

I kept my parents in the loop about the baby and all updates. I'm dodging them now because they both want to know about the baby shower, if it was happening, and if I was going. My mom wasn't happy that I was having a child under these circumstances; my father was a bit disappointed but was happy to be a grandfather again. My older sister Callista hasn't talked to me since the news of my affair came out, and it hurts.

We've always been close, and I haven't seen her since the news of my affair came out. The distance was understandable.

I knew that it wasn’t fair of any of them to have to be thrust into drama because of my choices. I want nothing but the best to ever happen to all of them. I want better for them. I want to be better for them.

It is what they deserve.

I still remember how I treated Vanessa through the length of my affair: distant when present, not being fully there emotionally, and everything she needed from me as her husband. I failed as a husband.

The guilt of how I treated her killed me as I stared at the pristine walls after taking another hit of my vape. Even at Rusty's, I could see how deeply this had devastated her. I never meant to do that.

All this time away from her has allowed me to reflect on my mistakes and my actions. I understand that actions have consequences, and my choices have led to devastating results.

I know that I’ve hurt Vanessa, my parents, and others in the name of selfishness. I would give up everything if it meant that Vanessa could come back to me and give me redemption for the many mistakes I have made.

She’s too good for me.

She was upset and hurt because of my choices. I knew it wasn’t fair to her to be thrust into drama unwillingly. I want better for her. For my parents and everyone else I’ve hurt.

It is what they deserve, including my soon-to-be-born child.

I have taken the initiative to be that for them. I have started back focusing on work, eating properly, and attending counseling.

My time in counseling has led me to realize that I was the issue. On the outside, I was a confident man who had everything I wanted in life: a loving, healthy marriage to my soulmate, a great job, a nice house, and a full belly every night. I didn’t want anything, and I had no reason to.

But on the inside, I was insecure, imbalanced, and unfocused. I hid behind my insecurities, which led me to the path I am on now.

I understand the importance of being a present father, son, and, most importantly, husband. It was one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned. Marriage is a gift I took for granted and lost, and now I’m on my way to making amends and getting it back. I let myself fall short on what truly matters.