Mated by Chance

Broken Self

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Roman asked when he picked me up from the restaurant. I knew he meant the sorrowful glances, and my looks of pity. I was trying to control them but I just felt so bad.

"Like what?" I asked playing stupid. The car stopped and his finger was on my chin turning me to face him.

"Like that." he said searching my eyes. His lips set in a straight line. "You know." he said letting me go.

"Know about what?" I asked looking at my hands.

"About Rebecca and the rogue attack." he said harshly. "Who told you?"

"My friend googled you today at lunch. She doesn't even know about us." I said quietly. "I'm sorry. I didn't ask. I didn't wanna know until you told me. But then I found out and I felt horrible. You had to go through that. I'm sorry for your loss." I said rambling.

"She was nice. We weren't girlfriend and boyfriend like the media loves to say. She was my best friend. Sort of like you and uh, the Blake guy. She was always there you know, I talked her into going on a trip with me to clear my head. I was under a lot of stress with the training for Alpha and trying to fill my dad shoes. She didn't want to go, she said she had homework to do." he paused. "When I got back and I didn't see her, I instantly knew something was wrong. She didn't like the woods and she didn't wander off. And the scent of rogues didn't help either. I saw her. I saw her before the hikers did  but I couldn't...I couldn't cover her death up. I couldn't pretend like she didn't mean the world to me. I couldn't pretend that she wasn't...that she wasn't..."

"Dead because of you?" I guessed setting my lips in a straight line. "Well she isn't." I said shaking my head. "That was not your fault Roman and it wasn't hers and it wasn't the hikers or the Moon Goddess or even God...it was those Rogues. They did that. And although I never knew her, if you cared about her the way I care about Blake then I know that guilt...is a huge burden to carry around everyday. And a love like that shouldn't be destroyed over guilt."

"But if I would've listened to her"-

"Something else would've happened, and you probably would've tried to blame yourself for that too, when we get hurt we instantly think "What could I have done?" but sometimes...the answer is nothing." I said looking at his blue orbs.

"Why am I so weak in front of you?" he asked staring up at the hood of the car. "I'm supposed to be an Alpha. Why can't I keep the same front up with you that I do with everyone else."

"Because we're just alike." I said honestly. "We both hide our own pain just to make everyone else smile. We need each other to take that load off." I said smiling. The corners of his lips titled upward.

"I never talked about her like that to anyone..." he admitted. "But talking to you about her feels right. I feel like there's hope that one day I can hear her name without wanting to torture myself for dragging her out there."

"That's because one day you will, Roman." I promised.

He started the car up and the rest of the drive to his house was silent. It was comforting though because he held my hand the entire ride and drew circles in my palm. He even hummed to the background music while he drove. It was content.

"So, I decided to push the ceremony back." he spoke suddenly. "We can't do the blood sharing until we're mated." he revealed to my confused face. "So Rave, was welcomed in while you were gone."

"What?" I asked shocked. "We were supposed to do that together!" I said frowning.

He looked at me incredulously. "You needed her to do that?"

"I wanted to be there. I kind of wanted to be included. It's her first real commitment. She couldn't even commit to me enough to raise me herself but for her to finally be able to settle down in one place"-

I took a breath. "I wanted to be able to say that for once I did something life changing with her."

"You were life changing for her"-

I put my hand up to silence him. "That, is something you do not have to say." I said chuckling. "I wasn't her life changing event. Life changing for her was losing my sperm donor to some other wolf who he called his mate. It broke her. Not losing me, she was so distracted with being heart broken and sad that she left me in the car for 3 hours before my parents found me before I passed out from dehydration...I love Rave, but I wasn't her priority, I didn't change her life...she just found a way for me to exist in it."

He stared at me for a long while before I opened the door and stepped out inhaling the woodsy aroma. "I'll be in my room." I said in a mumble knowing he would hear it.

I wasn't upset with him. I didn't even think I was angry with her. I was just feeling something. I felt down and I wanted to be alone. Sometimes I think our body senses a reaction coming before it even comes on and I know if I would've said anything more, I would've regretted it or ended up crying and pouring my deepest darkest secrets out to Roman and as much as I love being around him, I wasn't in love with him. I didn't 100% trust him yet and sometimes it's okay to be patient and take the time to make someone need you before you devote yourself to them.

I didn't trust easily. I fell hard. I loved forever. Those three substances were a perfect combination for an emotional disaster that could destroy me if mixed with the wrong guy. I know the moon goddess doesn't choose wrong, but I was never sure that anything involved with me was destined to be perfect....and I don't think I ever will.

I was a second pick type of girl.

My parents would choose Cali over me if they had the chance. It was a perfect life. A life without fearing your daughter when she was annoyed; a life without werewolves, a life without me.

Rave would choose a love life over me a million times over again. I knew it. I hated it, but it was true.

And Roman...he didn't choose me. He chose Cali, he just ended up being stuck with me....I realized it. I just hoped he wouldn't realize it when it became too late for me to pick my broken self up again.