Just The Benefits (PUBLISHED)

Kabanata 22

I badly wanted to strike a conversation. It was 10pm and we still have 1 hour to go. One hour bago maghiwalay na naman kami... and who knew kung kailan na naman kami mag-uusap?

"Will you take it?" I managed to ask him. Bahala na kung hindi niya ako pansinin.

Ibinaba niya iyong card at inilagay sa loob ng bag niya. He shrugged.

"It's a good opportunity. Sayang naman kung hindi mo kukuhanin..." I said.

He looked at me and my knees buckled. Bakit ba siya ganyang tumingin? Para bang mayroon akong nagawang masama at gusto niya akong parusahan. It felt so unnerving yet so familiar.

"Sometimes, I need to pass up on a good opportunity."

"Bakit naman?" I asked, still nervous that he might not answer me.

"It isn't the right time yet," sabi niya at napaiwas naman ako ng tingin. Did he really need to gaze like that? Mabuti na lang at nakaupo ako.

"When's the right time? Baka mamaya kung kailan ka handa, at saka naman wala na 'yung opportunity."

"I'm willing to wait," he said.

"Kahit matagal at walang certainty?"

He nodded. "If I really want it, I'm sure it'll be worth the wait."

I shrugged at his answer. "Ikaw, bahala ka. Mas naniniwala kasi ako na strike while the iron is hot. Hindi naman forever nandyan 'yung opportunity. Paano kapag mayroong nakauna sa 'yo? E 'di manghihinayang ka na lang?"

"I'd rather wait for my turn than to do things half-baked. Hindi naman kasi dapat minamadali lahat ng bagay."

"E paano kapag hindi mo na makuha 'yung opportunity? Wala na. Sayang lang..."

He looked at me and smiled—that sad smile that I usually see him wear. Iyong ngiti na ilang beses ko ng inisip kung ano ang nasa likod nun... Shiloah's a big mystery for me... He always has been and he always will be...

"Then I guess I'd just have to live with the loss."

Napailing ako sa kanya. Magkaiba talaga kaming dalawa. Kasi ako, kung ano ang gusto ko, kukuhanin ko. Kahit gaano pa ako mahirapan, gagawin ko... When I'm into something, I would see to it that I give my best kaya naman kung mabigo man ako, alam ko na ginawa ko ang lahat ng makakaya ko. Ayoko kasi nung regrets, e. I don't want to regret the things I could have done... so I just do it instead.

"If that's what you want..." I said.

"It's not a matter of what I want to do but what I should do."

Right. Bakit pa nga ba ako nagtaka? At bakit ko nga ba kinukwestyon ang mga desisyon ni Shiloah? Ni minsan naman ay hindi ko naintindihan kung ano ang gusto niyang mangyari sa buhay niya... Every decision he made was such a mystery to me. Everything about him was a puzzle I was trying to solve but nowhere near solving it. He wasn't giving away anything. Sobrang wala pa rin akong alam kung sino ba talaga siya... At mas tumatagal na nakikilala ko siya, mas dumadami lang 'yung tanong ko kung sino ba talaga siya.

Patapos na kumanta iyong huling banda na inimbitahan ng university para tumugtog. I attempted to stand up to help Shiloah but he asked me to stay put. Siya na lang daw ang bahala.

"Kaya ko naman..." I said. Hindi siya sumagot at inayos niya lang iyong mga dapat ayusin. Naupo na lang ako. 11pm na at wala na akong masasakyan palabas... Ayoko rin naman na magtaxi dahil kung may masama mang balak sa akin iyong driver, ni hindi ko maililigtas ang sarili ko dahil ni hindi nga ako makalakad ng maayos.

Nung matapos na si Shiloah sa pag-aayos, I stood up. I tried to take a step and I tried my best not to show how each step was sending pain through my system. Bakit ko ba kasi kailangang sipain iyong pinto?!