Oranges & Roses

Tell Me What You Want

Unedited. I know. I'm spoiling you guys with updates. Lucky you. :P

Chapter Forty-Seven

When Lan got back, the house was drenched in cold silence and tension so tight someone could probably strum it and there would be a very sad guitar sound. I was sitting at the kitchen table, staring out at the rainbow mesh tarp when the front door opened. Rey was upstairs taking a shower so when Lan called out, “Anybody home?”, she probably assumed we were both up there. I was a little lost in thought when she walked into the kitchen to find me and her squeak startled both of us.

“Jesus! Em…”

I blinked at the exclamation and was just as surprised by the tear rolling down my cheek as she was at seeing me in the kitchen. Quickly as I possibly could, I wiped the tear off as conspicuously as possible and looked over my shoulder at her. Lan was in the middle of the walk of shame but she made last night’s rumpled clothes look just as good as the night before. Her hair had been finger combed and she looked a little tired but happier than she was before she left.

“How was your night?”

Lan frowned, not buying the brush off as her eyes became shrewdly assessing as they darted from me to the ceiling and then back.

“My night was fine. How was yours?”

I nodded, that impermeable look sliding into place perfectly. “Fine.”

“Then why are you white knuckling that coffee cup like it’s a defective stress ball?”

I looked down and she was right. I was lucky the cup hadn’t broken by how tightly I was holding on to it. My hands automatically let go and retreated to my lap.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Of course you don’t.” She sat down in the seat across from me. “Stewing, that’s what you’re doing.”

“Lan…”

“And I can only guess what it is you’re thinking about. Does Ronnie know you’re down here with your mind already made up about everything? Does he know that no matter what happens between now and the time he takes you wherever it is the two of you are going next that you’ve already decided that you’re going to ultimately fail?”

I couldn’t look at her and see the disappointment in her eyes. It was bad enough that I could hear it in her voice along with disapproval. The camo green coffee mug I was holding between my hands again was just so fascinating for a few more minutes until the need to explain something got to be too much.

“I fail, Lan. That’s who I am and who I’ll always be. That is never going to change.” I glanced up at her and then back down at the mug. “I’m poison and I ruin things. That is not someone you should want in your brother’s life or your children’s. Do you understand?”

Lan picked up the mug from between my hands and put it across the table. She didn’t want there to be any distractions from what she was about to say.

“Elina, how do you think I felt when I got out of rehab? I wasn’t convinced I was the best thing for my children but the thing was I’m their mother and I will always be their mother. Whether or not I believed it, I was and still am the best thing for them because they are mine. You,” she covered one of my hands with hers, “are the best thing for someone whether you believe it or not. That someone just happens to be upstairs showering alone. My brother loves you…”

“He shouldn’t love me.” I pulled my hand out from under hers and got up from my chair. “It’s not in his best interest to love me.”

“When has love ever been in anyone’s best interest? It’s complicated and unpredictable, love doesn’t look at one person and say, ‘now there’s someone who doesn’t deserve anything but misery’. You deserve to be happy, Elina…”