Invisible String

30

Still, I couldn't shake the feeling that my chest was heavier than it should be. I closed my eyes for a moment, willing the tension to loosen, reminding myself that Travis had it covered. I wasn't alone, and somehow that made it a little easier to sit with the uncertainty.

---

Travis appeared in the doorway holding Mira gently, a soft smile on his face. "She's ready for lunch," he said quietly, coming over to where I sat.

I reached out, and he carefully handed Mira to me. As I cradled her in my arms, I ran my fingers softly over her dark curls and pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head. The warmth of her against me should have been soothing, but the ache in my chest still lingered.

I tried to take a deep breath and let Mira latch on to nurse. She began suckling, but her tiny hand gripped my shirt tightly-and then her little fingernail accidentally scratched my skin. The sharp sting startled me, and suddenly the tight hold on my emotions loosened.

Tears welled up in my eyes before I could stop them, blurring my vision. Travis noticed immediately. He didn't say a word, just moved closer and wrapped an arm around my shoulders, steadying me.

I was just so overwhelmed. Not by Mira, not by Travis-but by everything I was feeling that I couldn't quite explain. And Travis, always knowing, was there to hold me steady without needing me to say a thing.

"Tay," Travis said softly, rubbing his hand along my back, "she's almost eight months. She can take a bottle if you can't do this right now."

My jaw tightened. Something about those words hit me wrong-not because he was wrong, but because it felt like giving up. And I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to feel like I couldn't handle this.

"I can do it," I snapped, sharper than I meant to. Mira kept nursing, her tiny hand still clinging to my shirt, her fingers occasionally brushing or digging into my skin like she needed to anchor herself to me. I blinked away the tears stinging my eyes and cleared my throat. "I am doing it. My emotions are just... wacky right now."

He didn't take a step back. Didn't flinch or pull away. He just nodded slowly, eyes calm. "Okay," he said gently. "I just didn't want you to think you had to push through if it's too much."

But I did. I always did.

I looked down at Mira, at her soft dark curls, her chubby cheeks, her tiny foot pressing into my stomach. I loved her more than life, but right now... right now everything felt too loud. Too heavy. Too much. I was holding her, feeding her, doing exactly what I was supposed to do-and still, I felt like I was about to fall apart.

I kissed the top of her head and closed my eyes for a second. I didn't want to hand her off. I just wanted to stop feeling like I was drowning in a body that didn't feel like mine anymore.

After Mira finished nursing, I gently adjusted her onesie and handed her to Travis. He took her without a word, soft and steady like always, and carried her over to the playpen we'd set up in the corner. He sat her down with a few toys and gave her a little kiss on the cheek before turning back to me.

He didn't touch me when he came over. Just stood there close enough to show he was with me, but not so close that I felt crowded. He knows me well enough to understand that sometimes even the most loving hand can feel like too much.

"Babe," he said softly, "why don't you go to our room and chill? Cry it out or something. It might help."

I shook my head. "No," I breathed, forcing myself to take a full, deep inhale. I looked over at Mira, who was happily grabbing Lily's crayon box while Lily tried to redirect her attention with a stuffed elephant. My chest ached in a different way now-so much love, so much pressure, all sitting on top of each other.