The Spaces In Between

[42] The One With The OTP

"Well.. ang weird nga naman ng Pipo. Pero walang makakatalo sa pangalan ko, 'di ba?"

"Don't start with me, girl. Kung alam mo lang ang struggle ni Lee sa name mo dati! To think na bibliophile rin siya ha!" Ate Anya said, chuckling. Natawa na rin ako, bigla kong naalala yung pagkunot ng noo ni Kuya Lee habang pinopronounce niya ang pangalan ko. It took him three weeks to say Scheherazade perfectly!

Suddenly, she stopped laughing, and for a second there I saw sadness in her eyes. She unconsciously mentioned Kuya Lee's name. Shit.

"Ate Any--"

"Okay lang, Zades. It's just that.. that was the first time I said his name in months," she tried to smile but it wasn't one of her patented smiles. Ang lungkot ng ngiti niya.

Since naopen na rin ang topic, sinamantala ko na. "Ate.. kaya ka ba hindi pumunta nung homecom—"

"Wala ako sa California, Zades. Nandito na ako sa Pinas since October," she whispered. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko doon. Say what? "Nasa Ilocos lang ako the whole time. Soul searching shit. Almost six months na rin akong nagsosoul searching, from California to Ilocos pero.. hindi ko pa rin mahanap ang sarili ko."

I fell silent at her admission. Months ago gustung-gusto kong malaman kung bakit sila nagbreak ni Kuya Lee. Now I have that chance.. kaso natakot ako bigla. I have this perfect image of them in my head.. and I don't want to taint it with a sad breakup story. I couldn't handle sad endings.

Tuloy lang si Ate Anya sa pagkukwento, coffee long forgotten. "Nung nasa California ako.. ang tapang ko, Zades. Sobra. Pinaglaban ko kami kaso siya.. wala," she let out a sad, bitter smile. "Naramdaman ko na siguro yung lahat ng levels sa anger meter. I was so hurt that I thought na hindi ako makakabangon ulit. Three years, Zades. Ni hindi man lang niya pinaglaban 'yon. You know him, matapang si Lee. Responsable. Kaso nung nagkaleche-leche na.. hindi pa nga ako nakakaporma para lumaban, umalis na siya."

Oh god. I'm not prepared to hear this.

"Sa California.. I did everything to forget him. Good thing may trabaho ako kaya madali lang. Masakit pa rin naman araw-araw, lalo na alam mong mas una pa siyang nakamove on kesa sa 'yo. Iniisip ko na lang na kakarmahin din siya someday. Yung boss ko ngang Canadian napansin na wala ako sa focus. He told me Anne, don't waste your time on that guy. If he didn't even fight for you, that only means he's not worth it. Save your tears for someone who really fucking cares.

"Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko na pag bumalik ako dito wala na akong pakialam sa kanya. Kaso shit, hindi ko kinaya. I missed him so much. Siya naman.. my god, sa school pa ng kapatid ko nagtuturo ngayon. So nung Halloween, pinuntahan ko siya sa school event nila. And I did the most embarrassing thing ever: I threw myself at him. That was the lowest point of my life, Zades. I fucking begged him to come back to me, to choose me again. Begged. Andreau used to tease me na isang araw lulunukin ko rin ang pride kong kasing taas ng Empire State Building. Guess what? The bastard's fucking right. Just.. don't tell him that." She lit up another stick and took a long drag before exhaling the smoke. "Ilang beses ko na ring inisip what if si Pipo na lang ang pinili ko at hindi si Lean. Wala pa ako sa kalahati ng imagination ko tinigil ko na, sayang sa brain space."

"Do you regret being with him, Ate?"

She paused for awhile, then, "No, I don't. Hindi ako kagaya ng iba na pinagsisisihan na minahal ang isang tao. Sure, we ended badly. He hurt me, I hurt him. Sayang kami... the likes. Ang dami naming good memories eh, and without those things, hindi siguro ako magiging ganito. Natural lang naman maging bitter, Zades. Outlet 'yon ng mga nasaktan. But I don't regret him. Meeting him, loving him, being with him, choosing him until the end.. I don't regret it. I will never regret it. He wasn't a mistake. He wasn't the wrong person. Actually, Lean was all I ever wanted in a guy. Siya yung nagparealize sa 'kin na may dream guy pala ako at siya 'yon. He'll always be one of the important people in my life. Nothing could change that."