Take Me As I Am (Completed)

Chapter Forty-Four

Letting my arms create a shelf for my chin, I stared out. 

The time ticked by, and my mind wandered. My thoughts were collected from theories on my favorite TV shows, to how much my life had changed since that phone call from Miranda. 

"Hey. You're not dead are you?"

A voice jolted me out of my life analysis and I glanced up to see Niall standing a few feet behind me. I shook my head, not bothering with a response. He stood there awkwardly for a few seconds before taking a few steps forward and falling down next to me.

"Plotting murders in your head?" He asked as a few more seconds passed by.

"Not really," I shrugged. 

"Al… Something's bothering you.You've been different since you came back-"

I groaned, immediately hiding my face from him and staring directly down. 

"What'd I say?" Niall seemed confused, his body facing the water by his head turned to look at me.

"I'm just really tired of being told I'm 'different'. That I've 'changed'. Isn't it normal for teenagers to change?" I said, still not looking up. I'm sure my voice was muffled because of my arms, but I didn't really care. 

"Want to talk about it?" Niall offered.

"I don't want to be considered a sappy girl who pours out her emotions on a beach to a boy. That just sounds like the plot to a really horrible movie." I said, turning to shoot him a forced smile.

"Well, I'll just sit here and chisel away at the wall that's around you… Because we all know you're never going to be a 'sappy' girl." 

"That's the problem I'm having right now… What's wrong with growing up? Doesn't growing up mean changing? And is it really just because I was on this show? So many people are trying to convince me that this show changed my personality; I believe that I would have become who I am right this second even without the show. Have I really changed that much?" I said, looking towards Niall. I could barely make out his blonde hair, but I could see his blue eyes clouded with worry.

"Tell me what you mean." 

"It's like... I got so used to this pattern I was in with my best friends. Doing the same things everyday, seeing the same people, living the same way... Everything was the same. But then that pattern broke  and I had to adapt to a whole new environment. But then I got used to a new pattern, starting to get into the groove of things in California. Once that pattern was broken, I couldn't go back into my old pattern no matter how hard I tried. So what do I do now? Make a new pattern? How do I change back? Is that even a possibility? I don't think it is... Not after everything that's happened." I bit my lip as I stared out into the shining ocean, my eyes hypnotized by the crashing of the waves. I could feel Niall's eyes on me.

"You don't need a pattern to survive. It's true, you're not who you were when I first met you." As I started to protest, Niall motioned me to be quiet. "I never said that was a bad thing. We all change. Events shape who we are - people shape who we are. Do you think I'd be the exact same as I am now if I hadn't auditioned for the X factor? No, I would not. Putting yourself into another continual pattern will only hurt you again, because everything changes. Nothing stays the same."