TRIAL AND ERROR | short stories + snippets

Selving, pt 1

Content warning for mild/mostly implicit gender dysphoria

The alarm clock ticks as Caleb stares at it. It's taunting him. He's going to throw that clock out of the window as soon as he bothers to get out of bed. Though he lives on the ground floor so that would accomplish little.

It's a hideous bit of plastic, shaped like a tiny aquarium full of little plastic fish that eleven-year-old him reckoned was the wickedest thing you could get for ten quid. The price has proved to him, yet again, that cheap things always become more expensive in the end—the ticking has become progressively louder over the past five years and now every second is bludgeoned into his skull.

Just wait. As soon as he's able to move, that clock is going to bloody wish it never ticked its first tock.

A knock. Which means it's Nicolás because no one in Caleb's family knocks. Nicolás shows himself into the house but not his room.

Caleb doesn't answer and the door is eased open. Nicolás pokes his head in, finds Caleb awake, and steps through. 'You–?'

Caleb's window is open, along with all the other windows—the moment Nicolás lets go of the door, it slams shut. Every glass item in the house shivers.

'Sorry.' He grimaces. 'You ready to go?'

Caleb moves just enough to glare at him instead of the alarm clock. 'Where?'

'To get our GCSE¹ results.'

They had agreed to go together. Otherwise, Nicolás would've been at the school at 7:50 AM to fetch his envelope the moment the gate opened. But Caleb had a doctor's appointment in the morning so they agreed to collect them before noon.

Caleb burrows deeper into bed. It's twenty-eight degrees and the sun beats down on the brick houses of their Moss Side estate but Caleb is nestled under his duvet. He's simultaneously hot and cold, his knee and armpits sticky while his spine is feathered by shivers.

Having a body is a hazard. He'd much rather not have one.

'I've decided to drop out of school so I actually don't need my GCSE results.'

'Have you?' Nicolás asks, not slightly phased. He picks up a squish ball from his friend's desk to fidget with. 'Well, come as emotional support for me then.'

'You are so needy! Like we don't know you got A-stars across the board.'

Nicolás shrugs. 'I definitely cocked up that question on carbon displacement reactions.' When Caleb still doesn't move, Nicolás stands at his bedside to stare down at him. 'C'mon then. I'll get you ice cream on the way.'

Bribery always works. Caleb is stubborn but he likes ice cream much more.

Noticing this, Nicolás grins and Caleb's mouth twitches to mirror it. He clamps his lips into a line to hide his weaknesses but it only makes the smile more obvious.

Recognising his victory, Nicolás heads for the door.

'Wait, I've not got my dick on,' he snaps and Nicolás stops.

Caleb grabs the cotton packer² from the nightstand where he left it last night, insanitarily perhaps. The fabric has a fish pattern printed onto it. He shoves it into his briefs, tight enough to keep the packer in place without a harness or glue which he doesn't have money for and that sound uncomfortable anyway. Still, he frowns at the lack of bulge in his shorts. Maybe he should add some rolled-up socks to it or would that look like he's walking about stiffy and then get put on a sex offender list?

Opting out of that option, Caleb stands and grabs his crutches. His clothes are rumpled from having lain in them and his curls have flattened on the right side of his head. He pulls his hood up, not that it hides the mess of his hairline but neither of his mums knows how to taper it well, as is proven by the years of botched attempts in his primary school photos after he told them he wanted to look like a boy.

'You won't be hot in that?' Nicolás asks, nodding at the hoodie. 'It is well baking out there and all.'

Nicolás himself is wearing a vest and shorts, a printed scarf tied over his locs to protect his scalp from the sun. But the line of Nicolás's shoulders is so straight you could balance a level on them, unlike Caleb's rounded ones. Which is unfair, mind you, because Caleb easily beats Nicolás in arm wrestling every time, given he's had to lug his whole body weight around since the amputation.

'It's fine.'

'Alright, got everything?' Nicolás asks, grinning as he opens the door. 'Phone, keys, penis?'

Notes

1. GCSEs: General Certificate of Secondary Education, a set of exams taken at the end of year 11, at the age of 15/16.

2. Packer: Padding or a phallic object in the front of the pants or underwear to give the appearance of having a penis or bulge. There are many different types, including everything from a clump of fabric to a realistic penis.