The Last Straw

Introduction (to my exceptionally sad life.)

  When I was younger, people used to ask me about my future plans. I always told them that I wanted to be a teacher just not to be judged and listen to their advices which had no use for me. One day, I told an old couple that I wanted to be a poet... Now thinking about it, I would be a terrible poet.
  Because;

"Life is nonsense,
And I want to die.

Arizona is where I'm from,
But I want to die."

Jesse Rutherford

  Well, this is just an example. I'm not good at writing. Basically, I'm not good at anything, I have never been, which is funny. 

  When I was in junior year of high school, our English teacher asked us to write poems about death. That was weird of her to ask sixteen-year-olds to write about death. I could write one though, but I didn't. Instead, I stole a poem of Alfred Edward Housman (who was an incredible English poet) and turned that masterpiece into a mess.

"Here dead lie we because we did not choose
To live and shame the from which we sprung
Life, to be sure, is nothing much to lose;
But young men think it is, and we were young."
Alfred Edward Housman

"Here dead lie we because did we ever get up and learn how
To live and shame the land from which we sprung.
Life, to be sure will NEVER be something to lose;
And I as a young man, will never think it is."
Jesse Rutherford

  Teacher didn't approve with that one. She wanted to see at least one of my parents to ask if I was alright... I WAS NOT.
  It had been 16 years of life and I had accomplished nothing, literally, NOTHING. How could I be alright? I never had the urge to join social clubs or anything like that. My only social club was my best friend Chris Price and his girlfriend (also my best friend) Alexis Dennis. We used to have so much fun in high school by doing nothing.

  Now it's been 18 years of this dull life and when I look back upon it, it's always with a sense of pity.

  My parents made me go to psychologists, didn't work out. Then we tried psychiatrists, didn't work out. NOTHING EVER WORKED OUT FOR ME AND I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING.

  Finally, we decided that everything was just waste of money, time and energy which was completely true because I have a broken soul and it can't be fixed. 
  
  Other thing which can't be fixed was my mom's health, she was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in senior year of high school. For once in my life, I felt strong and courage enough to believe that Mary Parker Rutherford could get through that with the support of her loved ones... And of course, chemotherapy... So Bruce Rutherford (also known as 'dad') closed his company to be home and spend more time with her. I was home most of the time and so was my sister Jennifer. We were okay like that. 
  We had this amazing chemistry between me and mom but also sister and dad... Well, I guess that's just called family...
  Mom was a professor at Arizona State and her life was full of academic accomplishments (unlike mine) dad had a company for some parts of microscopes which to me, was distinctly redundant. Sister fought mom to take a year off before university to stay with her because she was supposed to go to Sydney but that was too far and she always wanted to be around.
  Me? I had no plans. I applied to some random and near universities around and that was it. I didn't even care about it. I might have a dull life but I'm aware that education is important... But it wasn't that important when I was literally a living dead.
  My life's never been a joyful one, I've never been a joyful person and most importantly, I had no idea who I was until life gave me a chance to explore myself in the most bitter way.

  Ask me who I am and I will never tell. I am a complicated human being.