Spectrum (Frerard, Petekey)

14: Pete Just Loves Fucking Things In The Ass

They just didn't like drugs that was all, and Ray had spoken for Frank as well as himself, saying they were good kids who wouldn't dare do that, and that was truly what Ray thought as he took another sip of his beer; his lips moving but not a single word making sense in Frank's brain.

He felt like he was living a double life: there was the person he felt he had to be for everyone, and then there was the strong side of him that succumbed to addiction, yearned for some fucking coke, and even wished he was spending this night with Freddie as opposed to Ray. Frank hated that side of him, but it was as much a part, well really, it was a bigger part of him than the side he wanted to be.

"Earth to Frank?" Ray's voice grew louder, clicking his fingers in front of Frank's face, and soon grabbing the younger boy's attention with his actions. "God, were you even listening to a fucking word I've been saying?"

"I'm just..." Frank let out a sigh, fighting the urge to shake his head, "I'm thinking."

"What about?" Ray asked, concern becoming evident in his voice, in that fucking Ray Toro manner, because Ray would always care, even when you didn't want him to, and that was either the best or the worst quality in the world; Frank just hadn't figured it out yet.

"Myself, not in a narcissistic way, I just... I have this secret and I hate it - it's like a burden, but I can't tell anyone, and I can't fix it on my own, and Gee knows but I hate that she knows, because as much as she tries to deny it, she hates it too. It's the part of me that she hates, that I hate, that everyone will hate, and it's... I don't know what to do, Ray, I honestly don't."

"I can't really help if you don't tell me." Ray let out a sigh, meeting Frank's gaze, "I'm not gonna judge you, I promise you that, Frank."

"Fuck, I guess... I guess I'll just have to fix it myself-"

"Can't Gee help you?"

"She doesn't know the extent of it... she just knows the basics, and she thinks that's all of it. I can't bear to tell her, fuck, don't even suggest it."

"You can't keep it locked up inside you forever, Frank, or it's going to swallow you whole."

But Frank couldn't shake the notion that it already had.

-

It was one of those nights where the house didn't feel like home, and the four walls of Mikey's bedroom appeared as arms closing around him, constricting him, as if he was destined to die right there in his bed, with the covers pulled up over his head in a useless attempt to protect himself from the world and its horrors, because Mikey wasn't that little anymore.

He was outgrowing this all, despite how much he just wanted to stay little, to lie there forever, he wanted to be safe inside his own head, inside his own room forever, he wanted to keep lying to himself, he wanted to cling onto youth, to cling onto to sanity, to the monsters under his bed, and not the ones undercover out there in the real world, because the latter were far more dangerous and he was learning that the hard way.

He wanted this all to stop, he wanted the world around him to fade away into familiarity, he wanted to be okay, he wanted to make sense of nonsense, and even stay naive if it meant staying sane, because Mikey didn't reckon he was ready at all: hating every glimpse of what was to come of the real world.

Tonight had been a horrible night; a horrible meal with a horrible family, lies told by the dozen at the dinner table, only outdone by the number of times his parents said 'Gerard'. Gee was used to it by now - long used to everything to hate about the world, and she could make it through, she was okay, okay with herself, and she had Frank and Lindsey, and all of those other insanely cool goth girls that Mikey didn't quite know the name of.