External Inputs

It's On Me

I was out of line.
No excuses. No pretty wrapping. Just the wreckage.

"You ever say something so cruel it echoes in your bones after? That was me."

You looked out for me.
You tried—fuck, you really tried.
Tried to understand a hurricane like me, walked through glass barefoot just to sit with my silence.
And what did I do?

I twisted your care like it was a weapon.
I told you I hated you for it.
I weaponized your kindness, spit it back in your face.

"I said it like I meant it. Like I wanted to drive you away. Maybe a part of me did—just to prove I’m as unlovable as I think."

But I didn’t mean it.
Not those four words.

"I never hated you. I hated that you could see me. Hated that your touch didn’t burn me. That it made me feel… safe. Like maybe I didn’t have to keep bleeding just to stay alive."

You didn’t deserve that.
You didn’t deserve to be collateral in a war I’ve been losing with myself.

"I feel the way your eyes dropped. Like the last thread just snapped. And it was me who cut it."

I didn’t mean to make you carry my violence.
Didn’t mean to shove you out and call it honesty.
Didn’t mean to hurt the one person who made the darkness less loud.

But I did.

And I’ll own it.

"I said things I didn’t mean because I was drowning, and drowning people don’t reach—they claw."

So yeah…
No comment ka na.
I get it.
Silence is safer.
You don’t have to forgive me.
You don’t have to come back. (May you come back?)

"But if you ever wonder—if any part of you still aches when you remember me—I need you to know this:

I didn’t mean it.
I never did."

That night…
I let my guilt bleed out.
Slashed it into my skin like I could carve the words back.
"I’m sorry" over and over.
Until I felt something other than the shame.

"I hurt myself because I couldn’t go back and unhurt you."

If I could lie, I’d say I’m fine.
If I could lie, I’d say I didn’t care.
But I can’t.

All I have left is this—

"I fucked up.
And the truth is, I said what I didn’t mean.
Because I was too afraid to say what I did."

That I needed you.

And I lost you.