A Door To Nowhere

Days left: 24

'What?' she says, flicking off the Xbox and turning around. Her eyebrows pull together, and I notice she's dabbed glitter all around her eyes. 'I would've thought that you'd have given it some thought. You know, seeing as you've only got a couple of weeks left. Are you actually planning on dying a virgin?'

The question makes my cheeks flame. I look to Will for help, but he's watching me curiously.

'I – um,' I start, and fiddle with the necklace at my throat. 'Well... no. I don't want to, anyway.'

'I thought that would have been on your bucket list,' Saffron grins. 'Find someone to sleep with before imminent death.'

I can see Will trying really hard not to roll his eyes beside her. I push down my awkwardness, and try to speak without all the blood in my body rushing to my face.

'I'd like to experience it before... you know,' I say, grimacing. 'But I'm not walking up to random strangers and asking them to have sex with me. That's just weird.'

'You could always ask Charlie,' Saffron says, arching an eyebrow. 'I'm sure he'd agree to it.'

The idea makes my heart slam against my ribs. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought much about sex. It's all anyone at school can talk about; who's sleeping with who, how far someone went, rumours about people and places and the pain of it. I'm curious. It's something that put me here on earth. I'm not sure I want to leave without experiencing it.

'Rory,' Will says, rubbing a hand through his short hair. 'About the whole November thing... are you still sure that it's going to happen?'

I can see the doubt written across his face. But Saffron frowns, and pushes him in the arm.

'Will. Dorika died on the day she predicted over sixteen years before. I think if she could guess her own, she could guess Rory's too.'

A tiny sense of fear creeps into my gut. I've been doing really well at forgetting what's ahead of me, what Dorika laid out in her note. I'm not thinking about the actual date, or how soon it will come around. I'm concentrating on each day as it comes.

'This is a big deal,' Will says to me, his voice kind. 'What happens if you lose it, and then you don't die?'

Saffron sighs. 'Will. It's not a big deal. Virginity isn't a commodity anymore. It's just people who want to enjoy sex.'

Will chews on the inside of his mouth, but he doesn't say anything. I ignore the slow panic climbing in my chest, and take a deep breath.

'I might die. I might not die. Either way, what's the harm in me just trying new things? What's the worst that could happen?'

'You had to say it, didn't you?' Saffron says, pulling a face. 'Now you've jinxed it.'

I sit up straighter. 'I'm being drunk, okay? Getting the most out of life. It's not a bad thing.'

Will fiddles with his shirt sleeve, staring at the floor. In that moment, I realize how worried he is. I open my mouth, trying to form some words to reassure him, but Saffron breaks the silence first.

'Are you scared?' she says suddenly. 'Of dying?'

Her question throws me. Of course I'm scared; I don't want to die, to leave everything behind. Every time I've thought about death, I imagined myself being old and grey and passing away calmly. Because that was the right time to go – that was the time when I had done everything I'd wanted to.