Invisible String

I don't know why I bite

The next few days were incredibly awkward, it consisted of Bobby making little comments about how right he was about John and Jody trying to get him to pack it in. I tried to distract everyone, I wasn't very successful, I tried to find a new case for them to work on or a movie for them to watch. It turned out that Dean was still a total movie snob and he hated everything I picked out, he kept leaving and saying he was going to bed about halfway through the movie but it would be as early as 7pm and he would bring beer bottles up with him. Sam at least tried to pretend that I was distracting him by making conversation about the movies or encouraging Dean to look at the cases but I could tell he was only thinking about John, they both seemed pretty shaken up by it. 

I felt so horrible that there was nothing I could do to make them feel better. At night sometimes i heard them arguing quietly in their room about the reason their dad wasn't calling back. Sam seemed to think it was John's way of saying he didn't care about them anymore or that he had some kind of psychotic break that they should just leave him to deal with. Dean was much more worried, he thought he might have gone after the demon that killed their mom without him and that he was hurt or worse. 

One night I heard rustling outside, I thought maybe it was a raccoon or some kind of animal going through the shed. I opened my window to try and see if it was something I could chase away but instead I saw Dean in the car. He was rummaging through the glove compartment like a mad man and he looked pretty out of it. 

I pull on my old muddy trainers and a jacket over my pyjamas before quietly sneaking out to see what he was doing / if he was okay. Of course I knew he wasn't but maybe now it was just us, I could finally get him to talk. 

"Dean..?" I try to get his attention without startling him but that didn't seem to work. He quickly shut the glove compartment and sits up.

"Hey.."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." He doesn't quite snap but I could tell he was holding it back to some capacity. 

"I might not know what's going on with you and your dad but I can see this is really effecting you, you don't have to shut me out-"

"Just because that's what you think is the case, doesn't mean it is. I'm fuckin' fine so stop pushing your mushy bullshit on me." 

He had never snapped at me like this before, not even when we were kids, I suppose a lot had happened since then and I didn't know him as well as Sam or Bobby but I really wanted to help where I could. I knew this was something I could help with. I could listen. 

"I'm sorry, I just-"

"You just wanted to help? Well I don't want it! I don't need anything from you."

I flinch slightly at his level of anger and how much of it seemed to be a personal issue with me. Maybe I was thinking too much into it but I back up anyway. His face looked furious and when he saw my reaction, it seemed to soften slightly with something like regret but then it hardens again and he doesn't say anything. 

I hear footsteps behind me of someone running and when I turned around, I saw Sam running over. He looked really angry, I assumed it was at me because I had clearly intruded on something that I wasn't supposed to be involved in.

"Dean! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

My eyes widen, I was taken aback by him defending me, it felt good although I wasn't sure if it should. Dean was right, I was invading on his privacy when he was trying to go through the car, I feel guilt simmering below the surface. However, it felt like everyone had been snapping at me lately and taking it out on me because I was trying to fix everything. 

"What's wrong with me? It's her! I'm trying to have some time to myself here."

"God, you're such an asshole. You can't just lash out because she was trying to check on you!"

"I'm sorry-" I blurt out but it was completely ignored by their own argument which seemed to be fuelled by something outside of the actual situation. 

"Yeah, well maybe I don't like to be followed around by people trying to make an issue out of nothing." 

Sam looked like he was about to burst but then exhaustion washes over his face and he sighs. He drags his hand over his face and turns away from Dean, finally realising I was still stood there. 

"You should go back to bed.."

I nod and walk away, feeling pretty confused on if I had done something, if Dean was just in a bad mood and most of all, I wanted to know what he was looking for. I knew it was none of my business but they were both starting to worry me. Now I understood why Bobby always said they were draining. 

Dean was a good guy but John had forced him to do all that macho shit so now whenever he was emotional, he got aggressive or withdrew. Sam was well meaning but he still saw things very black and white compared to Dean which I could imagine probably led to frequent arguments. Although he wasn't as big with the macho stuff, he was still horrific at sharing how he was feeling and he totally withdrew. These idiots were a terrible combo when there was something so highly emotional going on in their life, like their dad.

When I get back in bed, I can still hear them talking outside, it sounded pretty intense, I tried not to listen. In the end I had to find some ear plugs to force myself not to listen. I could still hear them through them but I couldn't hear what they were saying which put my morals at ease. After about 10 more minutes of listening to their muffled talking, I fell asleep.

It was a strange sleep, I didn't know exactly what I had dreamed of but the next morning I woke up with a pit in my stomach that I needed to remember something from that dream. I tried but it just seemed to be no use.