In the End it's on you

~ Chapter 2 ~

Madison's POV

April 20th

Beep Beep Beep

The sound I had to hear every single morning. I hated it. Always the same. I couldn't even turn in it off. It always meant I had to stand up from my bed and go to breakfast. It pissed me off so bad.

I looked next to me to the empty bed. I was happy having no roommate and being alone. But it had been too lonely lately and my condition got worse.

I was finally able to stand up after fifteen minutes of just sitting in bed. After I opened the window to feel some fresh air I fell to the ground and got dizzy.

I stood up and leaned against the table which was splitted in half for two roommates.

The cold air brushed my face and I was able to calm down and stand without help again. I walked to the door and exited.

I walked down the hallway, orienting myself with the signs. I was instructed two years ago but I still don't know everything about the clinic I was in.

When I entered the cafeteria I felt the same feeling as always. The feeling of throwing up immediatly. The smell of food in the air. I couldn't stand it. I hate it so much.

I took an apple and some bread so nobody would think I wouldn't eat anything. After I sat down on a table away from everyone I got lost in my thoughts. Everyone knew about my ED and would tell the doctors immediatly. Everyone knows everyones reason why they're in here. But I don't talk to anyone. I have no friends.

I'd rather be alone than getting attached to someone.

I am not capable of helping someone. I would only make it worse. I've always been alone.

After the sudden raindrops on the window beside me tore me out of my thoughts I looked down at my foodplate. The first bite of the meal was always the hardest. But I got through it. I took some more bites. It was hard but I listened to my own music to distract from the urge to throw up.

The time went over and I was finally done eating breakfast. I stood up and took my foodplate to give it back to the kitchen.  The way to the kitchen felt so much longer than it used it. I looked around to see the people getting more blurry and taller.

My eyes started to flutter and I could feel myself falling to the ground. The foodplate fell to the ground and broke. While I was falling I tried to catch it but it was too late. My sight was blurry. Not black, just blurry. I heard the footsteps around me running in my direction. With the chatter around me and the people who got on my height my sight got clearer.

'Are you okay' 'What happend' 'Can you stand up?' 'Did you eat?'

...

'Did you sleep?'

Stupid question. Every question was so casual but whoever asked that question was just stupid.

I nodded to every other question. Without a word I stood up and leaned against the nearest table. I shook every question off and just walked back to my room. It felt unreal walking just like nothing happened. I entered my room and leaned against my door. I exhaled shakily and walked to the bathroom.

⚠️ Eating Disorder, Vomit (Emetiphobia), Panic Attack (?) ⚠️

I opened the door and pushed myself to the toilet. I leaned over the toilet and started coughing.

I cried words out I didn't even understand myself. I slighlty banged my head against the wall and started breathing heavily.

The moment I started to remeber my meal from before and I immediatly started breathing more heavy and shakily. I leaned myself over the toilet again and put my fingers into my mouth and pushed them further in. I made myself vomit until I couldn't go any further. I stood up and leaned against the door to steady myself. After some time I cleaned everything. I skipped lunch and dinner. I just sat at my desk and writing some stuff down. With my head on the desk and my leg hoping up and down I looked at the clock and went to go shower.

⚠️ End ⚠️

I exited my room and walked to the shared shower. It was already late so nobody would go shower now.

I thought. But when I entered I saw three people standing there walking to the showers. I sigh and walked after them.

The other girls walked together in the other direction and I am really happy about that. I immediatly claimed the shower where no one can see you and your body. I put my stuff down and got undressed.

(⚠️ Body dysmorphia ⚠️).

I looked in the mirror and down my body. I could see every single bone on my skin. My body was pale and had much red spots.

'It looks so disgusting'

I thought to myself every single time I went showering. I just sighed and turned around.

I turned on the hot water on and closed my eyes. It always felt so refreshing. Feeling the water running down your skin and touching every inch of your body. I ran my hands through my white long hair as I turned off the shower.

I dried my body and my hair to get changed and walked out of the shared showers.

I walked down the hallways to see the moon slowly rising. I smiled at the moon being thankful to have a room where the moon shines right into it.

When I arrived at my room I was finally able to lay in bed and just watch the night getting over. Living was harder than I thought with insomnia but I think you get used to it. Atleast I did.

———————————

April 21th

The night passed faster than I thought and I am more tired than usual. I stayed in bed very long because I just didn't want to stand up. The whole night was just terrible. I was left alone with my thoughts.

11:00am

Already?!

I stood up and got dizzy again. With my hand against my head I walked down the hallway to go to the yard and get some fresh air. I saw some other patients probably wanting to do same thing.

'I mean I skipped breakfast, maybe not to bad I stood up so late'

I walked to the backdoor and walked around the garden. The birds chirping around me felt like heaven. No one else was around. Just nature and me. I sat down on a bench nearby and watched the birds flying around, the leaves shaking with the wind, the sun shining on the water and my reflection in it.

My hair slightly danced with the wind, I leaned back and closed my eyes. I exhaled deeply and looked up at the sky. Everything felt so refreshing and I didn't felt anything else but comfortness?

With the mood slowly getting depressing and sad I stood up and walked back inside. That damn smell of the clinic I knew since two fricking years came back. I sigh and walked around the clinic with my headphones on.

I walked across the clinic with dizziness but it would take some minutes for me to get to my room. I was now standing in front of the main entrance and looked at a girl my age. She has a beautiful style and a symmetrical face.

Before I could look at any more of her features I could feel my body getting weaker and my sight getting black.

I collapsed to the ground before I woke up in a room that seems familiar.

———————————

-
-
-
-

~ Chapter 2 ~