Currents

Thirty-four ~ Confrontation

Thirty-four ~ Confrontation

When the doorbell chimed, my stomach clenched with nerves—an involuntary reaction to the prospect of it being Brent standing outside. It should have fluttered with memories of the previous day we'd spent in bed together, exploring more of Brent's hotel room than London. Instead, fear of him being seen overpowered any pleasant sensations, and I hated that.

Seeing Alastair on my doorstep, however, brought a fresh wave of emotions over me.

"I wanted to apologise for yesterday at the office," he said. "You caught me by surprise, and I didn't react well."

"I swear, I had no idea he was coming. I thought things were finished when I left North Carolina."

"So, you were together?" He arched an eyebrow. "If you thought things were finished, that means something had started?"

Alastair never missed a beat, so accustomed to analysing everyone's words and absorbing each detail. He swallowed, as if to regain composure, then cast his eyes down the street.

Nausea reared its ugly head, but not out of guilt. I had every right to be with whoever I wanted, but witnessing Alastair's hurt filled me with compassion. Why would I want to inflict that pain on someone else when I'd experienced it myself?

"I only had a few weeks left there," I said. "That wasn't enough time to start something, and neither of us wanted to get involved in a relationship that wouldn't last."

Sighing, Alastair rubbed at his eyes then scraped his hand through his hair. "This is going to sound fucked up, but I wish you'd cheated on me before I cheated on you. Then I'd have known how it felt, and I'd never have done it to you. I'd never have wanted you to feel the way I feel right now."

Before splitting from Alastair, I'd resisted every attraction towards Brent—aside from that one drunken night. I'd battled with the temptation and moral dilemma, part of me wanting to get back at Alastair but the other part unwilling to sink to his level.

Now, though, I'd never been more relieved to have defied those urges. Alastair and I both knew I'd had every right to sleep with Brent once we'd broken up, but it didn't stop the inevitable hurt.

"It just pisses me off, Rosa, because I keep thinking everything that went wrong with us was my fault and maybe if I'd been more sensible, we'd still be together."

"You can't think like that," I said, shaking my head. "What's done is done. Perhaps it was bad timing for us, but I learnt such a lot during our relationship. We have to move on, though."

"Are you moving on with him? Or is he just... part of the process?"

I sighed and closed my eyes, as if blocking out Alastair would make all of this go away.

"I'm not sure," I said, meeting his gaze to express my honesty. "We're just addressing what we felt during summer. I don't know if it's something that will last, something that we'll both move on from, or something that we'll visit again in the future. I'm trying not to over-analyse it; I've done enough of that and just want a couple of weeks of selfishness where I do what makes me happy."

Almost like a visible shield, Alastair's guard rose. And I didn't blame him. He'd been honest with me, shown his vulnerable side and put me in a position where I could hurt him. Now he wanted to protect himself again.

As much as I didn't like the idea of us not having that companionship anymore, I had to let go. If we were both to move on, we couldn't keep delving into each other's lives.

"I want you to be happy, Rosa," he said, seeming sincere. "And if anyone deserves to be selfish, it's you."

~~~