YOU ARE THIRTEEN AND
HE LOOKS AT YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT IS LOVELY
HE HAS A HONEY STARE AND ITS ALL STICKY AND SWEET AND YOU SMILE AS DAINTILY AS YOU CAN AT HIM BUT YOU DONT SEE THE BLACK IN HIS BLUE EYES
(do you remember when you tried to speak french
the recordings seem to find their way to my ears
every friday night)
YOU ARE FIFTEEN AND ITS KISSING FOR THE FIRST TIME AND
YOU THINK ITS WHAT YOU WANTED AND YOU LOVE THE FEELING OF HIS HAND WRAPPED AROUND THE BACK OF YOUR NECK
YOU ARE FIFTEEN AND YOU IGNORE THE THOUGHT THAT MAYBE ITS EASIER TO BREATHE WHEN HE ISNT CHOKING YOU WITH HALF FILLED PROMISES
(i think you meant to keep me to yourself and you never knew but
your mother taught me to cook when you were at work)
YOU ARE SEVENTEEN AND YOU SAY LOVE TO HIM EVERY DAY BUT HE IS VERY FLIGHTY
YOU DONT KNOW WHY AND YOU THINK ITS YOU
YOU ARE SEVENTEEN AND YOU LET HIM UNDER YOUR CLOTHES BECAUSE YOU WANT HIM TO STAY
AND HE FINALLY TELLS YOU HE LOVES YOU BUT YOU COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE HIS TREATING YOU LIKE A TROPHY
(white, white sheets
reminds you of a hospital bed
i wondered if that was good
if you were all i wanted)
YOU ARE NINETEEN AND ITS FIGHT
FIGHT
FIGHT
HE TREATS YOU LIKE A HALF GOD
OR SO YOU HOPE
BUT HE HOLDS YOU AWAY FROM HIM LIKE YOUR POISON
YOU ARE NINETEEN AND ALL YOU KNOW IS THAT WHEN HE LEAVES ITS TOO SUNNY
YOU WANT IT TO RAIN
(the thing is summer in portland is so damn hot
even as you were calling it your "home"
i wanted to be your home
i never liked it there anyway)
YOU ARE TWENTY AND YOU SEARCH FOR HIM IN EMPTY BOTTLES AND UNMADE BEDS AND
NO ONE IS GOOD ENOUGH ANYMORE BECAUSE HE WAS YOURS
YOU ARE TWENTY AND YOU LEAVE MEN ONE AFTER THE OTHER BECAUSE THEY HAVE BROWN EYES INSTEAD OF BLUE
(you sent me a postcard from greece that one summer
i have it here somewhere but
you had told me about buildings and people
while i sat missing you)
HE IS TWENTY AND HE PARADES LIKE A PRINCE
HE GOT WHAT HE WANTED
AND YOU ARE STILL ALONE
BREAK A PLATE FOR ALL HE WAS WORTH
(your father played hockey on sundays
and you would always talk to the blond with the german accent
i would do my makeup darker those days
even though i told you she didnt bother me)
YOU WILL SCREAM HIS NAME AT A DARK BLUE SKY AND THEN
YOU WILL HEAR IT ECHO BACK TO YOU
AND HE SOUNDS LIKE PAIN
AND YOU ARE NUMB
YOU'LL HATE HIS MEMORY AND
EVEN THEN
IT WON'T LEAVE
(second winter
hand on my knee under the table
i tried not to blush
but i recall smiling at how everything was so wonderfully far from
perfect)
YOU SCREAMED GOODBYE WHEN HE SLAMMED THE GODDAMNED DOOR
AND YOU HATE HIM FOR BEING SO QUIET
YOU WANTED HIM TO SCREAM AND CRY
YOU WANTED TO HEAR SOMETHING OTHER THAN THE SOUND OF
HIM WALKING AWAY
(i swore to myself id never write something you brought on)
IS IT BETTER TO THINK THAT
HE WAS ONLY USING YOU
OR THAT YOU DROVE HIM AWAY
YOU CRY HIS NAME IN YOUR EMPTY APARTMENT
EVEN THOUGH IT DOESNT DESERVE TO STILL HAUNT YOU
(im sorry about the mark on your kitchen wall where i threw a plate
i can still see the austere look in your eyes)
YOU ARE TWENTY AND THE LAST TIME HE TOLD YOU THAT
HE LOVED YOU
WAS WHEN HE TOLD YOU THAT HE WANTED MORE
THAN WHAT YOU COULD OFFER
(i still remember how we looked at each other even if
you deny how it felt)
(im sorry
i love you
im so so sorry)
after everything he did || e.s.
