Traffic [Valduggery, Skulduggery Pleasant Fanfiction]

Cows

Valkyrie looked at him. "What?"

Skulduggery looked out from underneath the monster that was bleeding on him. "Sorry?"

"You just muttered something. I heard you."

Skulduggery pushed the monster away from him. It rolled, the moonlight catching the ridges and curves of its head in a particularly nasty way. It was a shame, too. It was beautiful out. The air wasn't too chilly, and the field behind them rustled in the breeze.

"I didn't," he said, standing and brushing off as much of the blood off as he could. "I feel as though you were just dazzled by that amazing feat of marksmanship, and maybe you mumbled something under your breath."

"What would I mumble?" she asked, nudging the monster with her foot.

"I assume it would be full of praise. Awe."

Valkyrie raised an eyebrow at him. The monster moved, and she leapt away, magic crackling on the tips of her fingers. When the monster didn't get up, she glared at Skulduggery, who tilted his head.

"Careful, it might bleed on you."

"Oh, like you?"

Skulduggery looked down at his suit, and his shoulders slumped. "Don't ever mock the loss of a fine suit, Valkyrie."

Valkyrie shrugged, prodding the monster again with her toe. It really was ugly. It had a huge head, eyes that bugged over a tiny chin. Its thin neck didn't look able to support the head. The body was small, but the arms and legs were long and gangly.

"So, this is our alien?" Valkyrie asked, poking the monster's forehead. It split down the middle, revealing a set of jaws where a brain should have been. "Well, that explains why the cows had holes in them."

"It would indeed," Skulduggery agreed, still sounding a little upset. "Arms or legs?"

"Ugh, legs."

Skulduggery grabbed the monster under its arms, and Valkyrie grabbed the legs. A tongue poked out from the creature's mouth, licking at Skulduggery's tie. He grunted unhappily.

"What did you mutter, though?"

Skulduggery sighed. "As I said, it must have been your awe."

Valkyrie would have wagged a finger at him. "No, no, you definitely said something. It... It almost sounded like you were talking to something. Under your breath."

"I was apologizing to the alien for shooting it horribly in the chest."

"No, it wouldn't have understood you. You wouldn't apologize unless someone could appreciate how witty you were being with your apology. Were you talking to yourself?"

Skulduggery didn't answer for a moment. They passed the pasture of cows. Valkyrie looked over at them, and she grinned as a young one wandered closer. It blinked its big brown eyes at her.

And then its head split down the middle.

Valkyrie let out a slight shriek, dropping the alien.

"Skulduggery!" she yelled in alarm.

"Valkyrie?"

"The cow!"

Skulduggery looked over, and then gently placed the monster back on the ground. The split in the cow's head continued to grow larger, and Valkyrie watched in a horrified kind of stupor as a tongue poked its way out of the bloody hole.

"That's creepy," Valkyrie muttered, feeling stupid for yelling.

"Apparently, our alien-monster didn't just eat cows. It made a friend." Skulduggery walked closer to the fence, whistling to the cow. He pulled out his gun.

"Skulduggery, you can't just shoot it."

"It's a monster, not unlike that one there, which tried to kill me. Oh, and you. It also tried to kill you, but mainly me." He crouched in front of the cow, head tilted as he observed it.

Valkyrie stood behind him, watching the pink tongue flail in the mouth. "But it's a baby."

"Babies kill, Valkyrie."

"Maybe it's like a normal cow. Pet it."

Skulduggery craned his neck to look at her. "You pet it. I want to shoot the damn thing."

Valkyrie frowned at him. "Do you think the other cows—"

It mooed, poking its head through the fence.

Valkyrie reached out to pet it—just on the neck or ear or something—and the tongue wrapped around her wrist and yanked her forward.

Skulduggery's gun went off, and the tongue loosened as the cow fell to the ground. Valkyrie rubbed her wrist, scowling at the dead, baby cow. Thing had tried to eat her, the bloody thing. Deserved to get shot, if you asked her.

"Killer babies," Skulduggery repeated, standing. "We'll get the other one to the road, then come back for this one."

They resumed the dragging of the other monster, Valkyrie feeling a little guilty about the whole dead-baby-cow thing.

"So, if you weren't talking to yourself..."

Skulduggery tilted his head. "Are we still on about this?"

Valkyrie shrugged, smiling.

Skulduggery hesitated. "I was talking to my gun."

"Your... gun?"

"It was a good shot."

"Yes, but your gun had nothing to do with that. That was all you. You shot the monster."

"Well, yes," Skulduggery mumbled, "but she did a good job."

"She?" Valkyrie felt her grin growing. "Oh, Skulduggery, did you name your guns? Who did you name them after? Me?"

He laughed. "Why would I name my guns after you?"

"Because I'm cool. Stop laughing."

"I'm sorry, I'm still hung up on the fact that you thought my girls would be named after you."

Valkyrie allowed herself a good pout for a minute. "Did you name the Bentley?"

"No."

"You did, didn't you?"

"There's a cow stalking us."

"You did."

"Shut up," he grumbled, pulling out his gun and aiming at something behind her.