Her final moments

Chapter 2

Why does it have to be me? Why did I have to have cancer and be dying? I wish things were how they were when we first moved in together and everything was great. Stupid cancer, if only it didn't exist.

Throughout the journey home, I kept trying to say something but I knew that if I replied or started a conversation, I would end up crying. The only thing I want at the moment is to be strong and hold myself together. As soon as I got in though, I knew I could keep it in so I ran to my room and let it all out. Charlotte didn't come after me and I appreciated that a lot. This is the one time I can let it out but after about fifteen minutes of crying I seem to stop. The numbness returns and I am grateful for it. Being numb makes it easier to hide any pain buried underneath and means I can face others. As I leave my room, I'm greeted by my sister standing outside with a coffee and box of tissues. I thank her for them and walk into the living room and sit down in silence. Charlotte doesn't try to make a conversation and it means a lot. On the other hand I wish she would so she can distract me from the thoughts spiralling in my head.

...

I don't know what to do. Never have I seen her this broken. Of course I would expect it but I wish I knew how to help or anything really. I've left her alone to cry and that was heart breaking, but I think I prefer the crying to the silence and lack of emotion. I'm just staring at her whilst she gazes outside the window at the trees and up to birds in the sky. She has a longing look on her face as if she wants to join them and be free from the life she has now. Honestly I don't blame her. Why do the best people have to suffer the most? Life is just cruel and unfair.

"Shall I make a start on dinner then?" I ask her. I see a slight nod of her head so go into the kitchen and start cooking. After I get there, I realise we've been so caught up in things that we have no food so I end up ordering a pizza. During the wait we sat in silence again. I don't know what to say to her. I'm not used to this silent Sophie. Normally she is full of life and nothing can bring her down. I know that she has just found out she is going to die soon and she has every right to be silent and thinking and upset, but I just wish I knew how to handle it.

When then pizza finally arrives, neither of us have an appetite so we end up going to bed. We go to our separate rooms and, even though there's only a wall separating us, she feels too far away. I think about all the memories we have, good and bad, as I slip into a dreamless sleep.

...

When I wake up, the first thing I do is recap the events of the previous day. It's really going to happen. I'm really going to die. Like yesterday, I feel no pain just a continuous numbness. However, today, I'm determined to not let it get in the way of my final weeks. Today I'm going to be strong and make the most of my time left.

In the kitchen, Charlotte was sitting at the table, drinking coffee and looking like she slept worse than me. I wondered what ideas she had to do today so I asked her. "What shall we do today?" "I'm not sure, whatever you want to do." I wasn't sure how to answer this so I sat there for a moment whilst thinking. "Let's go to the beach!" "What? Why do you want to go to the beach in the middle of March?" "Because it has some of our best memories there and I want to go there one last time." I saw her flinch as I said this. It's as if she doesn't want to accept the fact that it's going to happen soon. "Fine come on then. Let's get ready and then I'll meet you in the car. I'll drive." As soon as she said this I ran to get dressed, thinking about what the beach will be like.

After our parents died, we used to go to go to the beach almost every day together. It was our only place to go to escape the harsh truth of life for a few hours or so, before the reality came crashing down on us. That's probably why I thought it would be a good idea, to escape once again from the dark cloud looming over us.

The journey was short and there was no traffic so we arrived in around twenty minutes. As it is March the wind was strong and there was a definite chill. Charlotte's hair covered her face due to the wind, so I couldn't see her expression. Memories from my childhood came flooding back and hit me in waves crashing into me, taking my breath away. Next to me, Charlotte is trembling as she tries to keep in the pain she's feeling from this. Maybe this wasn't the best of ideas.