The Summer Triangle

Prologue

I check my phone right before I get ready to leave. Ryan says he's happy to see me again, and it brings a smile to my face to see his message, but the gaping in my stomach immediately returns, swallowing the butterflies, like they'd never been there in the first place.

My heart feels heavy as I make my way downstairs, every step draining me. Suddenly, I wish I could just stay here, even though I really want to see him.

All these uncertainties make me feel so helpless.

"Alright, I'm heading out," I tell dad as I enter the living room. He's sitting in his armchair, wearing the ugliest Birkenstocks known to man, nose buried in a book. It's a different one than what he was reading two days ago.

I admire him for that, always have.

He looks up at me as he hears my voice, closing the book with a finger placed in-between the pages so that he'll be able to find where he left off later. Somehow, neither mom nor dad ever bothered to buy bookmarks; I'm the only one who has them. Perhaps it's because they get through a book twice as fast as any regular human being.

Dad readjusts his glasses and gives me a smile. "To Ryan's?"

The name makes my body go hot and cold at the same time, and I pray that my face doesn't betray me.

"Yep," I respond. "He's helping me with my science prep."

At least I'm not lying this time.

"Do you want me to drive you?" he asks me, but I shake my head. I feel so ashamed, so guilty for it all that I don't want him to take me to Ryan's, that I would rather take half an hour longer to get there than to ask my dad for help.

He shrugs, but he's still smiling nonetheless. "Alright, safe travels!" Then, he opens his book and continues reading, eyes glued to the pages.

For a moment, I stand there, contemplating, looking around as though I'm looking for something so that he won't ask why I don't get going already. If only I tell him... maybe he'll understand. Maybe I could change the story a little... maybe, if I don't make it too obvious what I'm talking about... Parents should support their kid in situations like these, no? Personal anecdotes, 'they grow up so fast,' that's how it's supposed to be, right? He deserves to know about all the awful things I did behind their backs when he and Mom were on holiday.

I open my mouth, almost ready to say something, when suddenly, the pained expression that hasn't left Jamie's eyes even after all these years flashes before me, and I can't help but think of the ashamed look on Mikey's face when he pretended that he didn't know who I am, that I was mistaking him for someone else.

A rush of adrenaline and fear hits me, and I immediately close my mouth again, feeling the heat on my face and the shiver run down my back.

I can't tell him.

I just can't.

He looks up at me again, an eyebrow raised. "You alright there?" he asks.

"Yeah, I'm good," I say, but my voice sounds shaky, and at this point I'm sure that he knows something is up. I try to make up an excuse on the spot, but that's not something I've ever been particularly good at, so I mumble something about how stressful the upcoming exams are and then turn around to take my leave.

Dad doesn't seem entirely convinced by my awful attempt at lying, but he doesn't look too concerned either as he resumes his reading session.

I feel ashamed as I walk to the bus stop, and I scold myself the entire ride through.

I'm such a coward, too scared, unable to come clean about all of this.

I wish I could.

But I also don't want to end up like Jamie.