I Did This To Me (Justin Bieber)

Chapter One: Jesika

Dear Journal,

Sometimes I wonder if I'm ever going to be okay again. Like really okay. I wonder if things will ever go back to the way they were before that day. I'm not sure if I am even capable of feeling like that again.

May 20, 2011 ; Jesika Williams

I got home from a long and hot day at school. I'm surprised not many people ever notice me in my sweatshirt while everyone else is wearing shorts and tank tops. My friends, Hali and Kayden ask, but I never answer. Its easier that way. Everyone else leaves me alone now that I'm "that girl who's father died". They don't know what really happened. They don't know it's my fault.

My brother is right behind me as I walk through the door into my house. "Tyson, Jesika, is that you?" Mom hollers from the kitchen. I'm already walking that way before Ty even responds.

"Yeah, its us Mom." Tyson yells back.

"I need to talk to you guys." I hear as we both walk into the kitchen. "What would you guys think about moving to Canada?"

"What?" Tyson practically yelled at my mom. I just shrugged, not really caring. "Why would we go there?"

"Well theres an opening for a really good job there. And theres a nice house in a good neighborhood." Obviously what she wasn't saying was she hopes it would be good for me. "Tyson, just think about it." My mom finished. Tyson looked at me then back to mom. He realized what Mom was trying to say too.

Rolling his eyes, he sighed, "When do we leave?" He was on board. Mom could move us around as much as she wanted, it wasn't going to make me forget the truth. No matter how far away we were from here, I'd always remember the day I killed my Dad.

"When you guys are out of school." 

"So we should start packing." Tyson crossed his legs and leaned against the doorframe. Mom nodded, Ty turned on his heel, and I went to my room.

You know how people say silence is a bad thing? I like the silence. Since that day when I killed my dad, I haven't listened to music if I could help it. We were listening to the radio, my old favorite song, That's What You Get by Paramore, when everything happened. I hate that song now. I just sit in silence in my room everyday doing homework or whatever else I can find. I write a lot now too, it takes my mind off of everything. It was hard to cope after everything, and I figured if I couldn't talk to anyone, I had to let my feelings out somehow. The ways I had started with scared Mom and Ty when they caught me. They didn't understand how bad I felt. So I started writing to cope with that too.

Tyson walked by and threw some boxes in my room. "Start packing up what you don't use often." He walked away, down the hall to his room. I could hear his music coming into my room as soon as he turned his stereo on, so I went and shut my door.

Silence. 

By the end of the month, my room was about empty. I told Hali and Kayden I was leaving and we said our goodbyes. At the end of June, all of our stuff was packed into a big truck being driven to Stratford, Ontario, our new home. Mom, Ty, and I were following the moving truck in our car all the way there. I was on and off sleeping. We stopped three times so mom and the guys in the moving truck could sleep. It took us 6 days to get to Ontario from the stops.

When we got to our new house, the two moving guys helped us carry everything in after we chose rooms. It was a two story house. Upstairs it was my room, Tyson's room, a bathroom, and an extra room. My room had a balcony off it, Ty's had a ledge. Mom's room was downstairs with the living room, kitchen/dining room, study, a room she used as her work room, and another bathroom. The movers brought in all the furniture first and put it in the right rooms for us.

I was going out on my fifth or sixth trip to get more boxes to bring inside when I noticed four boys. Tyson came up behind me and nudged me. "I bet one of them, at least, is our neighbor. Don't you want to introduce yourself?" Tyson joked with me. He knew I wouldn't want to, so I just raised my eyes at him. He laughed and the four boys looked over at us. I hid myself behind my bangs and grabbed another box. "Come on Jes, they are waving, wave back."

"You wave back." I scoffed and carried the box inside.

By the time I came back out, Tyson was with the four boys. "Jesika, will you go tell your brother he needs to come help?" It was stated as a question, but I know Mom enough and that was an order. I pulled the hood up on my sweatshirt, and walked over. I noticed the boys were Justin Bieber and his friends, Hali liked him and constantly talked about him and his music. I, on the other hand, could care less. He was just some boy to me.

"Ty, Mom wants you to come help." I told him.

"Could you use more help too?" One of the unnamed friends asked. I just turned and walked away from them.

"She just didn't notice that you're Justin Bieber!" Tyson yelled after me.

"I noticed. I just don't care." I shrugged, speaking over my shoulder. I walked back over to the moving truck to grab another box while the boys oohed.

_______________________________________________________________

On the side bar is how I pictured Jesika

Any clothes and stuff will be in my "I Did This To Me" Collection on my polyvore (: livenlove1.polyvore.com