Trigger - Part 2

CHAPTER 18 - Everything I could have hoped for

"You do understand that neither Liam or I will ever be able to just be your friend. I agreed to your request because I actually fucking love you Sage and I don't want to hurt you or see you hurt. And I can see by you having to make a decision is what is hurting you, but. It is hurting us too by you not making a decision. We can't be held on a string. Eventually you will have to set one of us free. And I think the day your memories return will be the day your heart truly tells you what it wants. Or who. But like I said, for now I will be a friend. But you need to know that I will always love you more than just a friend. And to be honest, the same goes for Liam. He just shows it differently."

Shane stands up and walks closer to me. He sighs and quickly leans forward and kisses me on my forehead, lingering for a little. "Because we love you, we will wait. I'll get the doctor to sign the discharge form," He speaks against my forehead and quickly walks out the door.

I quickly wipe a tear busy making its way down my cheek.

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"Come on in!" Dr. Brooks stands to the side and lowers her hand down gesturing me in.
"How are you doing, Sage?"
"Oh I am doing okay. Thank you!" I walk in and take a seat on the big sofa in the middle of the room.
Dr. Brooks follows and sits on the opposite navy-coloured sofa.

"It's been a while hasn't it?"
"Yeah, a few weeks I think." I smile.

Dr. Brooks returns a smile and makes herself comfortable.

"So, want to jump right to it?"
"Yeah..." I nod slowly.

"So in your email you sent me you say that you feel guilty for not wanting to remember. And you feel the only reason why you have to remember is for the people around you. Want to explain what you mean by that?"

I fill my lungs.

"I don't want to remember any of it, Doctor. I feel like the day I do will be a really bad day. And I am starting to grow anxious that I'll start remembering. I just want to live my life from the point I woke up after the second accident. So many good things have happened but Shane and Liam are depending on me to remember so that I can choose who I want."

"Hm. So let's for a moment pretend you get all your memories back. What if you don't make a choice? What if you remain in your relationships just as you are now?" She fixes a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Okay? But they will be expecting me to make a choice. And plus, I'll then know how I truly feel about them."

"How do you feel about them now?"
"I... uhm... I don't think I feel the way they expect me to feel or how I felt."

"And how does this make you feel?"
"Guilty... I guess..."

"How do you think they feel when they see you and know how they feel and know that they can't act on those feelings?"

I cross my arms feeling my heartbeat elevating slightly.

"I know it is so shit and unfair of me to expect them to be friends with me but I don't want to lose any of them and I am so scared if I choose the other will go. I know it is so selfish but what must I do?" I lift my hand in frustration but quickly place it back in my lap.

"As I see it, you have placed a mental block in regaining your memories for the reasons you just mentioned. I do believe that you are very fearful, not just based on Liam and Shane. I suggest we should perhaps put a plan in place in the event your memories do come back."

"A plan as in where I don't lose my shit?"
"It will be a temporary measure to give you enough time to reach me. I will then guide you further on."

"So basically you see me as a ticking time bomb? What if they never return?"
"Sage, You have been through a lot of trauma. Our brains are very powerful and I do believe that it finds a way to repair itself. It will obviously be a lot quicker when we are willing to work on it but in your case we can take our time. The plan is just a backup so you'll know what to do when the time comes."

She has a point...

"Okay... we can work out a plan then."
"Okay then. I'll sit tonight and draft. Once I am done I'll let you know and we can go over it."

"Will you be able to email me? I know Wyatt won't mind but the office will notice."
"Wyatt?"

"My boss. I am his assistant and it will not be a good look for me to take time out again. He has this habit of pulling me ahead."
"What do you mean by pulling you ahead?"

"Well, he really likes me so he does whatever I want what he sees as necessary."
"Do you have the same feeling in return?"

"He is really nice... I mean he has everything, he is so professional, assertive, charming but..." I pause and feel my chest rise as I fiddle with my fingers in my lap.
"He deserves a woman that is much better than I could ever be."

"So it is not that you don't like him, it is because you think you are not good enough for him."
"Well yeah, and obviously Shane and Liam. Wyatt knows about my past or as much as I know and he still doesn't mind. But that just proves he deserves so much more. I... I don't know if I can be, or give him what he wants."

"Have you spoken to him about how you feel?"
I shake my head side to side slowly.

"And what if you are in fact everything he can hope for? What if you are in fact good for him." A small smile forms around her lips.

"That would be ideal... as he is obviously good for me and...  He is everything I could have hoped for."