He did it again.

Breaking that promise.

 He did it again.

Today was stressful. No real reason; everything was just pissing Coiny off. Everything felt too loud— which is odd since it can't hear well in the first place— and people kept poking him or hugging him, and he wasn't in the mood for it. He hated how it felt when people touched him. So, of course, when he got home, he locked himself in his room, plucked a razor from the bag he kept under his bed, and ripped his arm to shreds. He held his arm in front of himself, watching the blood rise to the surface and dry in real-time. He hadn't even thought about it; he just did it instinctually. He had it on the back of his mind all day. The feeling of the cold metal slicing through his skin and pulling away to reveal the crimson red beneath. He wiped some of the blood with his thumb. Not for any real reason, just because he could. It left a reddish-orange smear on his arm and orange stained between the lines of his thumbprint.

He sighs, putting the razor on the nightstand and hearing it clatter. "Fuck..." He buries his face in his hands, shutting his eyes to keep himself from crying. He felt like his self-harm was too cringe and attention-seeking already. He didn't need to cry while doing it. But the thought of Snowball finding out again made him feel devastated. Snowball wouldn't yell, no, he never yelled at him, But the last time this happened, he remembered that Snowball sighed and held his arm, and it was the gentlest he had ever felt and he was so nice about it all but he looked disappointed and told Coiny to tell him next time he felt like doing this. He can't stand to make Snowball upset. Besides, he promised to talk to Snowball instead of cutting himself next time he had the urge...

He begrudgingly swung his legs off his bed and hopped off, walking for the door. He didn't usually care enough to clean his cuts unless they reached the fat layer, but if he was going to break his promise, he might as well wash it and use bandaids.

He opens the bathroom door and shuts it behind him, locking it. Force of habit. He turned the tap to warm and held a finger under it, waiting for it to warm up. He held his arm under the water and scrubbed the dry blood off, watching the red run from his arm into the drain. He washed off the water with a towel he had left on the shower curtain rod and turned the sink off. He reached for a pack of bandaids, peeled the backs off, and placed them individually over his cuts. Sometimes he used one to cover two or three depending on how close they were. He had to use five different bandaids. "That's a lot of paper being thrown away..." He'd recycle it, but he doesn't feel like it.

He slides the lock open with a click and walks out of the bathroom, leaving the door open. Not like it needs to be closed anyway. Snowball always leaves it open.

Speaking of Snowball, he finds himself walking towards his room. He waits outside the door, hearing the buttons and joysticks of a controller pressing and clicking away forcefully. Must be a fighting game, Coiny guesses. He waits until the noise indicates a resting point before knocking on the door, gently drumming his knuckles against the wood with a tap, tap, tap. No response. He opens the door gently, peeking inside. "Snowball?" He called.

Snowball sat in his gaming chair, playing a game on his computer while wearing headphones and talking into a mic. God of War, huh? He must be talking to his friends on call. Without hearing their voices, Coiny automatically knows it's Blocky, Eraser, and Pen. Coiny steps inside, walking up behind him. "Gaming or gaying?" He asks, leaning on the table.

Snowball jumps, his chair rolling back a bit. "Coiny! What the fuck!" He hears the three guys say "Hi Coiny!" through Snowball's headphones. Called it.

"I tried knocking, but you were busy rocking." He shrugged, smiling playfully.

"...what does that even mean."

Coiny looks away. "My bad. Anyways, just dropping in to see how you're doing."

Snowball glances at Coiny's arm, noticing the bandaids. His eyes linger on the tan fabric, trailing up and down at all five of them. He turns to his computer and mutes his microphone, pausing his game and removing his headphones.

"Coiny, what happened?"

Coiny instinctively covers them, looking away in embarrassment. "I dunno. It just kind of happened... I came home really upset- not really any reason, I was just overwhelmed and stuff, and y'know, did it. Again. Sorry..."

"Hey, stop apologizing." Snowball's voice is firm as he takes Coiny's hands and pulls him into his lap. "You're fine. I'm not mad at you."

"I know... I'm just embarrassed and stuff. I hate feeling like an attention-seeker and I promised I'd talk to you next time I felt like cutting... I feel like I betrayed you." Coiny covers his face so he can't see any hint of disappointment or upsetness on Snowball's face. Coiny hates the prickling, cold feeling of shame whenever anyone looks at him the wrong way.

Snowball sighs, hugging him. "Come on, man, you're not an attention-seeker. You didn't break a promise or anything. You're talking to me right now. You're telling me how you feel. You never talk about how you feel! That's big!"

Coiny snorts, putting his hands down and looking up at him. "Yeah, I know- it's hard to know how feelings and stuff work! I can never say it out loud! Like, what does being sad even mean?!"

"Yeah, yeah, but you're getting better at it. I mean, you said it yourself; you were feeling overwhelmed earlier. Then you felt like cutting would help you feel not overwhelmed, right?"

Coiny nods. Huh. He can actually name his feelings?? Or one of them, at least. That's... interesting. He's not used to being able to do that. "Oh my mint I have emotions??"

"You've always had emotions, stupid. It came free with your fucking Xbox," he flicked Coiny's forehead.

"Ow! Okay, I know, it's just hard to name them and stuff. Like, half the time I feel nothing until I feel the most intense anger in the world crawling under my skin, and I take it out on my wall or my skin, and then after an hour I'm back to feeling nothing. It's so weird and it's stupid." Coiny leans against the arm of the chair, groaning in annoyance.

"Huh. That is weird and stupid." Snowball nods, looking puzzled. "I dunno, man. You got weird brain. But hey, you're talking about it, you're making progress."

"True... I guess." Coiny bites the inside of his mouth, thinking.

"Well, I'm gonna get back to this." He puts his headphones back and unmutes his mic, unpausing the game. "Sorry, had to take my boyfriend on a walk," he tells them.

"I chased a squirrel!" Coiny adds. "Snowball you suck at this game."

"Shut up."