Memoirs of a Modern Elf: Season 1 (Modern AU)

Episode 7: The Secret Life of Amor Ayudar

Disclaimer: see story description

A few years ago, I was involved in an accident with a rabid raccoon, and it was then that I had the great joy of experiencing human medical care. There are two parts of it that I particularly dislike; putting things into your system via needles, and taking things out of your system via needles. Unfortunately, even the non-human medical community has found no good alternative for either.
Speaking of which, Dr. Eruyt had just given me a vaccine for some malady that I still can't remember the name of. Fran Eruyt is a viera, which means that she's well over six feet tall and has a nice pair of fluffy rabbit ears.
"Everything looks great here, Tari," she said. "Just head up to the fourth floor for your bloodwork and you'll be good to go."
"Oh joy, I get to be punctured and drained!" I said with mock cheerfulness.
"They did send you an apology after last time," Legolas reminded me. The 'last time' in question involved a unicorn lab technician trying to be precise with a needle. It didn't end well.
"We found something else for her to do," Dr. Eruyt said. "Now all lab techs are required to have opposable thumbs. But look at the bright side; you've survived six months. Soon you'll be free of us!" She was looking at me over her shoulder as she said this, which caused her to smack her head on the doorframe as she left the room. That bit of amusement made me considerably happier.
Legolas and I made our way to the elevator, only to find a sign that read, 'Unless you are dead or otherwise incapacitated, please use the stairs. Thank you for your cooperation!'
We had to go up three floors to reach our destination. To make things even more fun, the third floor had high ceilings (meaning even more stairs). When we finally got to the lab, some sort of alien was asking the lab tech, who was fortunately an Elf, where she could find some Oreos.
"Sorry, the Oreos are only for patients," the technician said. "There's a guy selling bags of sugar in the lobby, though."
After the alien left, I collapsed into the tech's chair, a bit out of breath. "Was there a sign on the elevator?" she asked. "Sorry about that. We have a fairy in the psych ward who keeps putting those up."
While the tech was rummaging in a drawer for some vials, I glanced toward the hallway and saw a blonde woman with glasses and a predatory look about her.
I elbowed Legolas with my arm that wasn't getting stuck with a needle. "Isn't that Link and Zelda's counselor?"
He narrowed his eyes for a moment and then nodded. "Amor Ayudar? I think so, but what would she be doing here?"
On our way out, we watched her for a minute. She waved to a patient in a full body cast who was being wheeled away on a gurney. "Goodbye, darling! Don't forget to drink lots of goat milk!"
A nurse poked her head out of a room and called, "Dr. Ayudar, we need you for this spleen transplant."
"Coming!" she called, trotting away down the hall.
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"I'm not even sure if she has any medical training," I said, tossing several packs of raw meat into a grocery cart. We had stopped at the store on the way home to get some food for Jonathan.
"There must be a good reason that they hired her," Legolas replied. "After all, I think the only couple she counseled was Link and Zelda."
"It just seems...weird." I happened to glance at the cart as we approached the checkout line and noticed at least ten cases of diapers and baby wipes. "Legolas, you do realize that you've stockpiled plenty of diapers and wipes at home," I said with an amused smile. "We don't even need them yet."
He shrugged. "It can't hurt to be prepared."
"Fair enough."
After we had finished paying, Legolas glanced back at the cashier and said to me, "That was the best look of suspicion I have ever seen."
"What did you expect? All we bought was a copious amount of baby supplies and thirty pounds of raw meat."
I halted right by the exit and elbowed Legolas again. "Look at that."
Hanging on the wall was a list of employees and their pictures, the newest of which was none other than Amor Ayudar.
"That is a bit strange," Legolas said, studying the picture closely. "Maybe the doctor thing is a hobby."
Our next stop was at Sears Auto to pick up Legolas' car, which had been in for repairs. "Do you want to come in with me?" he asked when we pulled onto the lot.
"Sure."
"It's still not done?" Legolas was saying to the guy at the front desk.
"Nope, sorry," the man answered. "The damage was pretty extensive. What did you say happened to it?"
"One of my cousin's chickens escaped the house, so she stole my car to chase it and didn't exactly use the roads. Oh, and then she accidentally drove it into the river."
"Wow. Well, we're also training a new employee right now, a counselor from out of town, so we're a little distracted right now."
I glanced at the schedule on a nearby desk. Sure enough, Amor Ayudar's name was present.
After dinner that night, I was trying to figure out why a relationship advisor was suddenly a doctor, a grocery store employee and a mechanic. I was in the middle of another unlikely scenario when Legolas reached out and gently took my hands to stop my frenzied gesturing.
"Don't worry about it, sweetheart. You don't need any more stress than is necessary."
I sighed deeply. "I know."
He smiled and said, "I was going to play Beasts of Prey with Link. Do you want to join us?"
That immediately cheered me up. "You had to ask?"
A few minutes later, the three of us were having a bit of a territory dispute with our neighborhood tyrannosaurus, for which we were woefully unprepared.
"I thought we had better weaponry than stone axes," I said, hiding on top of our small shelter.
"We did," Link said over the headset, "but I had it all with me when I got attacked by a bunch of velociraptors, so I lost it."
"So, how did the interview go yesterday?" Legolas asked.
"Ah, not so good," Link answered. "They gave the job to someone else."
I stopped for a moment. "Link, that interview was at the medical center, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
"And you had one at the grocery store last week."
"Uh huh, and one at Sears Auto before that. There were some others, but they all picked somebody else."
"Link, you should stop going to your counseling sessions."
"Why?"
"Because I'm pretty sure that Amor Ayudar has been taking those jobs from you. You and Zelda are her only clients, and she needs to keep you out of work so you'll keep coming back."
"I guess it's worth a try."
"Look out," I warned, seeing another angry carnivore approaching.
"Where? I can't see it," said Link.
"It's over by the rock that looks kind of like mashed potatoes," I told Link.
"Uh...I just fell in the lake and lost all our stuff."
"Link!"