Memoirs of a Modern Elf: Season 1 (Modern AU)

Episode 2: The Chronicles of Noun

Disclaimer: see story description

If there's one thing I dislike more than having my head attacked by a chicken, it's being awakened at a ridiculously late hour by loud music.
"Ugh..." I groaned as I was jarred into consciousness by bass pulsing through the floor. "I hope this is just a bad dream." I grabbed the clock on the nightstand, which read 4:30. A.M.
Legolas lifted his head and blinked sleepily. "Is that the William Tell Overture?" he asked, yawning.
"I have no idea," I said, dragging myself out of bed. "But I'm going to destroy the source."
I followed the racket to the basement, where I found an unusual sight.
Daenerys sat in front of her laptop (which was positioned directly under four speakers that were blaring the music), typing frantically, surrounded by empty cartons of iced coffee. Her three chickens, caffeinated beyond reason, were running madly in circles on the floor.
I turned off the TV, bringing an end to the deafening music.
"Dany, what are you doing?" I asked.
She rubbed her slightly bloodshot eyes. "Sorry, that's just my creative process."
"I don't think four in the morning is the best time for creativity," I said, gesturing at the ridiculous amount of coffee lying around.
"I know, I know." She resumed her crazed typing. "But I'm almost finished with my masterpiece."
"What is it?"
"I'm calling it 'The Chronicles of Noun.'"
I snickered. "You couldn't think of anything more descriptive?"
She shook her head. "No, because there's nothing else to describe it." Smiling a bit maniacally, she said, "It's quite a plot. It's about this girl who gets stranded on an island, meets a tribe of indigenous blue people, becomes a dragon rider, falls in love with a vampire, is forced to fight her friends by a dystopian government..."
"Sounds intriguing," I interrupted, trying not to mention how many copyright violations she was committing. "Well, I'm going back to bed. Do you think you can manage creativity without the music?"
Before Dany could answer, she passed out at her desk, snoring.
The following day, I had my friend Jessica Manor over for lunch. Everyone wants to hang out with me when they realize that I know "Queen J." I had no idea that she was an A-list actress when I met her, so it came as quite a shock when I went to see Kung Fu Bunnies and saw her onscreen with Jack Black.
Just as we were finishing our tea, Daenerys came flying up the basement stairs, a flash drive in her hand.
"It's finally finished!" she cried triumphantly. "I'll be back in a few hours; I have to go get this printed."
"A few hours?" I asked incredulously. "How long is this book?"
"I don't remember...I lost track of the pages somewhere after two thousand." She ran out the front door before anything else could be said.
Jessica laughed and shook her head. "Try not to think about how much this is going to cost you."
Later, when I was running errands with Legolas, we came across a dejected-looking Daenerys as she exited Office Max.
"Whatever happened to 'The Chronicles of Noun?'" Legolas asked, trying not to smile at the ridiculous title. Despite the fact that Dany's "creative process" had cost him some sleep, he found the whole incident very amusing.
She gave a frustrated sigh. "Their printer broke down after two hours. I thought it had finished some of it already, but it had just been spitting out blank pages."
"You can come with us to Staples," I offered.
I was amazed when Dany encountered a similar problem there. The attendant put her flash drive into his computer and started the printer, and less than five minutes later it malfunctioned and exploded rather violently.
We spent the rest of the day visiting every printing service in town, each stop yielding increasingly disastrous results. One cashier was actually ignited during a particularly bad paper jam and had to be extinguished by his manager.
Daenerys was not yet discouraged, however. We returned home, and she put her chickens to work. Viserion had to quit after two chapters when his toes cramped up, and Rhaegal gave out about an hour later. Drogon's perseverance was admirable, but he had to stop later that night. Thus, Dany was left with about eleven chapters of chicken scratch (we probably should have looked at their penmanship earlier).
Daenerys was pacing the living room frantically, trying to think of another way to print her masterpiece, when Jessica called me. She had heard about the disasters we had caused at local office stores, and claimed that she could help.
Jessica's mansion was huge, and I didn't want to consider how much it had cost her. Her printer was equally impressive; it took up an entire room.
"What do you need a printer this massive for?" I asked.
She shrugged. "Nothing, really. I just figured I should have a really nice one, just in case."
Dany inserted the flash drive and waited anxiously while Jessica started the printer. It managed about half of the title page before it set the ceiling on fire.
After that disaster was averted and we were walking home, Legolas suggested that she handwrite the book herself, since she had already managed to type it.
"Well, I guess that would work, but I would have to copy what I already typed. I don't think I could remember how the plot was supposed to be."
"It's a good thing you still have that flash drive," I mentioned.
I should've known I was tempting fate; an owl swooped down and snatched the flash drive out of Dany's hand.
She promptly fell to her knees and screamed her woes to the sky.
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I awoke suddenly and glanced at the clock. 4:30 A.M.
Legolas stirred and sat up. "What it is, Tari?"
I couldn't help but laugh. "I just had the strangest dream."