Memoirs of a Modern Elf: Season 1 (Modern AU)

Episode 5: Lord of the Bling

Disclaimer: see story description

First rule of owning a chicken: do not leave important objects within said chicken's reach.
We were in the middle of breakfast when Daenerys shouted, "No, Drogon! Don't eat that!"
The black rooster had snatched her unattended phone off the table and was trying to swallow it. I jumped at him, but he fled into the hallway.
We cornered him in the living room, where he stood on the coffee table, holding the phone in his beak. Daenerys approached him cautiously. "Don't go anywhere, Drogon...good boy...please don't eat my phone..."
Gulp.
"NO! Give it back!"
Unfortunately, I had forgotten that Jessica Manor was coming over to take back the helicopter she had let me borrow.
"Hey, Tari, I'm here to...oh."
She walked into the room and saw Legolas pinning Drogon to the floor, me prying the bird's mouth open and Daenerys with her hand down his throat.
"Is this a bad time?" she asked, looking amused.
"Got it!" Daenerys said happily, holding up her slobbery phone.
"Now it's not a bad time," I said. "Sorry you had to see that."
We were out in the backyard gassing up the helicopter when Jessica got a call.
"Hey, Doug. What? Yeah, I'm standing right beside it. Why do you ask? Oh...no, I don't think they treat lemurs at the ER. Sorry, I can't come to you, I have plans tonight. Wait, Doug...please stop crying...fine, I'll be there in an hour."
She hung up and sighed. "Well, my friend gave me three VIP passes to his new nightclub, and I was going to drop in tonight, but my other friend's pet lemur got its face shut in a door, and he wants me to go to his place in Vancouver to treat it."
I glanced at her curiously. "You know how to treat a lemur's face?"
"Yes, but it's a long story. Hey, do you three want my passes since I can't make it?"
"Wait," said Daenerys. "You mean that trendy new place downtown?"
Jessica nodded. "Yeah, it just opened last week."
Dany grinned eagerly. "In that case, yes."
Later that night, we arrived at the club.
It was quite a sight; it was a large, black building that sported a fake volcano, complete with glowing lava, perched on the roof. A big sign above the doors blazed the name "Mordor" in red neon.
The entrance was guarded by a tall, burly man that reminded me of a gorilla with the face of a baby. A bearded baby. He looked a bit conspicuous, wearing iron armor and carrying a big axe strapped to his back, made especially ridiculous by a sticker that read, "Hi, my name is Benor."
At that particular moment, a scrawny, bald kid with an arrow tattooed on his head was trying to gain entrance to the club. He attempted to walk past Benor and was stopped by the haft of the previously mentioned axe.
"Whoa there, buddy," said Benor. "Do you have a reservation?"
"Yeah, it should be for Bonzu Pippinpabalopsicobolus."
"Nope, I've got nothing here."
The kid gave an exasperated sigh. "Oh, come on! I know I have a reservation!" He tried to elbow past Benor, who easily shoved him away.
"Sorry, kid. You can't just walk into this place. Now scram, or I'll squash you like a bug."
Then some guy with an eye patch got past Benor by handing him a roll of cash.
"He just walked in!"
"No, he made a last-minute reservation. Now get out."
Then Benor saw us with our VIP passes and let us in. As I went through the doors, I heard, "They just walked in!"
To which he replied, "Seriously, kid?"
The club was a lot bigger on the inside than I would have expected. The walls and floor were made of polished obsidian lined with red lights, which snaked between the large assortment of sofas and arcade games, a dining area and an expansive dance floor.
I glanced down when something latched onto my leg. A shriveled little hobbit with a few strands of stringy hair was grinning up at me like a kid who had just met Santa Claus.
"Sméagol, what are you doing here?" Legolas asked.
"Mordor is ours, precious!" he rasped happily. "We owns it!"
"Oh," I said, a bit surprised. "So you're Jessica's friend, then."
He nodded vigorously. "Yes, precious! Nice lady with lots of money is very nice to Sméagol."
I snickered when I noticed that the hobbit was wearing a ridiculous amount of gold jewelry and a rhinestone suit that would have made Elvis proud. "You seem to be doing well for yourself."
"Sméagol loves to party! We wants everyone else to party, too." He disengaged himself from my leg. "Elfses must enjoy themselves, precious!"
He made his way over to a staircase and called to the DJ, who was Gandalf, of all people, "Sméagol is going to his office. Put on a faster song! Change the schemeses, alter the moodses! Electrify the boys and girlses, if you would be so kind, precious."
The old wizard complied and started an upbeat dance tune.
I spotted two familiar faces near the bar and said, "I'll be back, I see a couple of my friends." Daenerys headed straight for the Hydro Thunder console, and Legolas went to talk to Gandalf.
Lila Baytes, hair stylist extraordinaire, was one of my closest friends. She was making a comfortable living running a salon downtown. Mr. Spock, a Vulcan Starfleet officer, was one of her clients.
Currently, Lila and Spock were watching a man order drinks. "All right, Elsa, I need a Charging Rhino, a Chuck Norris and an Atomic Wedgie," he said, slapping some money on the counter.
"Are you sure you can handle that?" Elsa asked. I remembered her from college, where she created quite a scandal when it was revealed that her white-blonde hair was actually bleached.
"Bring it on!" he said, and was given three very unusual-looking beverages.
"Highly illogical," Spock muttered.
"What is?" Lila asked.
"Naming drinks after things that a human with any common sense would get away from with as much speed as possible."
"You can't think about it too much." She noticed me and said, "Hey, Tari. You haven't been in for a trim in a while."
"After last time? Not a chance," I laughed.
"Hey, how was I supposed to know a razor could do that?"
"I don't know, but I'm still nervous whenever you're using sharp objects."
We watched as a cyborg with four arms chased a bunch of young guys across the club, riding a lawnmower and screaming, "Yah! Death to Jedi!"
Spock raised an eyebrow. "Fascinating."
Lila chuckled. "Now, that guy I wouldn't trust with sharp objects."
A bit later I was dancing with Legolas, and we were laughing as Lila twirled past, doing some sort of interpretive dance and making her own version of the song that was playing, something along the lines of, "we're beautiful like ketchup and French fries."
"She seems nice," Legolas commented. He had only met her two or three times.
I answered, "Yes, and she's probably one of my more normal friends."
A thoughtful expression crossed Legolas' face. "What are the Trigger Twins doing now?"
"Mercenary work. And then Thunder Tristan is a weatherman who thinks he's a superhero, and Ashton moved to Mongolia and became a warlord called Ashton the Terrible. Then he quit and decided to be a surgeon."
Legolas' eyebrows raised. "That's a bit creepy. What about Waynon Prory?"
"Oh, him. He's a chainsaw-wielding serial killer who was never caught."
"Lovely. Well, at least some of your friends turned out..." He trailed off as Lila passed us again, mouthing the words "shine bright like a French fry."
"...Somewhat normal," he finished.
I laughed. "She just likes to have fun. Which reminds me, I'll have a babysitting job for her soon."
"Soon? What do you mean?" Legolas asked.
"I..." I hesitated, unsure of why I had chosen that particular moment and whether it was actually a good time to tell him, but I went for it. "Legolas, I'm pregnant," I said quietly.
He came to a sudden halt and, despite the dim lighting, I could see that his eyes were enormous and his mouth had dropped partway open in surprise. His shocked gaze lowered and he laid his hands on my belly.
"We're...we're having a baby?" he whispered. I felt his hands trembling slightly against my abdomen.
I grinned and nodded.
A cry of surprise escaped me as Legolas swept me off my feet and twirled me in a circle, laughing with delight.
I hugged him tightly around the neck, letting out a breath I hadn't realized I was holding. I had honestly been a little nervous about how he would react, but his joy washed away any concerns I might have had.
Legolas carefully set me down and graced me with a radiant smile. "How far along are you?" he asked, breathless from excitement.
I giggled as he knelt to place a kiss on my belly. "Three months."
He straightened up and slipped his arms around me, although his gaze remained squarely on my midsection. "I'm going to be a father," he mused to himself, and in the strobe light I could see tears shining in his eyes. Then, in one smooth motion, he drew me close and kissed me.
A few moments later, I dimly registered Lila's voice saying, "Seriously? That's really gross."
Legolas turned to her, beaming. "Yes?" he asked happily.
"I was going to see if you wanted to get some food, but you two are obviously busy."
"No, it's all right, we'll come," I said, smiling.
Lila turned to Spock, who had just come up beside her, and said, "You already ate. What are you going to do?"
I gestured toward the dance floor. "You should get out there and break a leg."
He looked confused. "Why would I inflict such an injury on myself?"
I rolled my eyes and handed him some cash. "Never mind. Here, go buy yourself an Atomic Wedgie."