Memoirs of a Modern Elf: Season 1 (Modern AU)

Episode 3: Of Twerps and Stewed Cabbage

Disclaimer: see story description
Chapter image credit: Sammy @n77n77

The day got off to a bad start.
We were eating breakfast when a resounding crash indicated that a dragon had just collided with the side of the house. The unfortunate result was Legolas getting hot coffee spilled in his lap.
I flung open the window and yelled, "Jonathan, how many times do I have to tell you to slow down before you trip over something?"
He stuck his head through the window. "Sorry, but I had to show you what I found in the woods."
The animal he dropped on the floor was quite easily the cutest thing I had ever seen. It was a white sphere of fluff about the size of a basketball, and its eyes took up nearly all of its face. It also had a pair of small wings that didn't look like they could support its weight.
In fact, it was so adorable that Legolas completely forgot his anguish and stared at it. "Wow. That is cute."
I managed to wrench my eyes away from the animal to look back at Jon. "What exactly is it?" I asked him.
"I have no idea. Drogon and I found it in the forest and decided to bring it here."
The large black rooster jumped onto the windowsill and clucked emphatically.
"He says we will name her Corn," Jon added.
I found my eyes involuntarily wandering back to the new pet, which flapped her wings and said, "Twerp."
"It talks?" I asked as Corn flew onto the table and surveyed the room.
"Sort of," Jon said. "I think 'twerp' is all she can say."
"We should probably return her to the wild," I said, even though the creature's sheer cuteness was telling me otherwise.
"Can't we just keep her for one day and see how it goes?" Daenerys asked.
Corn gave me a pleading expression.
I sighed and said, "Fine. Let's go to the store and find some food for her."
Dany picked Corn up and headed for the door.
"Not you." I took Corn and put her on my shoulder. "Remember what happened last time you went grocery shopping?"
"Hey, that wasn't entirely my fault, and I had no idea that a watermelon could explode. Or that the cashier was allergic to fruit."
I raised my eyebrows. "But you hit that clown with a lobster intentionally."
"It was a weird day, even for me," she said, smiling sheepishly.
"Even so, I think I'll just take Legolas."
He dropped me off at Wal-Mart and went to run some other errands, while I tried to figure out what a fluffy, flying ball of cuteness would want to eat.
Corn rode in my purse and examined the food items I offered her. She met each one with a head shake and negatively toned twerp.
Finally, we came to the canned goods section, where Corn fluttered her wings and twerped loudly.
"What?" I asked her.
She fixed her large eyes on a can of stewed cabbage.
"Gross...seriously?"
"Twerp."
"All right, if you're sure."
Fortunately, I noticed the news flash on a TV screen over the checkout before anyone spotted Corn.
The tagline was "Endangered Animal Escapes." I didn't really pay attention to it until a picture of Corn was shown.
The reporter was saying, "Cornelia van Stubenhoffer the Third has escaped from an airplane transporting her to Washington D.C. from a wildlife preserve in Hoboken. 'Corn,' as she is known to her keepers, is a twerp, an exceedingly rare species on the verge of extinction. As many of you know, this animal is of utmost importance to our nation's peace negotiations with Serbia, and there is a $1,000,000 bounty on anyone found to be harboring it."
At the phrase "$1,000,000 bounty," I ran to the bakery section and hid behind a donut rack. I glared at Corn and shoved her further into my purse. "Jon is going to be in so much trouble," I grumbled.
I was going to make a sneaky escape, but then I saw that a police squad was searching people's bags at the entrance. While I was contemplating my next move, my phone beeped.
It was a text from Legolas that read, "Waiting outside."
Corn looked up at me curiously, and then I noticed her spherical shape. Smiling at my own brilliance, I stowed her under my tunic.
Thankfully, Corn stayed still and I made it out without any trouble. Trying not to look conspicuous, I found our car and got inside.
Legolas started to say something about seeing the news report, but his gaze fell to my stomach and he trailed off.
Corn suddenly decided that she'd had enough and escaped through the neck of my shirt. Legolas chuckled and said, "I was wondering how you got out of there."
I shrugged. "It was easy, actually. But we have to get home and release Corn into the woods before someone sees her."
"Right."
Unfortunately, the FBI got there before us. And the SWAT Team.
"Great," I muttered. "Just great. What are we going to do now?"
"Sneak into the woods and wait until they clear out," Legolas said, stuffing Corn back into my shirt.
We left the car at the neighborhood entrance and made a wide circle around the house. Night had fallen by the time we were far enough into the woods that we felt safe.
I held Corn up to my face while Legolas started a fire. "You know, you're a lot more trouble than you're worth," I told her.
All three of us startled as something large jumped into our makeshift campsite, but it was just Jonathan.
"There's law enforcement everywhere," he said.
I smirked. "No kidding. Do you have any idea how they figured out that we found Corn?"
Jon looked at the ground and clawed the grass nervously.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't tell me this had something to do with you."
"I...uh...might have mentioned something about it on my blog. And I...you know, maybe...posted a picture."
"You have a blog?" Legolas and I asked simultaneously.
"Yeah, 'Journal of a Williamsburg Dragon.'"
Legolas sat down beside me. "It's not a problem. We'll just wait for them to clear out and then set Corn free." He put his arm around my shoulders and kissed me lightly, but our lips had barely touched when he was flattened by Corn.
"TWERP!!!" she shrieked furiously, jumping up and down several times before flitting over to Jon and staring at us innocently.
Legolas blinked and rubbed the back of his head. "What just happened?"
Jon spoke up, absently rolling Corn between his front feet. "Twerps dislike love or any expression of it. That's why Serbia wants one. They've had enough with public displays of affection and want twerps to keep it under control."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Google," he said dismissively.
Early the next morning, we let Corn wander off into the woods and returned home after making sure the small army of police officers had left the house.
"Well, that was certainly different," I said as I closed the door.
There was a tremendous wham. I sighed and flung the door open again, revealing a slightly dazed Jonathan.
"Yes?" I asked impatiently.
Once he had recovered, he said, "I forgot to mention, the FBI gave me a million dollars for providing information about Corn."
Legolas and I glanced at each other. "What did you do with it?" I asked cautiously.
"I used it to keep the fire lit last night." He blinked at us curiously. "Why?"