NOT DONE CRYING

Not Ready to Go

Third chapter is "not ready to go"
This will talk about the depression i faced through my life and how it changed me

I never really realized that I suffered from so much depression as a kid. I knew I was sad, but I didn't ever know why. I have always been a bit of a weird personality mix, but I think that's what makes me so interesting. I have always kind of been an introvert and relied on those around me to do what adults asked of me. What was weird though was that my parents always thought of me as an extrovert, because I could be a bit on the crazy side. I found out over time that I actually have ADHD, which kind of makes sense now, but at the same time, I never thought of me having ADHD because all of my friends that had it were not able to really control it. I usually felt more quiet and mature. I don't think that has really anything to do with ADHD but how I was raised. I also was a mix of many other traits like being super emotional. Like really anytime my momma got hurt in front of me, it made me sad and even cry occasionally. My siblings never really did this. Which I always thought was weird and got teased by them about me doing this. I remember when I was younger, I would cry about most things, mostly in private, because I was worried about what others would think. I don't really cry nowadays, and I hate it because I don't like that I bundle up all these emotions I go through every day and then not being able to release them. I think this is what causes people to just be angry when they feel most emotions because it's the only emotional response they can feel now. I relate to that a lot and tend to get angry at the little things in life and tend to lash out versus a calm conversation about how I feel. This seemed to happen a lot when I was in school because of, say, me failing a paper. I would be so upset at myself because I expected more from myself, and I know I'm smart. But I think the high expectations and standards my parents and teachers have for me as a student were soon adopted by my inner monologue. And that led to me treating myself the same way I got treated. This caused me to get depressed, which led to a spiral of failures in other regions of my life that prevented normal life behavior. I have always kind of had depression, though, regardless of what was going on, and I never really understood why because I would be super happy one minute chatting with friends, being ADHD and whatnot, and then suddenly I just would go quiet and zone out. This is what it appeared to look like to others, at least. From my perspective, I just got hit with a huge wave of almost every emotion. And this just led to me thinking like a thousand different things all at once, and then pretty much all of those led to me being sad in some way. I like to call it delayed depression, and to mostly anyone else, I'm just sad and will be okay in 20 minutes when I start to almost fake my face expressions just for normal human behavior from afar. I got really suicidal like 3 or 4 times in my life, and I think I wanted an out of it, and the most common methods people tend to choose for suicide are self-harm or taking it out on others. I found the best way for me was self-harm, and this can be almost anything, like cutting or burning yourself. I found out later on in life that I was also doing self-harm but just with different methods that were more unusual. Things like not feeding myself enough, not brushing my teeth, not taking showers, and other things like treating myself horribly in my own mind. I also would hit myself in the gut like full-on punches to my stomach, and as much as it hurt, I thought I was helping myself get stronger or some shit.