thunder » mashton

eight; regretting

❝mikey you're scaring me❞

❝I'm sorry I just , I can't seem to forget you❞

when michael was visited by calum, calum cried - a lot.

he apologised and apologised and couldn't breathe as he said that he was sorryandsorry for not being there or telling michael the truth or for letting it get this fucking bad.

and he didn't know what else to say because his best friend had lost the love of his life and he wasn't there nearly enough as he thought he should've been.

if he just told Michael the truth it may have been better than drugs and hospitals and therapy.

"it isn't you calum-"

"it is, it's me and now luke's gone and I don't know where he is and you're here and you nearly died- you nearly fucking died and left us like ashton did and it's all because I was so inconsiderate and blind to think that we could protect you and I- I-"

"what do you mean luke's gone?"

Michael sat up from the bed, looking sadly into calums eyes not caring about himself for a second because he didn't want to care.

calum looked at him and took a deep breath, calming himself down before telling mikey the story which he didn't really know himself.

"we sobered up and he, he completely broke down in the waiting room and was crying and crying and was screaming and punched a wall so hard it now has a luke's fist shape in it and god then that wasn't enough for him and he was punching himself mike and then he went to the shop over the road and bought some cigarettes and a lighter and came in smelling like he'd smoked a whole packet - wh-which im pretty sure he did theres none in the fucking box-

and then he sat with the lighter and was burning his own fucking arm mike and he was crying that no pain could ever fill the pain he was feeling in his heart because he wasn't there for you and then I can't even remember because i thought he was calm and i came here and i realised he wasn't here and i ran around everywhere and he's gone and i don't know where he is and he isn't answering his phone and fucking hell i cannot physicallybreatherightnowfuckfuckfuck"

and as calum started to shake and suffocate he collapsed to the floor and sat there hyperventilating and michael didn't know what to do because normally in this situation it was the other way round.

"cal, cal, cal okay okay shit calum look at me please look at me-"

calum looked up at a worried Michael, whilst still hyperventilating like crazy, and still shaking and still feeling like his lungs were about to collapse in his chest.

"calum i love you a lot and it'll all be okay you've got to breathe okay, inhale for 5 seconds and exhale for 3 okay? no? that not working? well shit calum i'm getting a nurse fuck fuck"

with that michael pressed the 'call nurse' button on his bed, and the second the nurse came in she rushed over to calum's side and helplessly watched her calm him down and feeling extremely guilty and awful because he couldn't do anything and that was what he was supposed to do, that's what a friend is supposed to do.

"mikey, hey don't be sad"

"how can i not be sad when the only thing i ever do for my friends is make them cry or punch walls or make them worried"

"it's my fault not yours, I left you and i'm sorry"

"sorry isn't going to bring you back, nothings ever going to bring you back"

//

when calum was calmed by the nurse, mikey apologised for not being able to help and for putting him in the situation.

"it's not your fault mike"

"but cal it is, because without me you wouldn't be having panic attacks in a hospital or even be in a hospital, i dragged you into this mess - and you're the sweetest person alive and i do not deserve you one bit and you don't - i shouldn't be your friend because of this"

cal sighed at michael, shaking his his and moving closer to him.

"mikey, if i didn't want to help you or be your friend, do you really think i'd be here still?"

michael shook his head.

"and besides, I've already lost one friend, i can't lose you too"