Silently Watching (Siglai)

Silently Watching

Author's Note:

hiya!

i'm totally procrastinating on studying for finals. i knew that once finals week comes, i won't be able to write until after. so, i decided to finish this mini siglai fic before i have to begin studying. i have 2 papers due and 2 test finals to study for. wish me luck guys lol

also, sorry for the lack of fics lately. with the combination of uni and my mental health declining, i have been spiraling. but!! i will be getting (much needed) help soon. i just have to set up an appointment with my new psychiatrist :D

anywho, i hope you enjoy reading this siglai fic!! after finals i'll return to writing fyozai fics <3

- cecilia

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tags: Mentioned Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Mentioned Dazai Osamu, Minor Dazai Osamu/Fyodor Dostoyevsky, One-Sided Fyodor Dostoyevsky/Nikolai Gogol, One-Sided Nikolai Gogol/Sigma, Pining, Love Triangles, ???, Angst, She/Her Pronouns for Sigma, Sigma is So Done, my first siglai fic lol, No Beta We Die Like Odasaku

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"I don't get it!" Nikolai ruffles his hair, almost pulling out some strands, "Why does Dos-kun even like Dazai?"

Sigma sighs as she hears Nikolai's words for the nth time in the past fifteen minutes: "I don't know Mykola, I don't know!" Sigma truly is trying to comfort her friend but it is no use. Nikolai only repeats the same sentences over and over again, despite Sigma giving the same answer time and again. "Why don't you ask him?"

Nikolai groans; he purses his lips in a frown.

"You know I can't do that Sigma!" Nikolai wails.

"And why not?" Sigma sighs; she softly shakes her head.

"I can't! Because!" Nikolai whirls his hands around in one big motion. "You know! Because!"

Nikolai's frantic movements are so ineffable that Sigma only sighs once again. It's not like she isn't used to it, but, Sigma has grown tired of Nikolai's incomprehensible movements.

"No, I don't know, Mykola," she says.

Frowning, Nikolai says: "I don't want to hear Dos-kun ramble about how much he loves Dazai . . . I don't think I can handle it."

Sigma's face scrunches up as she internally grimaces at her friend's statement. She bites her inner cheek as she tries to ignore the blatant anguish in her heart. Still, that doesn't help Nikolai's case. He is in quite the predicament and Sigma could not offer any acceptable solutions. It doesn't matter anyway, Nikolai will ask her the same questions intermittently regardless if Sigma can not provide a shiny new answer.

"That's quite troubling, isn't it?" Sigma says. "Wanting to know the answer from someone who is not involved but also not wanting to hear the one you love talk about someone they love . . . That is definitely troubling."

As melancholy as ever, Sigma offers a smile, albeit, one void of happiness. Yet, Nikolai always fails to realize it. Even now, he is far too wrapped up in agony from imagining all the different scenarios of why Fyodor could love someone like Dazai.

"What's so special about him anyway?" Nikolai asks again, much to Sigma's disappointment. "I would be a much better lover for Dos-kun than Dazai ever could! I understand Dos-kun so much better than Dazai too!"

"Yeah . . . I'm sure you do," Sigma's eyes tremble; she bites her inner cheek harder, "Maybe you should move on?"

Nikolai's eyes widen; his sporadic outbursts of anger and hopelessness momentarily stop. He stares at Sigma without saying a word. Sigma squirms in her seat as the silence is vehement and ghastly deafening.

"How am I supposed to get over a ten-year crush so quickly?" Nikolai says in a small voice, almost like he doesn't want to be heard. His brows furrow and his face scrunches at the idea of not liking Fyodor anymore. "I don't think it's possible."

With ragged, erratic breaths, Sigma pitifully tries to stop her heart from clenching in pain. Sigma picks up her hot strawberry tea to drink. She takes her sweet time to eschew answering right away. Not possible...? Yeah, it isn't. Sigma sets her cup down.

"It was just a suggestion, Mykola," Sigma softly smiles, "You don't need to take it to heart."

Nikolai continues to stare at her. He doesn't open his mouth to speak for a good long minute. "What's wrong?"

Sigma halts. She blinks once, then twice, before she can process Nikolai's words.

"Nothing is wrong," Sigma says.

"No," Nikolai shakes his head a little too fast, "something is wrong. What is it?"

Sigma sighs. She contemplates what to say. It's not like she can pour her heart and soul to Nikolai without repercussions. Therefore, Sigma comes up with a misleading answer.

"I'm just tired Mykola. First, you barged into my apartment, then, you begin rambling about how much you love Fyodor and how much you hate Dazai-san," Sigma sighs; she shakes her head and puts her hands up almost like she is nonverbally saying 'what,' "So please excuse my weird behavior. I'm just tired. That's all."

Nikolai stares at her. He doesn't believe Sigma but he knows she won't answer him.

"Okay," Nikolai says at last, "If you say so."

A certain type of awkwardness fills the room. It is a feeling that has never happened between them before because Nikolai's extroverted personality always keeps the room lively. Yet, the silence is so profound.

Sigma casts her gaze to her hands. She couldn't help it. Nikolai's scrutinizing gaze makes her weary, but despite all this, her nasty habit arrives. She picks her cuticles to the point blood might trickle down her finger.

With a quick motion, "Stop that," Nikolai grabs her hands to separate them. Sigma's eyes widen as she is caught off guard. Her brain falters as Nikolai's soft hands gently hold hers. "You're going to hurt yourself."

"I–" A soft blush crosses Sigma's face; she turns her head to avoid eye contact. "I'll stop. Please let me go."

Nikolai pauses for a second before nodding and letting go.

Then the awkward air returns. Sigma isn't sure how to relieve the agonizing atmosphere, but, Nikolai's extravagant animated personality (sort of) saves the day.

"I don't get it!" Nikolai wails. "Why does Dos-kun even like Dazai?"

Sigma sighs and doesn't answer. She only listens to Nikolai's whining because she has no idea how to respond. She has already given Nikolai an answer to his multitude of questions. There is nothing more she can give. Sigma sighs again.

Her soft but sad eyes linger on Nikolai longer than she would have liked. She watches as Nikolai's braided silver hair sways as he moves, as his blue-grey and emerald eyes glisten with frustration. Sigma bites her inner cheek as she questions why she doesn't hate the child-like man in front of her. Nikolai can be so infuriating with his animated personality. He is chaotic and loud. He is normally someone Sigma would avoid. Yet, she can not keep her eyes off him.

Sigma unconsciously picks at her cuticles again. She tears her mind apart as there is nothing she can do but silently watch Nikolai lovingly gush over Fyodor.

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Author's Note:

thank you so much for reading!!

as always, all votes, comments, and saves are much appreciated!!

for those who are in the midst or starting finals, good luck!! you've got this!! and to those who have finished, congratulations!! you made it!! <3

i hope you have a wonderful rest of your day/night!!

- cecilia