So. I just wanted to make this a chapter to be really really personally because honestly it's something that I need to say and been bugging me.
As a kid. I never really fit in with a lot of people, when my peers played outside in their own games especially sports involving soccer. I stayed near my parents picking at the flowers instead. When I was being consulted in Sunday Churches the kids played their own games while I stayed under the slide drawing.
No one ever came up to me holding out their hand for me to take. Not once...and when I grew up I kinda worked as a loner, I'm not someone you'd expect to have a big relationship with someone or have different people constantly giving me notifications or a friend at my door. I stopped having friends when I moved away from my childhood town and I couldn't really socialize that much anymore. I still pick up on social cues and regardless try and seem as a decent person for others.
Even now. It's never bothered me because I thought "maybe the world will change when I grow up." Maybe I'll connect with someone, and now as the years have gone by. It's gotten worse I feel, I think people nowadays are just irritating and frustrating. Making me wanna stray away from them as much as I can, especially with their point of views that just stay on fighting and multiple controversy fixating on every flaw of a person. Regarding if they support a certain movement or fit in with trends and if they don't they're a piece of shit person or a lowlife, or don't stay in the customs of nowadays.
I've never been a political person myself, when I see something dumb or a point of view that's wrong I call it out and stray away from people like that. I've never been a woke person and I definitely don't believe of having men regardless of sexuality to invade woman's spaces, I think all lives matter, I don't believe in cultural race theory because why should a skin color define if we as humans who crave a connection divide us? Isn't that what we stopped as a generation. And I believe the logic of a lot of woke people is just going backwards. I'm not a conservative.
I'm not of right or left...I find on common sense and common sense, people may not find that makes sense that's okay.
But the world in my opinion has turned into a political debate...you cannot be friends with somebody or even in a category if you or don't fit in a category. And your views on freedom or judgement depending on someone's views. Your put on trial (metaphorically) I see so much people my age finding their own peace and having to talk to so many people. While I sit in an empty room either, crafting, drawing, paining, listening to music, or making new stories. Some stories I'd love and someday to tell to somebody, romantic or platonic..I realized this during 2021-2022. That relationships and even friendships don't ever and I mean ever last long anymore..that for a time I felt pressured to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't who I imagined to really love..because if friendship ends quicker why not be in a relationship to make it last longer, but I felt hypnotized. And it became normal for me for so long I forgot what I did it all for.
Me.
I forgot about myself and my last relationship I had molded myself so much to like the things they liked I forgot what it was to find my own shows and own interests without an influence. Not saying it's bad to watch a show that's your partners favorite, but if your forcing yourself to hyper fixate on a certain drink..movie, show, like hobby based on a person. That's different and that's what I did. I forgot what made me happy..and I felt if they knew the person I was. I would be hated.
I forgot my favorite color, I forgot my favorite flower, I forgot what dreams I used to peruse and..after they broke my heart really bad...I felt confused, troubled and maybe a bit insane.
Metaphorically 💀.
I didn't know what to do. I was like a book that got erased from all of its story and chapters and was just a blank book...nothing else.
But slowly through time I started to write it myself.
I am in a better place, took me a while especially since I believe they were going to be my endgame..especially with all their stupid words of encouragement and the forevers they promised, saying "no matter what happens I will always love you" only to find out they were a lying snake and probably watched a bunch of romance movies and pasted and copied their words onto my sorry brain.
But every now and then. I like my loneliness, I don't pick on anyone. I hate seeing people in pain..which stands for what I believe in. And as a kid I always strived to be "the best friend everyone would know" boy did that end fast... but sometimes. As another human we all just need a little company sometimes right? Which is why I ask...
When's it my turn?
When's it my turn to have a happy ending. Not lonely, even if it's a friendship boy or girl or between. I wouldn't care...I would hold their hand and tell them it would be okay when the skies are gray. No matter how drowned I am in the water. I wouldn't bat an eye. And that's how I've always been. And I won't call myself perfect...I've made mistakes, again and time again...and I learn from them. Or I try to, because there's a person in my life that reminds me on who NOT to be. As a negative model you could say. I look back at my now enemies and they become my negative model, someone who I strive to not be. I think everyone needs one of them and of course a positive model!! But also stick true to yourself.
And it's okay if you don't believe in the same things as another person that's alright. If your not a left or right that's okay too. Left? That's alright, right? What's the difference your a human too? At the end of the day we all bleed the same color...red. I don't think I've ever seen a person bleed blue, although that would be cool to have in the next generation of humans. And it could be I don't know instead of smelling like coins. Jolly rancher BLUE BERRY FLAVOR!- but if that's the case I'd think we'd all be cannibals. In our next lifetime I hope that's not the case and it's just a funny thought.
Sorry I'm weird.
Anyways.
What was I saying...
Oh yeah.
Regardless of a next time or a next life. I'm tired of waiting...I've waited and given patience, and I'm tired of being lonely..sometimes I enjoy the loneliness but...just as another person next to us. Or afar, we all get those sappy sad moments. Or want to laugh a bit, a joke that's not coming from us. And how would I describe it? Maybe a bit of a Beast Boy and raven! I would love to have my own bundle of energy even when I can't preserve it myself...and even when I wanna suffer in bed ALL DAY...there would be someone to pull me out of despair and force me to see the sunlight. An Cheshire Cat and a mad hatter. Both as cooky and weird and less sane than others. (In the Alice in wonderland context NOT A INSANE MICHEAL MYERS KINDA PERSON-) and especially someone I'd be comfy with. I'd accept their flaws in and out and hopefully they would except mine because no one...no one is perfect. If I'm not perfect who am I to judge?
And yet sometimes I enjoy the quietness of being in my own world...but sometimes.
Just sometimes.
I'd like to share that weird world with another person one day. You just gotta keep dreaming right?
Right.
