REFLECTIONS

Chapter 6

2019

Today is like any other day of the week, with the same normal routine. I wake up to the sound of an alarm that I set the night before. Wipe my crust filled eye lids and wiggle myself out of my all so cozy bed. My feet dragging to the closet door. When I open it, the hinges make an annoying squeaking sound. At this point, I'm used to the sound and push it off as a normal part of my life.

I brush my hands through the various blouses and t-shirts and select a red plaid crop top. Then, I chose a pair of dark high-waisted skinny jeans that are below the shirt I picked out. I close the door behind me and grab a black tank top to wear underneath the plaid shirt.

When I finally got my outfit together, I step into the dark bathroom. I close the door and turn the lights on. I probably spend close to an hour here, getting dressed and fixing up my short hair. I complete the look with natural shades of eye makeup and pink lipstick. Enough for me to know it's there, but not enough for others to see.

I have never been the one to want attention. I always preferred to sit a couple of rows back in a classroom and maybe ask a few questions a semester. Everyone I meet believes that I'm shy and sort of awkward. Which I agree most of the time, but I have a million thoughts racing back and forth inside my head; making it difficult for me to speak fast enough with my thoughts. Sometimes I sound like a mess when I speak, stumbling over simple words because my lips don't match up with the words. I hide because it's easier than seeming like a wasted space. I try not to think about as much by burying it in the back of my head with other hurtful thoughts.

Music has been an emotional barrier for me. It keeps those scary thoughts far away but also helps me focus. The melodies lock my overwhelmed mind on the things that I need to be focusing on. Seems kind of obscure but it has worked for me for as long as I can remember. The weird part, is that only a specific genre works with me.

I remember the first trance track I listen to, my mind never felt so clear and my heart thumped alone with the beats. I could finally hear myself think and see the world for what it truly was. The world was a masterpiece, and I was a part of its large canvas.

The song, Saltwater by Chicane, was produced in 1999. I didn't get the pleasure of listening to the song until I was in eighth grade. My close friend at the time, introduced me to his iTunes playlist. I wasn't into some of the country and punk rock that he had on there. I must have skipped through half of it until I reached the song. The first notes pulled me in right away, and I was lost in that song for the rest of day. I replayed it so many times that night and to this day, I never got sick of hearing it. The year 2011 changed my whole outlook on life. This song refreshed my mind and trance healed my soul.

Even though, I appreciate all the trance producers who create such powerful songs, I feel that there is still a part of me missing. I'm better than I was three years ago, I've made more friends and opened myself up. Though, I still find myself longing for a different type of human touch. It would be about time. Being 23 years old and never having dated anyone seems pathetic. I even feel sorry for myself.

Maybe I'm scared of screwing up the relationship because I have no idea who I am as a person. Or I'm frightened about the intimate moments. "God I sound like an idiot!" I scream inside my head.

I check myself in the mirror before putting on brown Vans and tossing my backpack over my shoulder. Tuesday tends to be my favorite day of the week, which sounds obscure now that I'm thinking about. It gets me out of this house for a whole day, which is better than me having zero privacy when my roommates are home. Who wants that in their twenties? Not me.

Somehow my stupid ass is still living with others. It doesn't help if I'm working a minimum wage job at Starbucks. Also due to the fact that I didn't know what I wanted to do when I graduated high school. Good thing I decided on community college, otherwise I'd be swimming in dept. Again this is why I have my trance playlist on me at all times, so I don't have to remind myself.