Knives on the Train

It's a gender quality nightmare/epic dream.

My head hurts.

The bright lights of the tv screen are hurting my eyes. But I don't care. The movie is so good, awful but good.

Maybe the sound could be turned down. Or the brightness of the screen.

My dogs are barking and my phones won't stop going off with notifications from Instagram. I don't think I have the capacity to care though.

I feel like I don't have the capacity to do anything on the mental path. Just sitting here, watching what looks like a classic teen drama while my dog cuddles me.

(Next thing you know, my eyes are closed and I drift off, ignoring everything to live in my head for the night)

(Deep Breath In. Deep Breath Out

Deep Breathe In. Deep Breath Out

…Deep Breathâ€"In. Deep Breathâ€"-out)

My heat doesn't hurt anymore. The bright lights aren't so bright. I mean they are, but they're warm. It feels nice on my face. Makes me feel at peace, makes me want to smile more as I close my eyes against the warm lamp.

There's no one in the station. It looks really cool. It has those black fancy gates, like the ones in the Victorian ages. The walls are made of classic bricks but they're nice and brown. Same goes for the floors.

Everything is so slow. Even the song in my head.
"I~~ll doooo what~ever it taaaakes. I~ll make a million mistakes. I~~~ll keeeep the world saaafe and sound for youuuuuuuu"

I turn and see a train coming up. It looks so pretty. It's dark but it has small hints of various colors: rainbows, dark colors, bright colors, neon colors. I go in and sit down on nice velvet orange comforts. And just like that, the train proceeds.

I look through the window where phases of people shift through the glass. A tapping sound can be heard from my right ear so I turn my head and find multiple people sitting across from me, as well as every where else around me. They're on their computers or reading books, looking so engaged. They kinda look like people from my favorite movies.

A tap turns into tapping. And sound a voice starts to conjure up in my head.

Echoing: "I, I, I~~I don't you to feel pressuredized or anything but you look more like a girl"

"Why don't you let me call you princess?"

"Baby, are you okay? Why are you wearing hoods and shit? What about dresses or crops"

"Your just so soft"

"You were beautiful with long hair"

"Hey my friend thinks your cute, wanna date him?"

"Can we do anything else?"

"Why are you so afraid? Just be normal. Be a fucking girl for God's sake!"

"It's too much, it's too complicated. I'm just gonna stick with your original name"

It's too much. It's all too much. I clutch onto my head and lean down. Folding my legs and leaning next to the window. It was long before I started biting my lips and ripping pieces of skin off.

Suddenly, something was pushed into my skull and my limps went numb. My whole body went numb.

I could barely feel. It was just the thoughts running through my head that I could hear.

Why can't I move? Why can't I think of anything? Something to do? Why can't I just get over it and pull the knife out?

Maybe that's what I deserve. Maybe that's what I'm supposed to feel. It's not so bad. I could get used to it to not feel much. But it just doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right. But I don't know what to do. Maybe I should go back to sleep.

I close my eyes. I don't even care of the liquid falling from my head. I'm just sleep and wake up to move on from this silly nightmare.

I may not be able to feel it but I'm pretty sure I can hear the set of knives crushing into my head with every thought that comes through.

(Deep Breathe In. Deep Breath Out

Deep. Breathe. In. Deep Breath Out

Deep-)

Wait the pain stopped. I can feel-ish. I lifted my hand to feel nothing in my head. It's messy but nothing sticking out.

I slowly look up to see the one who pulled out the knives. My partner. My best friend.

My…light? I don't know but it's more of the one who kept me anchored through my spiraling.

*Gasp* My anchor, they're my anchor.

I looked back at the window and saw the train had stopped at somewhere bright. My friend looked at my and held out their hand. I took it and we slowly walked out to see a colorful station of light. There were so much people and they said so many things that my ears needed to here:

"Hey it's cool to meet you. You look good"

"Hey man, your allowed to be what you want"

"You're more of prince than a princess. A strong one"

"You deal with so much shit. You're so fucking strong. It's insane"

"I like your short hair. It looks nice one you"

My best friend turned her head towards me and said with a warm smile: "welcome to the other side".

(And then, I shot up from my bed, panting at the sudden awakening before calming down. I looked at my phone and saw only a few notifications had appeared. It was only 5 in the morning. With that being said. I just silently groaned and fell back into my pillow. I looked up at my pride poster and gave a brief smile before turning to my side to head back into my epic dreamland once again)