Yeein' On That 'Haw

Private Property

 Remember that old movie from the late 90s about those weird film students who wandered into the woods like idiots looking for a witch? And the two guys totally took advantage of that to kill that girl dead? I think it was 'the blunt witch project' or something like that. That's probably not it. That sounds like a sketchy old lady weed dealer. Blunt Witch. Maybe once I finally retire to the middle of bumfuck nowhere and wind up living in an alley somewhere I should start a weed-dealing business and call it Blunt Witch. Man, local businesses should hire me.

Well, maybe if I wasn't in the middle of the goddamn woods like those weird film students I would have had a better chance at getting hired for my clearly genius business ideas. It was kinda gross in the woods. I kept getting bitten by mosquitos. It was wet and sticky everywhere I went! Even the bush I dove into after seeing a grasshopper was moist!

The mosquitos would probably have been less of a problem if it was fall or winter. But no, of course I had to go bigfoot-hunting at the beginning of spring, when the mosquitos were actively making more mosquitos. Don't ask why I have an in-depth knowledge of when mosquitos fuck, you pick things up over the years.

Microscopic mating aside, I was in the middle of the woods and I felt like I was going in circles. I kept seeing the same weirdly pink trees everywhere I went. Now that I think about it, why was the foliage around there pink? Maybe because they hadn't shed their Valentine's Day decorations yet. Whatever, not my problem. But yeah, I was absolutely going in circles. I know that because someone carved the word 'crungus' into a tree and I kept seeing it. Unless Little Billy was following me and carving the word 'crungus' into all of the trees while my back was turned.

...Now that I think about it, that was definitely a possibility. Pint-sized prick.

I had hardly noticed what time it was. The sun had just begun to set, casting a golden hue onto my surroundings. Once I did notice the time, I heaved an exasperated sigh. I would have to sleep in the woods again. Last time wasn't fun. I still have the swan bite scars. I can't believe they found me all the way out there... vengeful bastards.

But there was no way I was getting back to town before nightfall at this rate. I had already been lost for hours, and it didn't seem like I was making any progress. So I chose a different direction other than the one I had been walking in for hours straight to see if I could find a suitable clearing to hunker down for the night in. I probably passed like seven suitable clearings, but I was completely spaced out, if I'm being honest.

The sun had sunk low in the sky before I finally snapped out of my half-conscious haze. There was a brief flicker of yellow in my vision. Civilization! Or a nuclear power plant. It was one of the two. I'd take anything at this point.

I charged through the thinning trees, and when I finally breached the treeline, I was immensely disappointed. The yellow I saw was nothing more than a caution sign. Several caution signs, actually. Most bearing threatening warnings such as 'I shoot on sight' and 'stay away.' One was just a mediocre drawing of a piss-yellow shotgun plastered onto a tree.

But there, amidst the slew of warning signs, was my saving grace. A shack. Hell yeah. The thing was covered in moss and mold and was probably infested with raccoons. It also had menacing, apocalypse-esque scrawlings along the walls and ceilings. One that stood out to me was 'many eyes, always watching.' People didn't have eyes here– c'mon, mysterious sign-writer, get a grip. We have optical sensors here.

I shrugged. Hey, how bad could it be? This shack had probably been abandoned for decades now. There may have even been pre-dialup relics buried in there! I wasn't gonna pass that up.