I can't help but think about Enise the rest of the day - how she didn't question anything, my name, my clothes, my voice, or even my book - instead she quite actually liked them. Not only that, she also wanted to hang out with me again. The thought of her makes me smile, and then I laugh, because I feel silly. I head to bed that night with no other problems.
The cold morning sun wakes me, earlier than my alarm, as I'd forgotten to close my blinds previously and I stare into the rays, sighing. I shut off my alarms and sit in my bed, defeated already. But I have extra time to pick my outfit for the day. I think of Enise and I can't help but wonder what she'd find interesting. The silence of the room overwhelms me so I plug in my CD player and I pick out a 'The Cure' album to get me through the morning. I open the window, jamming out to Robert Smith's voice, letting the cold air in. I look out the window at the few cars that pass by, wondering of their drivers and where they're going.
I pick out an outfit which would enrage my father, a floral dress and a pair of flared jeans, paired with a warm beige cardigan, with some beautiful designs on it and a matching knitted scarf. I pair it all with my worn out pair of Doc Martens which awaits me by the front door. I messily braid my hair in two, and pick out some cute hair clips. I fix my bangs with the flat iron and put on some mascara, which makes my eyes look even bigger than they already are. I smile at my reflection in the tiny cracked mirror I own, loving how feminine I look today. I still have time left after I pack my bag, and I dance around to the music engulfing my room. I don't engage in any occult activities this morning, but I take my book with me.
I leave earlier than usual today, my parents still sleeping and I take the longer route today, enjoying the scenic look of the foggy autumn morning. I step in a couple of puddles and walk over a bed of crunchy leaves, loving the sound they make under my soles. The school looks even more depressing in this weather, a massive old building, the windows dark and wet, and the front gate open, with some kids walking in groggily. I stop for a smoke at the popular spot, not engaging with any of the few kids who are out right now. My face lights up when I see a familiar figure approaching the school, an angry fast walk, hands in pockets, seemingly annoyed at the cold, and she sees me too, smiling and hurrying her pace. I wait for her where I am.
'Alyona, morning!' she smiles, patting my shoulder. 'How are you? I love your outfit by the way! We match shoes, look.' She nudges my shoe with hers, and we do, in fact, have matching boots. I smile widely.
'That's so awesome. I'm alright, had an early morning, what about you?' I glance at her through my bangs, which I move out of my eyes with a swift motion of my head.
'I thought I was going to be late, so I hurried and now I'm a bit too early.' She laughs a little. 'But it's okay now because you're here too and I'm glad I hurried.' I smile again and she does too. I crouch down, leaning against the wall and she sits down next to me, our shoulders touching. I've to admit I can't help but feel a bit odd, not used to having someone next to me, not someone who doesn't mind being close to me, especially because we just met. We sit in silence for a while; I watch her with the corner of my eye and she seems tired. I want to ask her but something inside me stops me from opening my mouth. I hate it when this happens, it's like something is stuck in my throat and my breath stops and I can't say anything. I hate it so much and it's been such an issue for me ever since I was little, and the main reason why I barely talk to anyone.
'Do you walk to school?' She asks. I nod. 'Where do you live? Maybe we could walk together. If you want to, of course.' She rushes in with the second phrase. She's probably as lonely as I am.
'Umm… I live around the park, but on a further street, like around that gross bar all the homeless drunk people go to if you know which one I'm talking about.' She thinks for a moment but then she exclaims a long 'ooohh' as she remembers.
'Yeah I know that place!!! ….oh.. you live there?' She looks at me, disgust and worry written all over her face. I nod at her and she laughs a little. 'It's not very far from my place, I live across the park from that side. We can go together if you want to, I can come there since that place is pretty sketchy.' I smile a little.
'It's not that bad, I go by that place every day. Yeah, it's sketchy but I mean you get used to it at some point.' I pause for a moment. 'The only bad thing is that my dad goes there… he's like… really controlling and he can very much see when I go home and stuff.'
'Oh that sucks. My mom drinks too. I don't have a dad.' She's so casual about this whole thing. I look down.
'Oh… I'm sorry.'
'Nono he's not dead or anything, he's just not been here since like forever. My mom's basically a hooker, so~' She laughs at that. 'What about your mom? How is she?' She looks at me, smiling and almost hopeful to hear a good answer, which I suppose I'll give her, since it's the truth.
'She's good, she's nice. We get along, although her and my dad are going through some stuff, and a decent half of it is because of me. The other half is about him being an alcoholic.' She nods. 'Like, they're on the brink of divorce but I think she still has some hope that she can maybe fix things, although it's really a lost cause at this point and she'd be much better off without him. And so would I.'
'But what do you mean because of you? Nothing seems wrong with you, so what's his issue?'
I think about how I can answer this question. I glance at the few people around us, hoping they're not listening to us.
'Well… he… doesn't like that I'm feminine and that I "say I'm a girl" because that's not a thing and he thinks I do this for attention.'
It takes her a moment to realize what I mean by that, but then she nods understandingly.
'Is your mom alright with it?' I nod. 'Then that's what matters. Screw him and whatever dumbass beliefs he has, you do you and he shouldn't have a problem with it because it's your life, and either way he doesn't seem too implicated in it.' I smile at her. 'Honestly he's probably just jealous you're such a pretty girl, and that he's not the one who raised you into it; you raised yourself along with your mother, I suppose.' Her comment on me takes me aback a little and I can feel my face warm up. I look down and hope she's not paying attention. 'He's probably living in constant thought of how he failed to be a good enough father to you.'
'Probably.' I smile. 'Thank you, though.' She smiles back, widely. I can't help but wonder more about her family and how she can be so cheerful about certain things even so. I envy that a little, but I'm glad for her.
'My mom's also not very keen on the idea that I also like girls to be honest, so I get you. She kicked me out when I told her.'
'Oh, but what did you do then? Where did you go?'
'I have an older brother - well, half brother, who's an adult and he also has a bunch of friends so I went to him that time. I still go live either with him or his friends when certain things happen. They're like family to me.' She smiles, probably at the thought of them; I smile too.
'That must be really nice. I'm glad to hear you have someone to turn to when things get bad.'
'I really don't know what I would do without them… I don't know what I would do without many people from my life…' Her voice trails off as if she's referring to a certain someone; someone who's very dear to her and who she definitely misses. I feel like I'm invading something by thinking about this so in depth. She checks the time.
'Oh, I think we should go.' She stands up, lending me her hand to help. 'I'll see you where we met yesterday later?' I nod, smiling and we each go to class.
Time passes pretty quickly, my head being full of what she's told me, questions pestering at my brain. I want to know more about her and the people from her life, it seems so interesting. I wonder what I can ask her without seeming extremely invasive, but few questions come to mind. She's already waiting for me after the bell rings, we wave to each other and I take a seat next to her.
'How was class?' She asks me. I just shrug, not having anything interesting to report and not wanting to admit to questioning her in my head.
'What about you?' 'Oh, well, nothing interesting. I fell asleep halfway though.' I giggle. 'I dunno, I've been so tired lately and it's honestly so frustrating and it really doesn't go well with all of the work I have to do, plus the fact that I tend to move houses a lot sometimes.' She sighs.
'Is that it? Do you have trouble falling asleep?' She nods at my question.
'But it's always been that way, now it's just way worse because of stress and other issues. I also tend to get nightmares and I always end up not being able to fall back asleep after waking up from one. I can only fall asleep sometimes when I'm alone at home or when I'm with someone, or when I'm extremely exhausted. Which sucks.' She sighs.
'I get it.' I lean a bit into her. 'I also have nightmares. What are yours about?' She thinks about my question for a moment.
'People from my childhood, who hurt me and my mom… or… someone, who's very dear to me and whom I haven't seen in a couple of years… and who I miss greatly. Also just, usual night terrors, but those are whatever.' She seems thoughtful at the mention on that certain person, which makes me want to quesion her more, but I refrain from it.
That night I ponder about her life more, and I forget about my troubled one, I ignore my parents downstairs, or the pounding on my door, similar to the one in my head. And there, in the darkness of my own confinement, laying on my side I feel a little better.
