River

This morning I woke up and I felt empty. Like I'd lost something I could never get back. It's a strange feeling. And it has no reason being here.

I climb out of bed and wipe my tired eyes. I feel sweaty. I need to stop fall asleep in sweatpants and a hoodie. It gets too hot in my room. It always has.

I grab my phone and check today's weather, which includes a high of 31°F. In the spring or autumn this is cold, but compared to the freezing Vermont winters, it's not bad.

I put on black jeans and a maroon hoodie—I genuinely think I own at least 30 pullovers—and tie on dark red converse. I look into the mirror attached to my closet door, I look like I hadn't slept at all. I basically didn't.

You know, they say not to have mirrors facing your bed. Maybe that's why my life went to shit.

I hope Lilliana won't be mad at me today. I did practically kick her out yesterday evening.

I go downstairs into our kitchen. Mom is sitting at the island on her laptop. As I approach the fridge I can feel her eyes on me.

I turn around, "What..?"

"Nothing. Will Lilly be coming over later today?" She turns her attention back to her computer, tapping at the keys. I've always loved the sounds keyboards make.

"Probably. Unless she invites me over to her place."

"Mm." She continues typing. I take two frozen Eggo waffles from the fridge and pop them in the toaster oven.

I lean against the counter top and pull out my phone. Lilly texted me, hey. dunno what happened yesterday but i hope we're still good for afterschool today??? sorry if i'd said something wrong. you can come over mine if you want and snoop through all my shit lollll.

Her lack of capitalization bothers me, but other than that she didn't really do anything wrong. I respond No worries. I don't mind whose house. and tuck my phone away.

The toaster dings, announcing my waffles are done. I grab a plate from the cabinet and pull the waffles out. I pour some syrup on my plate and eat my breakfast.

"Mom?" I call her attention after loading my plate and fork into the dishwasher. I lean against the counter again.

She looks up to me and closed her laptop,
another satisfying sound I've always loved. "Yeah?"

"Do... Do you think things will normal again? Ever? I just... I don't... It's not that I want dad back, of course, but it's just lonely now... It's too quiet with... him gone." I trip over my words. Me and mom don't talk about this stuff much. Not directly. And it still feels like a fresh wound.

Mom stares back at me and sighs. "There's no way of knowing is there? But things will get better, I just know it."

"And when they don't?"

"With that attitude nothings gonna change." She says this with a weak smile. "You're already doing better. You made a friend—sort of. It's hard, and we're gonna have our lows, but it'll all work out."

School is repetitive as always. Sometimes I think the only reason all our classes switch out each semester is so we aren't going through the same endless cycle every day of each year. But it still feels like we are.

During biology we learn about cells and organelles. It's all easy. Math is great because our substitute is just a college student with zero math skills, so she doesn't give us anything to do.

Me and Lilly talk. She doesn't ask why I kicked her out yesterday, and I'm thankful for that. But maybe it wasn't that weird. We did get quite a bit of work done. She mentions how young my mom looks and I tell her that she'll be 32 in October. Lilly does the math in her head (it takes her significantly longer than it should) and learns that my mom had me at 18, and was pregnant with me at 17. She doesn't press further though. I tell her my birthday was December 31, and that I was born right at 11:58 PM. Oh, and she said I'm allowed to call her Lilly.

Lunch is still the same. Me, hiding in whatever table is farthest in the corner, and Lilly with her friends. I usually see her with Jade and Morgan, but there are a few others with them today. I pass by their table to throw away my trash. Their whole table reeks of cigarettes, but that could be just one kid with smoker parents. Lilly doesn't look at me. It's fine, she's with her actual close friends. Besides, I only passed them for like a second, of course she didn't see me.

I'm not allowed to be jealous. I doubt she actually sees me as a friend, and that's understandable. She has friends that's she's known for much longer, that probably understand her and know all her secrets. I'm just the boy she has a science project with.

French and art class are also the same. She focuses in French, but also talks to Jade, who is surprisingly in class today. And in art she works next to Jade and Morgan. I can't tell
if she's happy. She doesn't really seem all that glad, but she's laughing along with them. She's probably a million times happier and more comfortable with them though, in comparison to with me.

But it's fine. I've gotten used to being alone. It's not all I've ever known, but it likely will be all I should expect in the future, and I think that's okay.

However, I will not be alone in a few moments, as her brother is driving us to her place right about now.