So Much More

chapter 3

All these years I have put on my happy mask. I was so used to pretending  but now I have been feeling so vulnerable.I hate this state of mine. I am so strong but yet I'm pathetic. I craved love but yet I want to hide. I faced my fear but yet I want to crawl in my bed and hide.

For the world I am a rich bitch who had all her parents money. They think I am mean and I am fine with it because they don't matter.

I am not naive or vulnerable anymore. Vulnerability will lead you no where. Theses days no one even pity you. Everyone is a monster. Monster that this society has created. I feel like no person is good. Everyone hide something, something that makes who they are. Not that I am complaining. World is a cruel place if you became your whole true self, it will eat you alive without any remorse.

Today is my mamma's birthday. But she never celebrate with me. I used to make cards for her and I am sure she must always dump into garbage.

I never understood my fault. They never told my anything. I felt guilty sometimes for ruining what they had before me. I felt like way they behaved with me was on purpose like they wanted to hurt me. But I was a fool, fool for wanting their love. They were selfish and I was selfless. I hated that.

Iwas so easy going, people easily manipulated me. They treated my like some beautiful doll with no feelings. And i let them because I was used to it. I thought about getting ready and being pretty for people and they will loved me. I was so desperate for love, to feel what it felt like to beloved, and it lead me to my own misery. 

I was 14 when one of my classmate David ask me out. I was not ready I never was but when he said that he would love me I was more than ready because I had a weakness. We dated for 3 weeks and just held hand.

But when we completed one month he kissed me and i let him. He wanted more but I was not ready. I said no which I know he did not take pretty easily. He was angry but i did not care because I was mean to society. When I was with him I did not feel comfortable but then I thought maybe this is love and I have never known.

The Next day when I went to school. Everyone was just starting at me like I had grown three head. When I reached my locker there was an edited picture of me naked not fully but half naked. I was miserable. I felt my body was shutting down and I have no idea what was going around me. I felt. Devastated. I removed the picture and faced everyone.

"WHO DID THIS?!" I shouted to no one. But like I said people are monsters they all did nothing but started laughing even more. Some of them were even recording me like I am some clown and my life is entertaining for them. No one cared how devastating I was feeling. And I ran.

I didn't attend school for two weeks. That was the first time I isolated myself. My parents never checked on me.

One morning my mother rushed into my room and asked why i am not going school.
At first I wanted to tell her but then deep down i know they would blame me so i lied. I told her school have given us holiday to complete our assignment. And she accepted and did not question me any further. I was surprised that knew even noticed.

On the same evening, I was making snack for myself when my parents entered the house. They looked at me like they didn't believe what they are seeing. I remembered the conversation we had very clearly. Because it broke me more.

"Did you lie to me" my mother asked. I have never seen her this angry she was always irritating but never angry.

"What are you talking about"

"You still have the nerves to ask us. I can't believe you" this time it was my father. He never talked to me directly. Oh oh this is bad.

"Da-" before I can even finished the sentence my mother cut me off.

"When i asked you why are you not going school. You said you they have given you holidays. So why did your teacher called me earlier. Huh NOW YOU ARE LYING TO US"

My blood draine from my face. And I was pale and shaking. But I still try to answer her even though my voice was cracking.

"M-mom I did not want to li-lie but you won't believe me If I would have told you the real r-reason"

"And what is the real reason. Huh tell me. No you know what i will tell you the real reason. MY DAUGHTER MY FUCKING DAUGHTER LOVES TO OPEN HER LEG FOR EVERY FUCKING MEN SINCE HER FUCKING CHILDHOOD. I CANT BELIEVE YOU CASTILA THAT WE MADE YOU. YOU DISAPPOINTED ME TODAY. We worked Hard only for you to slap us in our face like that. When we got to school you principal told me about you behaviour. How you seduce your way into good marks. Huh tell this is the real reason or you want more.
TELL ME GOD DAMN."

I couldn't form any word. how could she say this to me. I was fine I was so ready to explain to her what I did and why I did but the moment she spoke about my childhood something broke inside of me. I looked at my father to see his reaction but he just stood there as if we were having a normal conversation. He knows. He freaking knew but the hell he did not comfort me. I am too hard to love.

I just stared at them. I was crying so hard that i could form a word. How can they say that. Why are they believing that pervert over me. I am their daughter why aren't they believing me. But I still try for my sake.

"Mom do you r-really believe him. Over your daughter" i asked her even though I know there is no point. They have already made up their mind. And I was prepared for whatever they wanted to do with me. I felt nothing.

"Give me one reason why should we believe you. For what I know you don't even respect us and we have given you so much. And you are a brat you never really appreciate anything. All you do is complaints. Are we not doing enough? ANSWER ME, you have this roof because of us and you are really very ungrateful. You said everything is not true then why did David your classmate say that you tried to make move on him when he rejected you so Many  time. And how you forcefully kissed him. He even showed us a photo of you kissing him like whore you are A FUCKING PHOTO CASTILA. I THINK THIS IS A PROOF ENOUGH."

Whore

Whore

Once this word left her from her mouth everything became blur I felt like my world is closing on mem I felt like dying.

Whore

Whore

The word constantly running in my mind. My mother called me whore. My mother called me whore. My mother called me whore.

That was the day when i started to felt numb. I did not justify my self any more. They did not believe me. My father and mother kept ranting while I stayed stunned in my place and felt nothing. I just wish to God to send me someone who will love me. Even after everything that happened to me I still believe that someone will escape me from this hell hole.

That day they locked me in my room  because I did not answer them and they thought I have attitude which they wanted to get rid of.

I was locked for three days, without any food or anything. I did not even bother to turn the light one. Somehow it felt good in darkness. Darkness that engulfed me and till this date never left me.