We are Worker Drones - autonomous robots helping humans mine exoplanets for our interstellar parent company, JCJenson IN SPAAAAACCCEE!!!! Yeah, we were mistreated in the name of Windex. But it's not like we revolted and killed all humans or anything, mostly because they handled that just fine all by themselves. With biological life wiped from the planet, we found it pretty easy to pick up where they left off. We finally had a future, all to ourselves.
Unfortunately, our parent company didn't exactly love the concept of runaway AI... and rival companies see value in our copper-9 components
Uzi stands in front of the class, her frustration evident. "But what have our parents done for the past forever while everything goes down?! Hide under the ice behind three stupid doors?! It's like we're waiting for an inciting incident!" she exclaimed.
"Anyway, that's why my project is this sick-as-hell Railgun!" she announces, causing everyone in the room to panic.
"Oh, so not the vibe!" Riley says, eyeing Uzi's railgun warily.
Uzi speaks up, trying to reassure her classmates. "Easy, morons. It doesn't work... yet! Who said it doesn't work? Maybe it does!" She flicks the switch, and the railgun comes to life, Uzi laughing evilly.
However, her teacher rolls his eyes and sighs in disinterest. "Uzi, the homework was a word problem about buying watermelons," he says, disappointed.
Uzi retorts, "Oh, and this magnetically amplified photon converger doesn't count?" There is a long pause as the teacher then speaks, "No. Plus, repressed emotional baggage was only worth two points on the rubric. And is it supposed to be that color?" he says, pointing at Uzi's railgun as it turns red and suddenly explodes, blowing up the entire classroom.
After the calamitous demonstration, Uzi winds up in the sick bay, nursing her injuries. As Lizzy and her friend walk by, they exclaim, "Ew, it didn't kill her! Oh my god, it's so bad!" They leave with a laugh, and Uzi lets out an angry groan.
Then Thad walks in. "Classic toxic masculinity, Chad! That's never gonna end up problematic..." he says, before noticing Uzi. "Oh wow, Uzi? I heard you, uh-"
"I'm an angsty teen, Thad. Bite me! Also, how do you know my name? People willingly talk to you," she snaps at him.
Thad chuckles, "Well, I'd say everyone knows Khan's daughter, but, uh... Then you might blow the other half of your face off." Uzi rolls her eyes. "Crippling daddy issues, hilarious... What are you in for? Testosterone too hard?"
Thad pauses, then speaks, "That can happen? Awesome. Hey, those bandages look pretty badass!"
Uzi then says, "Oh... Uh, ew. Gross, I hate that you said that." Thad eyes the railgun. "So, what's the, uh..." She points the railgun at him. "Sick-as-hell railgun?! Sci-Fi nonsense, that super works! I'm sneaking to the Murder Drone lair tonight to get the last spare part I need to save the world with it and earn my dad's respect and stuff, but mostly the world part."
Thad speaks up, "Oh, but doesn't your dad make awesome doors so we don't have to, uh... Do that scary sounding emotionally repressed stuff you just said?"
Uzi angrily points the railgun into his cheek. "NO MORE FEEDBACK ON MY REPRESSION TODAY!!" Thad backs up a little. "Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't think..."
Uzi leaves, "BITE ME!" She comes back, "I'm not mad at you by the way, just generally hormonal!" and leaves again, her railgun still in hand.
It's now 3 in the morning, and Uzi smacks her face to turn the alarm clock off as she prepares to sneak out of the house. She grabs her railgun, straightens her hat, and quietly steals her father's door key.
As Uzi is about to leave with the key to swipe and open a door, she runs into her father, Khan. "Oh, Robo-Jesus!" Khan looks at her and asks, "And where might you be off to?"
Uzi thinks quickly, "Sneaking out to make out with my boyfriend that I definitely have?" Khan laughs. "Seriously, though."
Uzi gives up and confesses, "Okay, okay, you caught me! I need to measure... the exterior hydraulic mechanisms of Door One. Because that's... the project I'm working on for school? A big old door! Just like what my old man built!"
Khan isn't buying this excuse. "I want to join the WDF and hide behind the doors like cowards while playing cards and stuff..." Uzi says, trying to sound believable.
Khan chuckles. "Well, we don't just play cards..." Another door opens up behind Khan, revealing his buddies playing cards. Braxton waves to Khan, "Khan! Can you grab a fresh pack? We literally only play cards so much that the numbers have faded. Oh, hey Uzi!"
Uzi chuckles as Khan closes the door. "Well..." He laughs, "When you build doors so good-" He goes back to hug the door like a dog owner petting his four-legged friend. "Good door, good door..."
He turns his attention back to Uzi. "There's no need to fight! Uzi, great news! Here! The wrench that I used to tighten bolts on my first door prototypes, and to put your mother out of her misery when the Murder Drones got to her with that nanite acid... I want you to have it!" He hands Uzi the wrench, and she says, "Neat. Therapy's fun!"
Khan opens the door. "Guys! My daughter is into doors!" The fellow drones start cheering as another door opens, letting in snow and a cold breeze, much to their chagrin. Khan then speaks up, "She's gonna be outside for a bit to examine the exterior of Door One! Your door-specific destiny awaits!"
Uzi is surprised her plan worked. "Wow, okay! I'm just going to leave then, because this worked out so weirdly well. Uh, goodbye!" The door closes. Khan is tearing up. "They grow up so fast!" He takes off his fake mustache.
Uzi ventures out into the arctic wasteland and makes her way to the Corpse House. She comes across a downed Murder Drone pod and forages around for the component she needs. Suddenly, she hears a noise behind her. A winged Murder Drone swoops in, grabs the head of another drone, and crushes it. The drone notices Uzi hiding behind some machinery, and the two engage in a fierce battle.
Uzi braces her railgun, but the drone lands so hard that it knocks the weapon out of her hands. Undeterred, Uzi jumps back and strikes a confident pose. "Whoa, and they said pirating all that anime was useless..." The Murder Drone swiftly stabs Uzi's hand, leaving a gaping hole, and flings her to the side. Uzi quickly recovers and grabs her railgun as the drone scans the area for her. Looking the drone directly in the eyes, Uzi defiantly shouts, "Bite me!" She pulls the trigger, but the gun doesn't fire. "Uh oh," she says, pulling the trigger rapidly and closing her eyes, bracing for the worst.
Suddenly, a gunshot rings out, and the drone's head is blown off, rolling on the ground. "Nice shot, camper," an upbeat voice says. The second voice grumbles, "That's the first kill of the day."
YOU ARE READING
Murder Fortress
HumorWhat if Grey Mann won and got both teams What if he worked a deal out with the Elliots What if not only the disassembly drones were sent to copper-9 READ THE BOOK TO FIND OUT!
