With Love

Chapter 19: heart flutters

They walked in pairs into the midnight street. Jamal and Ahmed, Sidra and Ruqayya in the middle, and Israh and Asad behind them all.

Actually, Asad had started out with Jamal and Ahmed, but somehow, through some mysterious conspiracy he'd ended up back here with her.

Israh had drifted away from her mother and aunty Ruqayya's conversation, finding herself quietly admiring the water beneath the bridge and how it shimmered under the moonlight and the fairy lights strung across the streets on both sides of the river.

She liked talking when she was comfortable with someone, but even more than that, she enjoyed just quietly sitting or walking together with someone, observing her surroundings, noticing the littlest details of every place she passed by.

She often realised that no matter how many times she'd gone through the park near her street back in Manchester, there was always something different about it the next time she saw it. A leaf's colour may have changed, a tree's branch may have hung lower weathered by the ferocious wind, the grass may have been trimmed, a new crack on the path may have formed, a new puddle, a much faded red of the swing, an overfilled bin, an abandoned jacket on the bench, someone's football rolling around, a pigeon grabbing for thrown breadcrumbs and of course the sky. The sky was always different.

Ever so breath-taking, the sky was her favourite, even if heavy with dark clouds, shrouded in misery.

Noticing these little changes in everyday life made her feel more alive. On days when all she felt was numbness, the routine of life boring her, the ecstasy of dreams permanently gone from her mind and heart, it was near-unbearable to find a will to continue. Curiosity about the next change was the only thing that kept her going. How will the sky look tomorrow? Just one more day. Hang in there for a few more hours. For the sky. For the things that will change, that will never be the same again.

Every second was a fragile moment. There was no guarantee about the next one, and there was no undoing the previous one. Israh was learning how to appreciate each moment for as long as she could, because it was only the memories that fuelled her hope. Otherwise, the future was pretty bleak.

Asad didn't speak much apart from the hey he'd muttered when she noticed him beside her. She'd smiled and gone back to admiring the views around her. It wasn't uncomfortable. For some reason, walking quietly with him didn't make her nervous.

Even with her best friends, Israh often forced herself to speak when silence lay between them. It was always heavy, insecurity laced tightly through it. It was this desperate search for something to tell her she was worth it all, this frightened hope for people to just stay, just love her for a little longer.

Frustration grew inside her every time she desperately made herself uncomfortable just so others would be pleased with her, because half of the time she knew that whoever she was surrounded by genuinely cared for her and enjoyed her company. Of course she knew that, but deep down, somewhere inside her, somewhere dark and cold in her soul, there was always this whisper of pessimism. Everyone merely tolerates me because like me, they have nothing better to do either.

With Asad though, at this time, there wasn't that fear of not being liked, or of being found boring. There wasn't that weight to the silence they shared that she often felt with other people around. He was here with her and somehow, her usually overthinking mind had gone dormant, providing her with the kind of peace that she'd starved for, for years now.

As she glanced back at him, and he turned his head to face her too, Israh's heart lightened. She moved to look up at the sky, a few stars here and there twinkling in the distance, and asked Allah whether this was a sign from Him that she'd made the right decision by accepting this man's companionship for life.