Starlet • Lukadrien [Miraculous]

Chapter 12 | thinking of the future

Luka always knew what he wanted to be. It came to him young and it was a passion that never left. Hence his major in university right now and the absolute mess of instrument materials in his apartment. Adrien on the other hand, never knew.

After wishmaker happened, and once the boys knew each other's identities, Adrien had asked Luka what he saw. And the answer only made him more lost.

'Whatever my parents wanted me to me' was that he said. Even as a child, he had no identity outside of his parents wishes. There were things he liked as he got older, he did like fencing despite being forced into it. He liked music, although he wasn't one for performing. He liked movies too, his mother being an actress meant he'd seen a lot of movies growing up and appreciated the art of them. But nothing had ever really stuck.

He knew he hated modelling, being in the spotlight. While he was cursed by his family name to never be truly out of the spotlight, at the very least it had dimmed a bit. He couldn't see himself going into sport, music, acting or directing etc. when he graduated high school, Nathalie had told him that he didn't need to jump straight into things. That he'd been though hell and needed some time to heal. And even now it was years later, she still didn't push him to get a job or go to university. 'You're still young' she'd say, 'you have plenty of time to figure it out'.

But Adrien wanted something. A passion, an identity outside of his family name. His only sense of identity at the moment was his sexuality. That's something he knew for 100% certain. He liked men, a bit more than girls, although they were still on the table. He'd never really felt much of an identity outside of his family name, even as a kid. Sure he liked and disliked some stuff, but not to the extent he could make it part of his personality.

And of course, the whole... senti thing, that messed with his sense of identity even more. Sometimes he didn't even feel human...

Luka knew who he was. Musician, instrument maker, twin brother, Bisexual, cis although doesn't care for gender roles, son of a sailor and rock star, advocate for the environment and artists of all kinds. Adrien wished he had that solid sense of identity that Luka had. Although at least he could add one little extra certainty to his identity. He was Luka's boyfriend now. He could call himself a boyfriend and confidently feel like one.

Adrien found himself thinking a lot about this recently. Because aside from his sexuality and being Luka's boyfriend, there was one other thing he'd started to come to terms with about himself. He was a victim.

Deep down he always knew he was, but the manipulation he'd faced had always made him feel like it was somehow HIS fault. But no, it wasn't. Nothing that bad happened to his was his fault, he'd come to terms with that now. And now, he had to gravel with the fact he was indeed, a victim. Some people liked to use their word survivor instead, since it made them sound less weak and beaten and more powerful and confident. They'd survived those hardships, they were a survivor. And while obviously the word victim didn't automatically mean weak, to Adrien he felt it did.

Adrien still felt weak and beaten. He was a victim. He'd survived, but he hardly felt strong and brave about it.

Nowadays, Adrien had shifted from mirroring other peoples identities to fit in and maintain his perfect image, to finding his identity in the stories of people who'd been though similar things. And while it provided him comfort to know he wasn't alone, he still didn't feel like it was fully his identity.

Adrien didn't really know who he was. He knew what he was... but not who.

He was a masc leaning bisexual with a boyfriend, that was the good thing. The bad? An ex model, son of a terrorist, abuse victim, unemployed, traumatised, confused... a senti monster. Sorry- human. He had to remember that, he was a senti HUMAN, not a monster. Even if sometimes... he felt like one.

He was up late, unable to sleep overthinking his life. Up on the roof, we're several posters as the space on his walls was running out. The vintage Lolita poster he'd found at the thrift with Luka a month or so ago, stared down at him.

Two victims, misconstrued by the media... staring at each other.

And suddenly... it hit him.

Writer.

That's what he wanted, to be a writer. To share his story, reach other victims. To have people see themselves in his characters, just like he saw himself in the girl behind the heart shaped sunglasses in that poster he stared up at. He wanted to write his own Lolita, the story of a young boy abused by a father figure and how it effected him. How he managed to escape and heal. How to spot an abuser, how to not fall for their lies like everyone who should have been there for him did.

Immediately he sat up, dragged his laptop off his desk by his bed and opened it up. He didn't have any ideas for a title, or any real knowledge on writing aside from his high school literature class. But the first draft was always a complete mess right? He opened up a document, left a space for the title when he thought of one and put down the first words.

Chapter 1

And like the spirit of all those authors before him who'd written about their own experiences, he was off. Typing, the words pouring out of his mind down his arms, into his fingers and onto the keys, which in turn, ended up on the screen. He only stopped when he realised, he needed a name for his character.

He wasn't going to retell his story exactly the same, people didn't need to know the details like him being Cat Noir or a senti person. But the story was going to be very heavily based on his life. So he needed a name for this young boy, one that drew a parallel to his own name.

Adrien: French and Latin origin, meaning "from Hadria," with links to Adria in northern Italy, once a busy port on the Adriatic Sea. Or alternatively "dark one" or "in the darkness".

Adrien spelt with an extra A: Adrian, meant "rich, wealth"

A boys name, similar enough to his own but different enough to stand as his own character...

Darien. Darien the young, abused boy who to the world looked like a perfect starlet. That was his character, a reflection of himself. Something to project and process his identity into to work though it.

And just like that, he was back to writing. Maybe Adrien had a future in this, because once he started to write, he couldn't stop.