Heartstrings

Tell me what to do

I take a seat on her bed and she sets aside her book, discarding her glasses on top of it. "What's going on, baby?" she asks softly and I just look up at her making her pout and open her arms. I scoot up the bed and lay my head on her chest, listening to her soothing heartbeat. I smile to myself as she strokes my hair and holds me close.

"You just got back from coffee?" she asks, I hum in response as I think about what to say to her. "She told you, didn't she?" I furrow my eyebrows, "told me what?" I counter in confusion. "Darling, I'm not blind" she chuckles deeply and I don't respond, wanting her to continue so I actually know what to say.

"Listen, I'm not trying to insinuate that I don't want you to make a mistake—it's actually the contrary. I don't mind it, Diane's a nice girl. I'm more concerned with you sabotaging yourself" she sighs, this makes me sit up and face her. "How am I self-sabotaging" my tone incredulous and frankly a bit offended as I question her. "It's clear that she adores you and you adore her too... so what's stopping you?" she says bluntly and my gaze falls from hers.

"Do you think my anxiety came from him? Like... genetically' I say absently, "I could find out for you" she mumbles. I rarely bring him up—my biological dad; I just feel like it's worth mentioning here. Obviously I didn't develop my fear of social interaction from Cate so it must be from somewhere. I do believe more in nurture than nature but some things just can't be explained by environment.

"Is that one of the issues? Your dad..." she inquires softly, "no. I don't need him, I don't even think about him except for this. You're just so good with people and I didn't inherit that" I shrug. "Sweetie, you're amazing with people you just don't realize it. Besides... the people that matter aren't fazed by that—like Diane" she says while reaching out to rest her hand on mine before taking it in her grip.

"What if it's not real?" I look up and into her eyes, wanting to see what she truly thinks. "I don't think she would lie about something like that, do you?" she counters, I just shake my head and look away. "You can tell me, whatever it is, but don't make excuses" she scolds lightly to which I sigh. "What if she changes her mind?" I whisper tearfully and when I look up at my mom she smiles sadly.

"I can't promise you that she won't. What I can say is that it's obvious how much she loves you. Love is all about risks and no one can predict the future but... I think you're good for each other. You can learn things from her and she can from you too. Life is a series of lessons really and if nothing else, it'll be a beautiful experience" she reasons, wiping my tears along the way.

"I hate being an adult" I sigh, "it sucks, I know. But love is a beautiful thing and I mean, you're not marrying her... just going on a few more dates" she points out. "What if she does want to get married?" I ask, "I sure hope she's not asking this early" she teases and I chuckle. "I know you hate it but... people don't always date to marry. It usually takes a while to find your life partner and even then... sometimes it just doesn't work out" she shrugs and I cover my ears jokingly which makes her smile.

"So it'll be the same as before?" I ask, "well... it'll probably be a little different now that's she's said it. I guess the most important thing is if you feel the same way" she prompts. "If I... love her?" I whisper and she simply nods, squeezing my hand for support. "How would I know?" I ask as I stare at my mom cluelessly, "wow, that's a... great question" she chuckles with creased eyebrows.

"Umm... I don't know" she admits, "it's different for everyone" the blonde adds quickly. I feel so privileged to have a mom that's so intelligent but also isn't afraid to admit when she doesn't know something. "You've been in love... how did that feel?" I ask, "for me it's different. I can love someone but not be in love with them. I also love my friends more than I suppose is 'normal' but I of course don't wanna be with them" she explains.