Philophobia - Thorin Oakenshield - English version

Part 24

Terwyn in turn then did her best to be there as much as possible for Thorin and Dis. She cared for Thorin's wounds daily and saw that they were finally starting to heal now that he was sleeping enough. Dis wounds, of course, she could not heal so easily, as they were in her heart, the grief and pain. Terwyn wished she could explain to her that it would get better, but the truth was that it never got better. Terwyn still missed Frerin and Teylin every day, but she had learnt to live with the loss, it was a part of her, he proof that they had existed and would always be with her. In this way, she tried to talk to Dis a lot and also saw how it helped the young woman when she could vent her heart and realise that it was ok to be sad and feel a need to talk about it. The other dwarves also learned to live with the loss and slowly but surely found their peace back in the Iron Hills, though many kept their eyes on the mountain. Often Terwyn returned to her lookout that she used when she still sat here every day waiting for her prince Frerin, regularly finding other dwarves there staring longingly at the Lonely Mountain.

Terwyn often talked to the dwarves sitting at the lookout by the tree. Balin and Dwalin, Gloin, Bifur and even Bombur were woken up from their daydreams by Terwyn. None of them seemed to dare speak out loud about how they missed the mountain, afraid that someone would hear them and think they were ungrateful for all the help they received in the Iron Hills.

Terwyn, however, saw the pain in their eyes and understood this too. She too who had loved the mountain for a long time also saw it as her home.

One sunny day, she came to the lookout again and saw Thorin sitting there. Silently she walked towards him, afraid of disturbing him. Although the sun was shining and the cold weather seemed to be passing, the mountain looked deserted. The once beautiful landscape around it had been burned away in the blaze. No flower or tree still grew lived. Only the mountain survived, Durin may know for how long.

"Do you think we will ever see it again?" Asked Thorin suddenly which made Terwyn shake her head for a moment to bring herself back to reality before she looked up at Thorin confusion.

"The mountain? The giant statues of our ancestors? The corridors full of gold? The king's jewel?" Thorin continued causing Terwyn to sigh.

"No idea, you're not the first I've found here, and you won't be the last, our people keep their gaze fixed on the mountain. Longing for their home, dreaming even. For what purpose? We are defeated, there's so few of us left, no army will want to help us." Terwyn mumbled.

She wished she could say something else, that she could give him hope, but she knew better than that. Thorin did not deserve lies or false hope.

She carefully sat down on her knees beside Thorin and took his hand in hers. His hand felt warm in the cool air around them. A deep sigh rolled over Thorin's lips before he placed his free hand against Terwyn's cheek so she had to look up at him. As if they were on automatic pilot, their gazes found each other, Thorin's pain reflected in Terwyn's eyes like a mirror. Over the past few weeks, the two had spent a lot of time together, no matter how strong Thorin pretended to be, Terwyn saw his gaze blurring more and more into sadness every day.

"We are the descendants of Durin's folk Terry, we are stronger than this! Though we are not with enough we have allies, why shouldn't they help? What belongs to us can also belong to them! Mountains of gold, Erebor is the most powerful kingdom there is, who could not want to fight for that?" Thorin tried, but Terwyn shook her head and looked sadly at the ground.

"People who choose their lives over riches will not fight, but clearly I am not supposed to speak on such matters, your thoughts have you in their power Thorin. You sound just like Thror. I must go." Terwyn then said after which she stood up, leaving a confused Thorin behind. Of course he understood that conquering the mountain would not be simple. It would cost many lives, but surely they could not let a beautiful kingdom like Erebor go under? Everything his grandfather had worked for so long? What his father had worked for and what Thorin had been trained for since childhood. Surely it couldn't all have been for nothing? Thorin stayed on the lookout for hours more thinking.

He thought about the size of the army he would have to get together, about what strategy would best be used to get into the mountain.

The front doors had completely collapsed, no one could enter that way. There had to be another way into the mountain. Terwyn had gotten out by a side door, if one could open it again. While thinking about the attack, Terwyn sat in her room pondering her life. Did she still want to fight for the mountain that had brought her so much unhappiness. Of course she did want to return to Frerin and Teylin who were buried near the mountain, but maybe she didn't have to stay at the mountain to keep them with her either. They were on her mind every day, whether she was in Erebor or anywhere in Middle-Earth. She still wanted to see so much and do so much, giving up her life for a mountain full of gold that was tearing her family apart was not really one of the many things on her to-do list. At the same time, she thought of Thorin, how disappointed he would be if she told him she wanted to go on an adventure and no longer fight for the mountain. Whatever would she do with Farryn, the little boy really could not come with her through the wilderness. He had already endured enough in his short life and he did deserve safety and security. But should she leave him here and go on an adventure alone? Maybe she had to wait until he was old enough? So many questions played in her mind and she found so little answers.