Between Reel and Reality (Lesbian Romance)

Chapter Twenty-Four: Communication

CIERRE

"So, what are you saying?" Syd asks, eyes shifting around my hotel suite. Although we're physically close on the sofa, it seems like we're emotionally drifting apart with each passing second. "You're getting back with Amel?"

"I am back with Amel," I say, absentmindedly plucking lint from my leggings. I gather a shaky breath, feeling it quiver through my lungs, and exhale slowly. As the knots of anxiety in my stomach unclench, I muster the courage to meet Syd's deepening scowl. "And before you launch into your criticisms, save your breath. Amel and I have evolved from who we once were. She never betrayed my trust. Even if she had, I refuse to burden myself with past mistakes. This is Amel and I's fresh start. We're giving each other the love we deserve this time."

Syd's dreadlocked bun shifts forward, loose locs brushing against her face as she rests her forearms on her thighs. She interlocks her hands and stares at them as if saying a silent, wrath-filled prayer.

I barely got any sleep, mentally preparing myself to inform her of the "devastating" news. Every scenario, whether positive or negative, has been meticulously replayed in my mind's eye. I sensed our conversation was doomed, so I strategically scheduled it before her flight to Los Angeles. We have a short break from production, and then we'll begin filming in our second location, New York City. I had hoped to see Syd again once we were back on set, but this version of her in her laid-back airport attire may be the final image I glimpse of my friend. If we see each other again, we may be strangers or enemies.

With a downcast expression, she shakes her head. "Do you remember the times you came to me, crying and complaining of Amel's mistreatment? There was a time that you wanted to end your life because of her."

"That's not true."

"Nothing's ever 'true' when you don't like the details."

"No." I deliver the word firmly, preventing any chance of a debate. "I never wished to harm myself solely because of Amel. I was depressed and confused by my emotional state. There were many instances where I was unsure of what was real. Despite Mel's loving and reassuring gestures, I still felt completely worthless. I felt that emotion with Tarian. I have also experienced it while single."

A heaviness presses on my eyeballs, squeezing out droplets of tears. Expressing myself to someone who doesn't struggle with severe mental illness is like trying to connect the pieces of a mismatched puzzle. People tend to focus on how they perceive my reactions without considering the internal turmoil I'm experiencing. When I try to advocate for what's happening inside my brain and help folks understand me, they act like they know my feelings better than myself.

Relationships are fucking hard for me, friends, family, and most importantly, lovers. I acknowledge that I have made some disrespectful comments about Amel. Although those emotions were undoubtedly real at the time, their origins were irrational and disconnected from reality.

"Just last week," I say, wiping away the tears I silently shed, "I messed up a line a few times. At first, it was a cute blunder, but once I couldn't get it right, I could tell people were getting slightly annoyed. No one said anything harsh or verbally indicated their aggravation, but I felt it. It felt as though every person in the room had plunged a knife into my chest. Calvin called cut and allowed us to go on a quick break. I ignored Amel and everyone else, busted into my trailer, and had a breakdown."

I gather my strength, determined not to let my emotions overwhelm me, and lock eyes with Syd. Her brows furrow slightly, and her lips part, hinting at a willingness to truly listen to me for once. "The harsh and hurtful things I say to myself surpass anything anyone has ever said to me," I express. "The greatest pain I have ever felt is the one caused by my own actions. I'm one of the highest-paid actresses, who has the leash to fuck up as many times as I wish with no pressure, but my brain chemistry still applies unbearable expectations on myself.