Always

1 : coffee

It's 7 in the morning. I'm supposed to get ready for the day, but I can't. It's like my body is not in my control . I've been standing in front of the mirror for fifteen minutes now, just staring myself. I have not slept a wink in three days, even the sleeping pills show no effect on my insomnia. The dark circles under my eyes are prominent. Maybe Katie was right, I have gained weight.

I look absolutely ridiculous. My tailbone-length brunette hairs are tied in a messy bun, my hazel eyes are bloodshot red. The shorts I'm wearing show all the cuts on my thigh. I somehow force myself to get away from the mirror and start to get ready also It's been three days since I last saw Katie and Maddie, maybe they don't want to be around me. I mean, I wouldn't want to hang out with me either. How do people even tolerate me .I'm just annoying. Snap out of it Ivy .

I decided to wear a navy blue pullover sweater, a high-waisted black mini skirt, high boots with my Chanel tights to hide the scars on my thigh. I left my straight hair open with natural curls at the end, with my pendant that I never really remove. That pendant is the closest thing I am to myself. Feeling content with the way I look, I enter the kitchen for breakfast. I try to make myself a fruit bowl, but just looking at it makes me want to throw up.

You shouldn't eat that. you're already gaining weight, you know.
You're fat, Ivy.
You don't want to be an her again, do you?
You shouldn't eat.
No one will like you if you get fat.

My trail of thoughts is broken by the bell ringing. On opening the door, I see none other than Maddie. "Hey there, Ivy!" she continues to sing my name as she enters the kitchen. "God damn, Maddie, it's 7 in the morning. You need to calm down." She just gives me her famous model smile and then giggles noticing the frown on my face. How do people get this much energy in the morning? What am I missing?

"Anyway, I just came to check on you ." why would she do that ,I'm not a child I mean "Check on me? Why?" I frown. "You didn't come yesterday to the mall with Katie and me." What? Mall "Maddie, what are you talking about? No one texted me." The look on her face tells me that she didn't know that I wasn't invited. A frown appears on her face. "Are you sure Katie didn't text you? When I asked her about you, she told me that she texted you, so you might be busy if you didn't come." So she's ignoring me now, just because of her stupid ass brother.

"I got no text from her, Maddie. I was home the whole day yesterday." Maddie thinks for a second then says. "Maybe it's a misunderstanding. You know how she is. She might have forgotten to text you. Let's not read into this." We both know damn well that she didn't just all of a sudden forget to text me, but listen, it's 7 am, alright. I'd rather jump from the tenth floor than argue with this giant ball full of energy named Maddie, so I just shrug in response

After that we both leave for work together. Maddie wanted to get coffee, and between my long-forgotten breakfast and today's hectic schedule, I decide to have a cup of black coffee too.After finishing our coffees and Maddie blabbering the whole time, we go our separate ways, and I take my black Porsche and head straight for the shoot.

Being the highest-paid actress comes with both its advantages and disadvantages. But it's times like this I hate my profession. My car is surrounded by paparazzi, while they are banging on the windows of my car. I can barely breathe, my vision is getting blurry. I can feel the waves of anxiety attacks, but there is nothing I can do except wait for Grace to bring the security. I close my eyes and try to focus on my breathing.

it's okay ivy
you can handle this
don't let them in
don't let them see your weaknesses
don't let them see your tears .

I repeat to myself and put on my glasses. Grace and I run inside the building. I take a deep breath as I enter my room, trying to calm myself down and become absorbed in my work to not feel anything. Work is the only thing that keeps my mind at peace. All of the voices inside my head subside when I'm working.

After a long shoot, we take a break for lunch. "Ivy, what do you want for lunch? I'll go get it for you," Grace asks.

"Um no, I don't really want to eat. I had a heavy breakfast this morning. You can have your lunch." She gives me a skeptical look but leaves anyway. It's 6 pm when I leave for my house. That's all it is, a house, a place to live. It will never be a home for me. No place was ever home for me anyway.

Too tired for anything, I just showered and went to bed after taking sleeping pills, hoping to have even an hour of sleep
.
x-x-x-x-x--x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I guess I did get lucky yesterday; I slept for the whole night. I feel a lot better today. My dark circles are better, and I feel good except for the weakness. But hey, I'll take what I can get. After a shower, I wear a loose tank top with pajamas as it's my day off today.
I check a few emails and sort my schedule for the trip with Grace on the call. I didn't even realize how much time I spent on the call because it was two in the afternoon when the call ended. I really should eat something. Just as I entered the kitchen, the bell rang again.

What is it with me entering the kitchen and the bell ringing? Is it some sort of sign to just not eat ? . It was Maddie. "Hey there, Ivy," she takes in my clothes and frowns. "You didn't get ready." "Ready for what, Maddie? It's my day off." "She didn't text you?" she quickly realizes. "I'm so sorry, Ivy. Katie told me to text you, I forgot." She's lying, we both know that. "It's okay if she doesn't want me around, Maddie. You don't have to cover for her." "No, really. She told me to tell you. Now come on, get ready. We need to leave." And with that, she drags me to my walk-in closet. I know Katie doesn't want me there, I know Maddie's just trying to fix everything, but I also know that it's impossible to win an argument against Maddie, so I just let her drag me. She literally throws my clothes from my walk-in closet on my face and rushes me to the bathroom.

"This is a mistake, Maddie. What if she really doesn't want me there?" "Look, Ivy, I know you both have your differences, but you both need to stop being stubborn and sort your issues . look just come for me today. I won't ever force you again, I promise." And with that, she drags me to her car.
Here goes nothing .

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*excited yelling *
The fun starts from the next chapter . Literally .

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