Animals We Made [RETURNS MAY 31, 2024]

MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE

Hi, everyone. There are just 2 parts left for the story "Consider Lily" in ANIMALS WE MADE. Due to the importance of these chapters and how much I want to get them right, they aren't ready to be posted this Friday, so I'll have to postpone Part 11 until next Friday, March 29. "Consider Lily" will end on Part 12, and the next story will be titled "Operation Sunlight."

As far as this week, I'd say it was one of the hardest weeks of my entire life. I have been struggling to help my parents care for my sister, who is in a mental health crisis related to intense schizophrenia. I have been told by my therapist that it's best to be transparent to friends and coworkers about this because it helps explain why I have trouble keeping up with things sometimes, like how I may fall a bit behind in communications and things like that. On Wattpad it's kind of low stakes compared to my personal life, but I don't want people to think I'm losing interest in the platform or anything. On the contrary this website has kept me sane through so much of this, and the people I've met and connected with here, I'd consider as much my friends as the friends I interact with in day-to-day life.

I may edit out the part about my sister down the line because I don't want her to be defined by her crises. It's just also affecting my family and I so much that it's difficult to keep it a secret either since it leads to many unpredictable hiatuses and disappearances. I don't anticipate myself leaving Wattpad by any means, but I do feel like some people may be confused as to why I don't always read at a set time or reply to comments as quickly as I used to. I am planning to get better at that, but it's hard at this exact moment.

Last night my family and I all got no sleep. My sister shouted the same sentence over and over all day long and into the night, then started again early in the morning before the sun came up. I have to run to my parents' place every time this happens because it's not clear what she'll do or if she'll get highly distressed. I can't hide the fact anymore that she gets violent and has physically abused both my parents and tried to do the same to me before I talked her down. It hurts me to say, but to cope and get across how serious this situation is, I really just need to say it and hear myself say it. For the longest time I felt so alone in all this. Only now as things come to a head, and emergency services have been involved on a regular basis, I just feel I have no choice but to be open about it for the sake of myself and my own relationships.

Honestly, I feel like we need a more sustainable option, so I'm going to bring this all up to my therapist today. Healthcare in America is awful. It's either be forced to place someone into a facility or live on the edge of turmoil, and the crossroads of that is where we always are because those facilities are not great to say the least. I have been having a panic attack almost every hour today. This has taken a toll on all of us and it's kind of just impossible not to start being open about it. A few summers ago I had a seizure from the stress, so I've learned repression and secrecy aren't ideal either.

I admit that I get scared when my sister has her episodes. Often I'm in constant fight-or-flight mode for days on end. At times, yes, it causes me depression and I have trouble getting out of bed. That's why I'm glad I took the step toward seeing my therapist regularly. I myself am not in danger of a mental health crisis as I'm still highly functional and not at all depressed outside of this one aspect of my life, and if I'm ever doubtful of my well-being I am sure to contact my therapist immediately.

You may have noticed I unlinked my personal real-life name and artworks from this account, and that's in part because I want to protect my sister's identity. If I do relink my real name to this account I will edit out all mention of my sister from this book in order to protect her privacy.

My therapist said that level of secrecy is not necessary due to the severity of her situation and how aggressive it is, but as I said, I don't want my sister to be defined by her illness. I don't believe in God at this time, but I do believe in hope, and sometimes hope can feel like God, or maybe the two, hope and God, cross paths at times, whatever they may be or whatever form they may take, so, because of that, I like to imagine there is recovery in some form for my sister. I want to be transparent and cope with this situation and explain it as needed, but I also want my sister to have a full path to recovery if and when she can find it. It's so complicated, so draining, and so delicate.

As I write this there's chaos in my parent's house. I'm in a room listening to it, and I feel a panic attack coming on. It's funny how used to it I am. But the crazy thing is that the more I write the less hopeless it feels because writing is literally sanity, and I'm sure it's the same for all of you writers on this platform. My family and I are likely going to take my sister to a facility today, because there is no way we can risk her slipping into any harmful behavior and we've learned that the instant she shows signs of aggression we must rush her to the emergency center before she can act out. So I'm just letting you all know my situation as of today.

Thanks for reading whatever the hell this update was. I just want to express my gratitude to everyone here. This has always been a safe space for me. Much love to anyone who has found any value in my work because I have found so much value in the work of every story I read here.

Now I'm gonna breathe and count to ten because it works, and then it's onward to whatever's ahead.

I really appreciate you!